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amother
Electricblue
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 Sun, Jun 16 2024, 12:16 pm
I've also heard of quite a lot of people I know recently doing the seuda on friday night. If you have a lot of family coming from OOT for shabbos and will need to anyway host them friday night, then it makes sense to do the seuda friday night. Also it means people don't have to travel twice. If the bar mitzva boy's actual birthday is a wednesday. No one will want to travel in for a wednesday, then again for shabbos, nor will they stay from wednesday until after shabbos.
Maybe if you have everyone living locally, then you don't need to consider all of this.
My friends and people I've talked to will often do a small meal on the actual birthday-local male members of the family plus a few friends.
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amother
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 12:16 pm
| amother Turquoise wrote: | I think it should be a seuda. I assume you are in the UK or Europe (where else do they have barges?) and I think that is a great idea. We did a barge trip on chol hamoed recently and it was great, pretty small though I think maximum 15ish people?
Bring hamotzei (bagels and spreads) so it can be a seuda.
We did just family for one son (isru chag and no local family or even friends - we are shluchim) and one with my sons classmates and teachers plus grandfathers and some older cousins came, just in a relatives home with homemade food. |
Yes we're in the UK. Sounds so nice! This is exactly what I mean. Does it need to be for 10 men? That's all added expense. To wash and have a little meal is fine
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amother
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 12:20 pm
| amother Electricblue wrote: | I've also heard of quite a lot of people I know recently doing the seuda on friday night. If you have a lot of family coming from OOT for shabbos and will need to anyway host them friday night, then it makes sense to do the seuda friday night. Also it means people don't have to travel twice. If the bar mitzva boy's actual birthday is a wednesday. No one will want to travel in for a wednesday, then again for shabbos, nor will they stay from wednesday until after shabbos.
Maybe if you have everyone living locally, then you don't need to consider all of this.
My friends and people I've talked to will often do a small meal on the actual birthday-local male members of the family plus a few friends. |
Yes, you explained it better than me. Thanks.
Thank you for the ideas
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lamplighter
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 12:20 pm
We were told that it's supposed to be for 10 men but ask your own Rav.
In my community the event is on the birthday. Sometimes if the birthday is in the summer or on Yom tov, people will do a supper with 10 men and then the event on a later date. Very rare to push it off though.
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amother
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 12:54 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Yes those that have family coming from afar often chose the date that's most convenient for them. Be it a Thursday, Friday night, motzai Shabbos ( in the winter my bil did this) or a Sunday. These are the dates that people make seudas in my circles. |
Interesting
What circles?
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mfb
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 1:05 pm
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We just do the actual bar mitzvah seudah on the boi bayom.
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amother
Daisy
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 1:34 pm
Bar mitzvahs are celebrated very differently in every circle.
In my circles, everyone makes a seudah on the night of the birthday, and nothing else. Nothing on shabbos, except the bar mitzvah boy gets an aliyah. No one ever pushes the seudah to a more convenient night.
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s1
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 1:54 pm
Seems a very UK specific thing OP! I make my bar mitzvah seudas on Sunday , the day after the aliyah and kiddish so its more convenient for out of town guests. For the bo bayom we had 10 of his friends and I made an easy 3 course meal, with nice Disposables, and asked his Rebbe from school to come and speak. You can pm me for menu ideas!
I think it's an inyan to have a minyan (love my poetry skills) but check with your lor.
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amother
Taupe
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 2:03 pm
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We brought doughnuts to the class and ordered fruit and cold drinks from the school kitchen on Thursday. Dh and one Zaydie attended the minyan. Shabbos was very small. We went away to a hotel with closest of family and 4 friend couples, brought our own Torah, and made our own minyan. Party for his friends and community on Sunday.
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mommyhood
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 2:05 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Yes we're in the UK. Sounds so nice! This is exactly what I mean. Does it need to be for 10 men? That's all added expense. To wash and have a little meal is fine |
A meal for 10 men can be bagels at home with some neighbors or local family/friends. Doesn’t have to be expensive meats and definitely would be cheaper than a boat rental. Also feels more appropriate to me to show the significance of the day in a serious way. A trip feels more like a regular birthday party than an acknowledgement of becoming a bar mitzvah.
