Pet peeve- Thank you

English3

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 5:35 am

Whenever I give a gift to people, the response is usually;
Thanks so much... you really didnt have to.
Why do people respond like that?

How about; Thanks so much, I really love your gift.

What's your opinion?

logical ↓

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 5:40 am

some people subconciously feel when they take something, theyre admitting they were lacking.

it shows in people feeling guilt when someone helps them...

like if we eat out on shabbos and I get up to bring in some dishes, and they say "why? I can do that myself!" thats a manifestation of the same subconcious feeling

singleagain

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 5:57 am

logical wrote:

I agree with this but also think that it's a sort of modesty thing. Some people are extremely awkward about accepting any sort of compliment because they think they should be modest and not need it.

In this case I mean modest like downplaying and not anything to do with tzniut.

ETA the acceptance of gifts or not can be also extremely cultural. In some cultures you have to refuse it several times or you can only accept with two hands etc.

zaq

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 7:10 am

Relax and quit psychoanalyzing. It's just a learned figure of speech, just like "What, this? I've had it forever" in response to a compliment about an outfit.

amother

Red

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 7:21 am

I always understood it to mean that your company/presence means more to me than any material gift and that's why I invited you....

amother

Green ↓

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 7:27 am

logical wrote:

No. I just like hosting and don't like other people in my kitchen...

amother

↑ Green

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 7:28 am

English3 wrote:

Why does it bother you? I think it's a nice thing to say. People say it to me and I say it to them.
It's a way of thanking people...

Why does it bother you so much?

amother

Opal

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 7:31 am

amother Green wrote:

No. I just like hosting and don't like other people in my kitchen...

Same!! I love hosting and throw love and enjoyment through food so it’s not something I appreciate at all if they ask to bring something like dessert or a side. Bring wine

Also we say “you didn’t have to” or “please don’t get us anything” because we want the full mitzvah of hosting and don’t want anyone running around to get us something like they owe us anything.

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 7:59 am

Maybe I’m the outlier here but I’ve only said that specific line maybe 3-4 times ever and I meant it as either “you didn’t have to because you mean so much to me that it’s unnecessary for you to spend your money on me to show me you care about me” or “you didn’t have to because I know you’re tight right now and I’m just happy you’re here sharing my simcha with me”

amother

Azure

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 8:02 am

Some people feel that they could never accept an invitation without bringjng a gift.
I don't feel that way.
I truly mean it when I say you don't have to bring anything. I expect nothing. If you bring something, that's fine. If you don't, I will never notice.

↑ logical

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 8:04 am

amother Green wrote:

No. I just like hosting and don't like other people in my kitchen...

I meant by my sisters in law. when they eat by us they are very forward and they clear, serve, wash dishes, sweep... obv I never ask but I appreciate the help and try to reciprocate by them!

amother

Chambray

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 8:15 am

A lot of people don’t want to be a burden. And feeling you felt you needed to get something feels like a burden they placed on you. It’s about them not you. Just smile and move on.

amother

Acacia

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 8:22 am

Because I get upset when people go out of their way to expend effort and money which is many times unnecessary.
And sometimes I'll say it because I feel stupid accepting.

groovy1224

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 8:28 am

I think people feel that if they just say thank you, it implies they were expecting the gift. So they feign surprise and resistance.

Kind of like when your great aunt takes you out for lunch and at the end you pretend to reach for your purse even though you know she's going to say 'don't be silly, it's my treat!'

There are some things people do/say that is just part of some social courtesy game. I agree it can get a tad annoying but don't think too much into it.