I feel my Yiddishkite slipping away :(

SecretNinjaMom

Tue, Jun 25 2024, 9:46 pm

Don’t get me wrong. I love being Jewish. I’m a frum Jew, a Bal Teshuva. Taking it slow over the last decade and a half. It’s been 8yrs since I’ve been covering my hair.

Lately, I’ve been really struggling to keep it all together. I don’t Daven in the morning. I don’t go to or listen to shirium. I look at other frum women and think to myself “that’ll never be you.”

I know I don’t know what’s going on with someone else I’m thinking that about, but my brain still tells me that.

At this point I feel like I’m going through the motions. I feel horrible even saying that! I do have “things” going on in my life and for one aspect there is therapy going on.

My husband and I did Teshuva together and we’re the only ones in our immediate families that are frum. And yes, we’ve been through a lot with adjustments- Holidays, Bar Mitzvahs, just the life style change in general.

I still can’t shake the feeling that after all these years, we’re still being judged.

Okay, I’m venting a bit but my main point is that I feel like I need more Emunah, more Davening (I do my own personal prayers all the time-I mean from a Siddur), talking more to my children about HKBH, etc.

Any suggestions/chizuk pls? Crying

I feel so alone. My husband is an amazing man fyi Smile

hodeez

Tue, Jun 25 2024, 10:01 pm

You may be getting judged, but who cares? Noone knows the real you or what you've been through, so what weight can their opinions hold? You fell in love with yiddishkeit enough to become shomer mitzvot, tap into that love and that will be the basis of your growth. It's very hard being the only frum one in a sea of secularism, I know from my own journey. Hashem should give you and your husband strength and clarity. I will be davening for you both.

giftedmom

Tue, Jun 25 2024, 11:31 pm

You don’t need to be “on” all the time. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself. It’s okay to just live your life while being Frum.
Sort of how infatuation turns to real love. Couples who are married over a decade don’t act like two teenagers in love and that’s fine and healthy. Same here. Cut yourself some slack. You’re okay.

smileyface123

Tue, Jun 25 2024, 11:40 pm

You sound just like me, and I’m not a balas teshuva. We all go through these kind of stages… no one is perfect. We all have times when we feel like we are growing and times when we are stuck… otherwise, what are we here for??? Take one day at a time. Talk to hashem in your own words or in your mind. Focus on taking care of your family. Do self care. That is all connecting to hashem. You’re doing it all so that your family can have the strength to serve hashem. Take little steps. Thank hashem for the little things.