PSA. Stop feeling insulted that you weren't invited

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 10:53 am

Life is expensive. Stop taking it personally.

My parents and in-laws invited everyone to everything. 2nd and 3rd cousins. Old neighbors. Everyone they ever came in contact with. Because they were so nervous that they would offend someone.

There were 600 people at my wedding and I barely really know any of them.

My generation pares down. It's just not doable.
I can't afford to invite every single one of my cousins and all their children to every one of my kids bar mitzvahs and weddings.
So I choose some. The ones I'm close to. The ones my kids know.

Please please stop being insulted. And stop guilting me. I'm sorry. But many of us just can't afford it

kenz ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 10:59 am

Agreed. If I were planning my wedding today it would look a lot different. It was more the parents’ simcha back then than the chassan and kallah, although I did have a blast.
I’m so grateful when I’m not invited- unless it’s someone really close to me, I don’t have the time, energy or $…

amother

Apricot ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:01 am

Who's guilting you?
because I find that today's generation isn't running around looking for simchos to attend. There are so so many BH and there should only be many many more. We all have busy lives and busy schedules and aren't necessarily looking to get dressed up and dance the night away every single night.
Besides. those who aren't close to you don't feel this crazy urge to attend your simcha. If anyone's guilting you, maybe they feel like they are close and that they would have come if you invited. perhaps add these few people onto you list the next time?

amother

Hydrangea ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:03 am

kenz wrote:

I'm all for paring down simchas. The third cousins you wouldn't recognise on the street won't be offended. It's the the ones that are in the grey areas of being somewhat close as opposed to super close that make things complicated.

amother

IndianRed

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:04 am

The one thing I hated about my wedding was the amount of strangers around me. I did not enjoy them grabbing my hands and forcing me to dance with them. It was not enhancing my simcha. I can’t believe that I had so few guests I cared about and the rest were random people our parents knew. Now I make tiny simchos I invite my close friends and family. I also hate attending simchos of someone I barely know. I only go to close friends and family. Why would anyone be insulted??

↑ kenz ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:10 am

amother IndianRed wrote:

Theoretically you’re right, but in my parents generation they invited everyone they knew - shul friends and acquaintances, neighbors, bungalow colony friends, workmates, even your kids’ friend’s parents, because it would be awkward if you met them after and hadn’t invited. That generation doesn’t understand that things have changed. My parents, for example, go to their friends’ grandchildren’s simchos fairly often. I know it’s going to become an issues when we make a simcha (halevai I should be in that position). Distant relatives also used to be a given simply because they are related even if you really have no shaychus to them.

amother

Natural ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:14 am

amother OP wrote:

Op, this is a classic straw man argument. You are making a claim nobody would disagree with while avoiding the tricky issue.

Meaning you say you invite the people you feel close with. Makes perfect sense. Who would argue with that?

Now for the tricky part. Several years ago there was a simcha on my block. We've known the family for years and have eaten at each others home many times. I was hurt when we only got a chupah invitation. I know I wouldn't have done this to her and to me it was a statement that she doesn't feel that close with me.

Now of course there could be circumstances such as money or a hall limit or whatever. But regardless, if someone who you consider a friend makes a simcha and doesn't invite you, it is insulting and doesn't feel good.

Op, I'm sure there are some people who you feel like you're not best friends with but should get an invite. If those people wouldn't invite you, you'd feel hurt. How could you not?

Iymnok

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:15 am

I grew up in a smaller family and all relatives were invited. But it was my grandparents siblings, cousins and in-laws that we only saw at family events. I now fool proud to gave met them. But it was max 7 couples. All quite old. And since most lived into their 90's they were a staple at family events for quite a while!
They did not bring their friends.

watergirl ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:17 am

At my first wedding, my father invited everyone he knew and my ex and I were allotted 20 guests to pick between both of us. That's all we got to invite, it was really upsetting. 350 guests, 20 of whom I got to pick.

When I remarried, we planned a very small wedding because that's what we could afford. So many people were BH thrilled for my husband (we had it in his city), they all commented to him how they cant wait for the wedding. We felt really pushed into a corner but we were able to accommodate everyone and not hurt anyone's feelings by having a free wedding hall and a simchas chasson v'kallah where we served fruit, cake (1 sheet cake, nothing fancy), kiddush style cookies, and soft drinks. We had a seuda later that night for 30 people. The cost of the entire thing was $3,000. I would not recommend this kind of simcha for most people, but due to the pressure we had, this is how we made it work. (Out of all the people who said how happy they were for us and who could not wait to come - we got less than 10 gifts).

Bottom line, if you feel you need to have more people, you can be creative and make it work. But I agree, people should try to remove themselves and the entitled attitude when it's on someone else's dime.

amother

↑ Apricot ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:22 am

kenz wrote:

It was a different world back then. Holocausts survivors didn't have many family or friends left, whoever they did have meant the universe to them. It was so important to celebrate every milestone together. They passed this onto their children as well.
We've shifted away from that perspective, BH we all have so many people who we know and love that the value of celebrating each acquaintance's simcha, however remote, has diminished.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:23 am

amother Natural wrote:

No. We need to change our mentality.

You were invited to the wedding. Just not the amount and scale that YOU wanted.

People don't have to share their finances, messy family politics and family size to avoid offending
They invited you to the chuppa. That means that they weren't snubbing you.

There's so much conversation about "out of control spending" at weddings but maybe we don't mean it?

essie14

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:29 am

I planned my own wedding less than 10 years ago because I was in my 30s and got married in a different country than my parents.
My mother has a 1st cousin here so I invited her and her husband. She called to beg me to to invite her 7 married children. No! I'm sorry I couldn't invite 14 more people!
I didn't feel guilty.
Her children don't invite me to their smachot. They're my 2nd cousins and they have a large family. I'm not insulted.
There's only so many people you can invite.

amother

Cherry

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:38 am

kenz wrote:

I have just attended a destination wedding of remote relatives of my husband. I have never met any of these people in my life. We invested tons of money in tickets and hotel and clothes. It was the most beautiful thing. People came together from all over the world. We hardly would have met otherwise. My dh had so much fun, the raw pure emotion of meeting people after 20+ years is indescribable. We all had so much nachas.
Simchas keep family close. And yes we don’t have tons of relatives. We are actually delighted to have met them.

amother

↑ Natural ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:39 am

amother OP wrote:

I get it but you're not considering normal human feelings. If you go to shul every shabbos and see the same people week after week and consider them friends, it's normal to feel hurt if you find out you didn't make the cut and others did.

I don't believe for a second that there aren't people you consider yourself friends with that you wouldn't feel a little bad if you didn't get an invite. You wouldn't be human to not have these feelings.

amother

↑ Apricot

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:41 am

amother Natural wrote:

But you received an invite to kabalas panim and chupah. She wanted to see you and accept your mazel tov wishes, maybe she couldn't afford to have an extra person for the meal.
I don't get why you feel so snubbed, she's not obligated to host you for the meal.