How can I say this nicely?

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 6:37 am

I am making a bar mitzvah this Shabbos and I cannot invite all my cousins due to space constraints but I did invite some. I would like to put something out on a family group saying how we would have loved for them to join but couldn't. How is a nice way to say it?

amother

Seafoam ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 6:46 am

Is there a rhyme or reason to who you invited? If there is you can say due to space issues we only invited those within walking distance, or only the first cousins, or only the cousins with boys the bar mitzvah boy’s age. If it’s random based on who you like that’s going to hurt some.

amother

↑ Seafoam

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 6:49 am

amother OP wrote:

They're all welcome to come if they have somewhere to stay. And I do have a few cousins doing that. And I also have other relatives walking in. I just didn't have space to put everybody up as I am already putting up 15 families..

I’d say that. We would love to have all of you. We are unable to put anyone else up but if you are able to find somewhere please let me know as we would love have you at the meals.

amother

Mocha ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 6:49 am

amother Seafoam wrote:

I agree, how was it decided who was invited? We've had simchas when married cousins weren't invited, or those with kids weren't invited as there was just no room, and it was going to be too much.

amother

Eggshell

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 6:49 am

I don't think it's nice to invite some but not others. In this scenario I'd do all or none. The only way it might work is if you are really not close to the ones you are excluding in which case they may not even be offended. If you are close enough for them to be offended, don't do it .

amother

↑ Cornsilk

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 6:49 am

amother OP wrote:

So tell them this. That they're invited but they'd need to find their own accommodations.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 6:50 am

amother Seafoam wrote:

Yes, I invited the cousins we are closest with. The ones that we get together with multiple times a year. Our kids are close in age and we know them very well. The ones we did not invite are the ones that we honestly don't have much to do with.(Or their families are really big like 10-12 kids) I happen not to agree that people will feel bad. They didn't make the cut as we've had multiple bar mitzvahs this year and talking amongst ourselves everybody said they would rather just have known when it is. People don't expect to be invited honestly, And everybody knows that it's hard to put up guests. However, when it's family that we get together with a few times a year and we know each other, it's weird not to say you're actually making something.

They were also all invited to my weekday event. Moshe chose not to come but everybody was equally invited to that

amother

↑ Mocha ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 6:51 am

amother OP wrote:

So yes, you can say that, we just don't have enough space/families to put you all up, but if you have somewhere to stay than we would love to have you.

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 6:58 am

amother Mocha wrote:

Also, in my family we're only close to my father's side not my mother. So no married cousins on my father's side are ever invited.

So im one of the older cousins on both sides. And I'm honestly only close to the cousins around my age. (Meaning we went to school together, got together all the time ) Those are the cousins that have kids around my kids ages and those are the ones that we do get together with and I talk to on the phone etc. The other cousins, although it'll be nice to have them, their kids are much younger than my kids and in general we don't see each other or talk to each other as much except for simchas and family weekends.

I honestly don't think they even expect to be invited for shabbos. Happens to be, I was not invited to the last bar mitzvah and I didn't expect to. I knew they didn't have room to put me up. I would just rather put something out there as by the last few they did not put anything else at all and it got very awkward. It happens to be, but I made sure to send something over and I actually went before Shabbos to wish mazel tov as I knew it was happening but they didn't say anything before and I got super awkward.

Regarding my aunts, my father's side is very small and I only have one ant that's married anyways so I just invited her as she comes to all our family stuff all the time. On my mother's side they are all technically walking distance even though it's far and I do have four of them walking in.

watergirl

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 7:34 am

amother OP wrote:

Just don’t post anything. No reason to.

amother

Jasmine

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 7:40 am

no nice way to say it. we were just arbitrarily excluded from a family simcha (we are close but apparently not as close as they perceive others are who made the cut when we didn't). it hurts.

you have made a statement. this is your decision. live with it. I don't think that apologizing mitigates the fact that these people are perceived as not being close enough (maybe they think they are or wish they were?). perhaps reconsider your inclusion strategy next time if you feel badly about this and have unequal factors that choose between one family and another. I don't think a group apology text helps.

melbee

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 7:53 am

amother Seafoam wrote:

I’d say that. We would love to have all of you. We are unable to put anyone else up but if you are able to find somewhere please let me know as we would love have you at the meals.

I agree, if you're going to say something you can say this. However, I think you should message each person directly instead of in a group family chat. I sent a jpg of the bar mitzvah invite to family who we knew for sure weren't coming, and just said "We know you can't make it, but wanted you to know we thought of you and will miss you!" It was private to each family, not one message to everyone.

amother

Alyssum

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 1:06 pm

There is no way to exclude people nicely. Either invite everyone or no one.

In the situation you describe, I'd invite everyone for the event but not provide accomodation for anyone, or just for your parents and in-laws if applicable. I wouldn't provide accomodation for some siblings/ cousins and not others.

If you think some people wouldn't have come anyway, invite them anyway! At least they'll then feel welcome and they don't have to come.

A few years ago, I was the only cousin excluded from a cousin's wedding and it was extremely hurtful.