PSA. Stop feeling insulted that you weren't invited

chanatron1000

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:46 am

If you're only inviting the people you're close to, of course it's personal. That doesn't mean people are entitled to an invite, but it does mean that if they're hurt when they're not invited, they're not imagining things.

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:47 am

amother Natural wrote:

I get it but you're not considering normal human feelings. If you go to shul every shabbos and see the same people week after week and consider them friends, it's normal to feel hurt if you find out you didn't make the cut and others did.

I don't believe for a second that there aren't people you consider yourself friends with that you wouldn't feel a little bad if you didn't get an invite. You wouldn't be human to not have these feelings.

But then that would be on *me* to work on those feelings and not on *her* to extend herself even more and invite me.

I guess im saying is that if *you* (general you, not anyone in particular) want to be insulted and offended, enjoy. That's on you.
It's not my obligation to keep adding to my invitation list, (especially for people who received a chuppa or Kiddush or dancing invitation just not a dinner invitation).

amother

Opal ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:50 am

The Torah says we should be dan lekaf zechut about people and not getting invited fits. However, the Torah also requires us to not hurt people's feelings.

It's better to do a simpler simcha and invite more people than a fancier one and leave a bunch of people hurt. The actual halachik requirements for a simcha are simple.

The truth is unfortunately many people don't want to invite family members who are poor, or "embarrassing", or that you "don't feel close to", without considering people's feelings.

I know of a family from Deal who never invites one of their close family members because they don't think this couple "fits in" with their world. They are religious, just not their type.

I don't think that's an acceptable reason in my book, but to each their own, one can sacrifice the joyness of giving someone an invitation for not being inconvenienced.

amother

↑ Natural ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:50 am

amother Apricot wrote:

But you received an invite to kabalas panim and chupah. She wanted to see you and accept your mazel tov wishes, maybe she couldn't afford to have an extra person for the meal.
I don't get why you feel so snubbed, she's not obligated to host you for the meal.

Those things can both be true.

1. She is not obligated to invite me.

2. If someone I feel close with doesn't invite me, I will feel hurt.

And for the record it was a very over the top fancy wedding where obviously they weren't cutting corners on the guest list.

But since when do people not have feelings?

Think of it this way. If someone treats you different/worse than you would treat them, it hurts. This is a person I consider a friend. Not a best friend, not a very close friend, but definitely in the category of a friend. How can I not be insulted? Not getting an invite is a direct message that she obviously doesn't think of us as friends the way I do. That's not hurtful?

↑ kenz

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:52 am

amother Apricot wrote:

It was a different world back then. Holocausts survivors didn't have many family or friends left, whoever they did have meant the universe to them. It was so important to celebrate every milestone together. They passed this onto their children as well.
We've shifted away from that perspective, BH we all have so many people who we know and love that the value of celebrating each acquaintance's simcha, however remote, has diminished.

My parents are not Holocaust survivors, they are a little younger than that. But perhaps that was the mentality in the home. They definitely have a very strong sense of family and friendships regardless of the actual relationship , whereas to me it’s the quality of the relationship that counts.

amother

Razzmatazz

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:53 am

On the flipside, when all the people around us are trying to pare down their invite list, people like me who don't have many close friends, feel stupid inviting anyone to a simcha. Yet we don't want an empty hall either. Not everyone has so many friends and close relatives.

(Or in my case, we do have relatives, but most have stopped inviting first cousins 'because there are two many'. But if I'm not meant to invite family then who should I invite to my simcha?? It is a worry for me who I will invite to my son's bar mitzvah.)

amother

↑ Opal

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:56 am

amother OP wrote:

OP, I think you created this thread to relieve you of your guilt. Even if you get half people on your side, that doesn't make the pain of the other person go away. If you hurt someone, make amends. Don't wait for Yom Kippur.

amother

↑ Natural

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 12:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

Nobody is saying that feeling hurt helps the situation. Obviously it doesn't.

All I'm saying is that if you don't invite someone who considered you a friend, that person will feel hurt.

Yes, it's "on them", yes, it won't help, yes, you aren't obligated to invite anyone, no you don't owe an apology.

And the same can be said the last time you were insulted for any reason. It didn't help you, the other person doesn't owe you, and it's on you to cheer yourself up.

amother

↑ Hydrangea

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 12:14 pm

I get the feeling that most of the imas who feel that it's no big deal are the ones with huge families and social circles who get invited to more simchas than they can handle and don't know what it feels like to be excluded.

mummiedearest ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 12:36 pm

I’m a firm believer in small guest lists. For bar/bat mitzvahs, it was family and the kids’ friends. None of our ( the parents’) friends or friends of the grandparents. We have a small family. Our biggest list for invitations was 75 (fewer attended) and our smallest was 30 (that kid just wanted family).

