Its hard for me | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Jun 13 2024, 9:07 pm

I'm not sure if this is a sholom bayis question or an emotional health issue or what but I need chizzuk around having a certain guest.

My DH has one brother who lives an hour away whom we are really close to. Our kids get along beautifully, I really enjoy my SILs company and the brothers love when we get together.

The problem is that my BIL is a tzaddik to his wife and it's really hard for me to watch. I'm very jealous. I don't wish I was married to him and I'm sure he has chisronos but he treats his wife like a queen. He is always checking in with her, looking out for her, offering help, offering her to take a break. He does almost all the childcare, he makes her plates of food and brings her coffee. He anticipates her needs and never ever says no or later or first can I, when she asks him anything. He just gets up and does whatever she asks.

My DH is not that way at all. He never takes initiative or does anything for me or the kids or the household without being explicitly asked. Even when asked sometimes he says later or not now. He has never anticipated my needs in all our married life. He's not a bad person or a mean person, he's just not a generous or kind person per se. I have to actively work on seeing past this chisaron even though it's very painful for me.

The problem is when we go to their house or they come to us, it's glaringly obvious and painful how different they are in the way the wives are treated. Sometimes my BIL will step in to help me when DH gives a "soon soon" response to my request. Its really hard for me to be around them. It reminds me of my biggest struggles in sholom bayis and my fluffed up positive feelings for DH disintegrate. Its really hard feeling affection and respect for DH when he's so self absorbed, especially in the face of what I wished he could be like.

I can't stop having them or going there, but I don't know how to be around them without it's affecting my feelings about my own marriage.

Any chizzuk?

amother

Sienna

Thu, Jun 13 2024, 11:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

Such a nisayon. I don't envy you. I guess it would be the same if my DH would write how hard it is to get together with my sister and her family. My sister clearly wins any supposed contest between us with looks, brains, figure, cooking and baking, caring for her kids, her home, emotional intelligence, economic planning, vacationing, energetic etc. I am thrilled to have such a sister and don't see it as a negative on me. But I can imagine it is hard for my DH to see us together and cant help comparing.

My advice? Start working on feeling happy for your SIL to have such a husband. Would you prefer your BIL was a horrible person just so your DH seems better in comparison? Same with me, I don't wish my sister to be less than any of the great things she is. There is always someone out there better and brighter etc. why can't that someone be family?

You know you have matured when you accept that your life is the best it can be for you and you have exactly what you need and is best for you.

amother

Offwhite

Fri, Jun 14 2024, 3:00 am

Not all that is gold glitters..

Op, you truly do not now what goes on behind closed doors. Bil and his wife (should G-d forbid not have struggles) but is it possible that bil might feel like you too? Maybe he feels like the constant giver, who knows?

You cannot change your dh. Look for his inner qualities. And reward yourself every day with something special like taking breaks, buying yourself something g nice etc. Also do t forget to ask your sister in law for help too when they come to visit! Ask her to bring a dish for the meal if she offers or take some shortcuts like store bought cakes. Have a neighborhood babysitter come over in the afternoon to entertain the kids during a shabbos/ holiday visit. Op, go easy on yourself.

amother

Lightcyan

Fri, Jun 14 2024, 3:51 am

Ouch ouch ouch. This is something that anyone would be jealous of and I would certainly not consider them petty.

To try to help you. What you’re describing about him does not sound like the typical husband and so I’m hopeful it’s not your husband falling short but rather this guy being some sort of extraordinary fellow.

Two, some of these people start out like that and after years get burned out and flip all the way the other way. I personally know two such husbands.

Three, and this is an awesome life lesson which I use for myself. You have no idea what’s going on in anyone’s life and I’m not happy that people are suffering but I’m pretty sure no one is immune to it so what you see is all you know. Therefore, not only don’t you know what challenges they are experiencing in life you don’t even know what their marriage is like.

I have heard from more than a handful of people that they are jealous of my perfect life. I won’t go into all the things that are so incredibly difficult. But how’s this one. If I didn’t tell you directly you would think I have a perfect marriage when in fact, one year ago he told me he’s not happy to be married to me and doesn’t love me (no therapist we’ve been to understand other than saying he’s going through a midlife crisis). I cannot describe to you the torturous hell this year has been - with no end in sight. But imagine people being jealous of my marriage. That would legitimately be the saddest thing ever.