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amother
Apricot
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 2:49 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Most people don't make the seuda on the actual birthday! Often seudas are made on Friday nights. You think all these boys birthdays fall on a Friday night? We chose when it's best for us and the family that we want at our Simcha! |
Ok I think you’re a little confused.
People often make 2 parties. One is the bo bayom (weekday affair on the actual birthday)
In Lakewood where I live, it’s typically in a catering hall with music. In Lakewood the bar mitzva boys friends are not allowed at this affair, so it’s for relatives and family friends/neighbors)
Then there is the shabbos bar mitzva. This is the shabbos of the week his bday falls out. It’s generally a catered shabbos for family and friends
People have been realizing that it’s a little expensive and ridiculous to do two affairs and people have been choosing which one to do, the Bo bayom (which is in the actual bday) or the shabbos affair.
This is just what’s typical in my circles
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amother
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 3:17 pm
| amother Daisy wrote: | Bar mitzvahs are celebrated very differently in every circle.
In my circles, everyone makes a seudah on the night of the birthday, and nothing else. Nothing on shabbos, except the bar mitzvah boy gets an aliyah. No one ever pushes the seudah to a more convenient night. |
No Kiddush?
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amother
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 3:19 pm
| amother Apricot wrote: | Ok I think you’re a little confused.
People often make 2 parties. One is the bo bayom (weekday affair on the actual birthday)
In Lakewood where I live, it’s typically in a catering hall with music. In Lakewood the bar mitzva boys friends are not allowed at this affair, so it’s for relatives and family friends/neighbors)
Then there is the shabbos bar mitzva. This is the shabbos of the week his bday falls out. It’s generally a catered shabbos for family and friends
People have been realizing that it’s a little expensive and ridiculous to do two affairs and people have been choosing which one to do, the Bo bayom (which is in the actual bday) or the shabbos affair.
This is just what’s typical in my circles |
I'm not confused, this is what we do in our circles
If the boi bayoim doesn't end up on a weekend day then the main seuda gets pushed off by us. To do both sounds crazy expensive, and tons of work. Not for me!
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amother
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 3:21 pm
| s1 wrote: | Seems a very UK specific thing OP! I make my bar mitzvah seudas on Sunday , the day after the aliyah and kiddish so its more convenient for out of town guests. For the bo bayom we had 10 of his friends and I made an easy 3 course meal, with nice Disposables, and asked his Rebbe from school to come and speak. You can pm me for menu ideas!
I think it's an inyan to have a minyan (love my poetry skills) but check with your lor. |
So you had 10 friends who were over Bar Mitzvah? My son is the first in his class to turn 13, as he stayed down a year. Also in their school we don't do a meal for friends BH! We send cake into school. I'll ask our Rav what to do on his boi bayoim.
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s1
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 3:42 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | So you had 10 friends who were over Bar Mitzvah? My son is the first in his class to turn 13, as he stayed down a year. Also in their school we don't do a meal for friends BH! We send cake into school. I'll ask our Rav what to do on his boi bayoim. |
Yeah mine was towards the end of the year so most of his friends were bar mitzvah, but I know people do a nice meal for family and then just invite some neighbours for dessert so there's a minyan for benching.
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amother
Zinnia
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 3:48 pm
In Cleveland people usually have a kiddush on shabbos and a bo bayom for the classmates and family.
If lots of family comes in, it will be either to the bo bayom or to the shabbos
(and by "bo bayom" I mean the literal translation- the day of his birthday.)
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amother
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 4:28 pm
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It’s funny because a few weeks ago there was a thread about bar mitzvahs and I said that in my circles the party (seudah. “Affair” b”laz Whatever) they’re always on Sunday nights (or Saturday night in winter) and I got shot down, saying they never heard of such a thing, that they were always on the boys Hebrew birthday. I think this thread further reinforces that different communities have different practices.
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amother
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Sun, Jun 16 2024, 4:30 pm
| amother Firebrick wrote: | | It’s funny because a few weeks ago there was a thread about bar mitzvahs and I said that in my circles the party (seudah. “Affair” b”laz Whatever) they’re always on Sunday nights (or Saturday night in winter) and I got shot down, saying they never heard of such a thing, that they were always on the boys Hebrew birthday. I think this thread further reinforces that different communities have different practices. |
Yes! It's really interesting how different everyone does it in their community. We think everyone must do it how we do it..
But I'm curious to the person who said no one ever does a Friday night seudos by them
What if that is their boi bayoim??
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