Meanwhile other moms I talk to are in sticker shock over catering costs, entertainer costs, decor, custom gowns, etc. When you have a small crowd you have cheaper options for location, etc.

I have no problem explaining why some people aren’t invited. I have friends who will agree to certain things the grandparents want if the grandparents are willing to finance those things. That’s not an option in my book. We will do what works for us. Please come join us to celebrate, if you are invited. If you’re not invited and are a friend, I love hanging out with you and know you’re happy for my family’s simcha. I don’t expect invitations to your simchas and will still be happy for you when they happen.

I do wonder how weddings for my kids will work, we obviously won’t be making all the decisions.

amother

Fern

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 12:38 pm

amother Razzmatazz wrote:

Same same. My friends didn't invite me to any simchos because family etc etc. I'm making bar mitzva in few months my family totals about 15 ppl, and then what? Il feel so cringe inviting people who obviously didn't feel close enough to invite me but I need to fill the tables somehow

imaima

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 12:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

It is your choice to invite whoever you want, but then you may deal with the consequence of ties being severed.

↑ mummiedearest

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 12:42 pm

amother Fern wrote:

If your son’s friends/classmates can’t fill the tables, get a smaller hall or fill the space with something else. More room for dancing or games! You’re not obligated to fill a certain number of tables.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 1:11 pm

imaima wrote:

It is your choice to invite whoever you want, but then you may deal with the consequence of ties being severed.

Thank you for saying that.

OP you’re allowed to leave anyone off the invite list and they’re allowed to be hurt. As you’re trying to say to others, if you’re upset that they’re hurt, that’s your problem to work out.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 1:30 pm

I had the opposite problem, I was so dissapointed at how many relatives and friends could not come to my child's wedding. Many were away or had conflicting simchas. I made sure not to get insulted. Klal Yisroel has bH grown exponentially and people have lives.

↑ watergirl

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 1:34 pm

amother Fern wrote:

So I had this. My family is TINY and most did not attend my last simcha which was a bar mitzvah (or any - they are not frum and they hate coming to frum things). I did not want an empty hall. I could not afford to spend so much as it is. So we got a very small hall and BH no empty tables. We did not invite anyone who would not invite us to their simchas - we only invited our closest friends. Empty tables was not a problem, as the room was set up in a ches and we only had as many seats as we had guests. I recommend only inviting those who you are close with to eliminate the cringe if that's your issue, and get a small hall.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 1:38 pm

essie14 wrote:

I planned my own wedding less than 10 years ago because I was in my 30s and got married in a different country than my parents.
My mother has a 1st cousin here so I invited her and her husband. She called to beg me to to invite her 7 married children. No! I'm sorry I couldn't invite 14 more people!
I didn't feel guilty.
Her children don't invite me to their smachot. They're my 2nd cousins and they have a large family. I'm not insulted.
There's only so many people you can invite.

If she didnt offer to pay for her 7 married children, then she doesnt have a say.
Next time someone begs for an invite, invite them to put their money where their mouth is.

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 1:45 pm

amother Fern wrote:

I personally would invite friends even if they did not invite me because it's not that they didn't feel close enough to invite you to their simcha. They just couldn't afford to invite more than their own family. I'm sure they will come with full joy.

amother

DarkKhaki

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 7:10 pm

amother Natural wrote:

I agree w this. It’s rude to invite only part of a circle. It’s making a statement about who you feel deserves an invite, and who doesn’t make the cut. If you can’t afford to invite everyone from that specific circle to the meal then don’t invite any of them.

OP can whine all she wants about how dare people get offended but if you’re going to pick and choose your guest list then you’re by definition excluding people.

It makes much more sense to say, invite first cousins and invite the neighbors who live a few doors down. But if you decide to invite the neighbor on the right and expect the neighbor on the left to be happy that she was invited to the chuppah, then you are very misguided.

shaynala

Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

No. We need to change our mentality.

You were invited to the wedding. Just not the amount and scale that YOU wanted.

People don't have to share their finances, messy family politics and family size to avoid offending
They invited you to the chuppa. That means that they weren't snubbing you.

There's so much conversation about "out of control spending" at weddings but maybe we don't mean it?

I happen to think it is rude in general to invite someone to only part of your simcha.
like - you're invited so please come - but then please leave when we serve the meal?
seriously? this is how you treat someone who got dressed, traveled etc to come to YOUR simcha?
To tell them to leave before they can put something in their mouth? what if they have a long drive? What if they are hungry or thirsty and missed dinner at home because they were prepping and traveling for YOU? sorry, please leave the hall now!!!
I just think it's rude and unappreciative of those who want to partake in your simcha.
Rather serve a simpler meal or cut down elsewhere.