We don’t know if she “forces” him to act like that. I have one SIL like that etc. we don’t know anything

I’d be jealous too but would it help to think that you definitely have no idea what’s going on? Like maybe she’s not okay and not coping and he’s trying to help her out cause she can’t or whatever you can come up with?

I personally wouldn’t bring it up to him. I could see where it would be devastating to be compared to your sibling etc. I doubt anything would change other than causing hurt etc particularly if your husband is being regular guy and hers for whatever reason is being the way he is

amother

Jade ↓

Fri, Jun 14 2024, 4:30 am

I have a husband like that. BH I am so lucky and I really mean it. He goes out in the middle of the night to a 24 hour pharmacy to get me medication half hour away, lets me sleep in every morning while watching the kids, anticipates my needs, buys me treats, makes me coffee, lets me nap, does a ton at home, is overall amazing.

What you dont know is that he has been very severely physically abusive at times over the years (choking me, dragging me, shoving me, pushing me to the floor when pregnant, yelling at me in a terrifying way while im on the ground him standing over me, throwing objects, hiding my stuff, saying he will murder me...) this almost caused us to divorce and we are currently in our last chance phase. He has promised to shape up and so far its working but I still dont fully trust him. His rov didnt believe me or help me when I told him. I had to help myself. Honestly no one would believe me because hes such a gem and is so so kind and seems so amazing.

I promise you never know. I could totally be your sister in law. No one would guess in a million years that he has this dark side.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jun 14 2024, 6:03 am

Im not looking to feel better by imagining their tzoros. I don't want anyone to suffer and I don't have any reason to believe that they are, nor am I curious if that it the case.
I need to feel better about my own husband and my own marriage.
DH has ASD, all my asking in the world doesn't change his brain wiring. He is not naturally in tune. When he is asked to do something he answers literally, if he can now or if he's busy. He doesn't stop to do something for me if he's doing something else. Even if something else is reading or napping.
I've tried to work on these things with him but it just makes him feel criticized (regardless of how I word it) and unappreciated.
I have to do a lot of work on myself and my thoughts to appreciate DH but in the face of his brother, it all goes out the window and I spend a lot of time crying.

amother

↑ Jade

Fri, Jun 14 2024, 7:21 am

amother OP wrote:

I didnt tell you my story so you can imagine their tzaros. I told you to let you know that not everything is as it seems.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jun 14 2024, 1:34 pm

We spend shabbos or Yom tov together probably once every 1-2 months.
I don't think it's fair to anyone to limit family time because of this. I also enjoy their company by the way.
I just wish I had something to tell myself about my own husband and marriage that was both true and made me feel like he's a good husband too. When I tell myself that he's my bashert and Hashem chose this for me, I just feel angry at Hashem and no closer to DH.
It doesn't make me feel any better to think that I don't know what's going on behind closed doors. My behind closed doors isn't a picnic either, that's not the point.
I can't seem to answer for myself the sentence - DH may not x but it's so wonderful that he does Y. I think that's the hardest peice.

amother

Obsidian

Fri, Jun 14 2024, 2:57 pm

OP, this sounds very hard. I commend you that you're able to put your personal feelings aside for the sake of family-together time.
My first thought reading your post was that the wonderful thing is that maybe BILs behavior will rub off on your DH, or when BIL steps in to help because DH is dragging his feet he will snap out of it and realize what he should be doing. But I guess if this is already going on a while perhaps that just isn't the case. Which maybe makes it all the harder -- that these two men grew up in the same home with the same parents and turned out so differently and on top of that DH isn't even picking up the cues from BIL.
I guess my question for you would be: have you ever tried talking to your DH about this? Not in a shaming or comparing way of "why can't you be more like your brother?" but just to say how much you really need his help, that you wish he would be more attentive, that you wouldn't always have to feel you were nagging asking for assistance, etc. We would all like our husbands to anticipate our needs and act on them unprompted but many men don't get things if we don't spell them out. And some are (forgive me) a bit denser than others. I think a real gentle heart to heart talk might go a long way.