How often does your teen goes to sleep blowing...

↑ shachachti

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 6:25 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

I'd love to meet all the mothers who never raise their voices or get angry at their kids.

Who ever said they don't?

OP said she won't apologize because her daughter was wrong.

Oh well.
Yelling is wrong too.
Not apologizing for impulsive behavior is wrong too.

Part of becoming an adult is admitting your mistakes, owning them, apologizing and making amends.

You can't expect your child to be mature while not maturing yourself.

↑ smss

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 6:31 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

but is expressing anger never justified?

1) FEELING angry is justified.
2) Responding to what your child did in a chinuch way is justified.
3) Yelling at your child is really not that way. Especially a 17yo. דברי חכמים בנחת נשמעים

amother

Starflower ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 6:33 am

Op, you need to set the example by apologizing for lashing out. It wasn't the correct response even of she was wrong.

I don't know whay you mean by chickening out. In English that means that someone was too scared to do something. Was she scared?

amother

DarkCyan

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 7:29 am

Lashing out at a child will never accomplish anything constuctive. It is unhealthy for children and hurts relationships. I'm surprised that you don't have any remorse.....

amother

↑ Vermilion ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 7:34 am

The message gets lost in the temper. You might want to retrieve the message.
"I'm sorry I lost my cool last night. I shouldn't have. I was overwhelmed and stressed out and was counting on you to help with xyz.
There are still a lot of things to be done today. Can you please choose three things from my list?"

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 8:12 am

My kids don't help. Last night my older kods and dh were schmoozing on the couch outside the kitchen while I was non stop busy. I used to ask and get upset when no one helped. I realized it's not worth it.

I went to sleep at 2 and woke up at 6:30. I work from 9-2 today. I should have taken a day off today, but I work in a non Jewish company and 2 days off midweek is alot.

amother

Latte ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 8:15 am

amother OP wrote:

NO, because I think shes totally wrong

You should apologize. Not for being upset. For how you reacted. An apology doesn't mean the other person was right. It means YOU did something wrong. And you did. We all make the same mistake time to time. But she deserves an apology. As do you.

amother

Hosta ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 8:16 am

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

How is it not worth it?? I have a good method for you. Go sit there and shmooze too. Say I’m not cooking Yom tov I’m tired of slaving away while none of you capable people lift a finger. And then do nothing. If it means eating peanut butter sandwich’s this Yom tov so be it, it’s a lesson they will never forget.

amother

↑ Hosta ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 8:19 am

Why do so many instill terrible middos in their kids!? I hand out jobs erev Yom tov. Even the toddlers say I want to help when they see the bigger ones helping out. It’s a family effort and no reason for one person to work so hard. This is crazy that so many think a 17 year old!!!! Is too young to help. Yikes. My kids 8 and up help obviously with age appropriate things. But at 17 I’d have given her a list of things to do along side me.

↑ shabbatiscoming ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 8:20 am

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

This is unacceptable.
They wont help? And your hueband as well? Then dont do anything either.
It doesnt say anywhere its wife/mother's job to do these things alone.
Shame on them. Teach them a lesson that will make them help next time. If there wont be food for chag, maybe they will figure it out.

amother

↑ Latte

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 8:21 am

amother Hosta wrote:

If you read through the entire thread, the majority of people were speaking about moms reaction. There were only one or two comments stating teens don't need to help. Where did you get instilling bad middos from? As far as I'm concerned, teaching children to yell when you're upset instills bad middos

↑ shabbatiscoming ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 8:22 am

amother Hosta wrote:

This. I have one teen. I wont bore you with how many times I say "thats what being part of a family is". You do your part.

amother

↑ Hosta ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 8:24 am

amother Latte wrote:

Well if you are working like a dog while your teens play on your computers you’ll all be yelling. It’s not a sustainable life for anyone and it’s not surprising at all. Go read the first two pages too many didn’t teach their kids that kids help out when a major event like Yom tov happens. Also you don’t teach anyone to yell it’s a natural instinct we are born with to protect ourselves when our body is in emergency mode. Yelling while collapsing is not the same as stamm yelling.

amother

Caramel

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 8:29 am

I'm in my mid twenties, so I wasn't a teen that long ago. I will always remember how stressed out my mother was before yt, etc and how she would keep screaming at us days in advance that she is going to need a lot of help. I dreaded yom tovim because of that. It was overwhelming to help with tension running so high, you bet I wanted to hide out in my room and play on the computer instead. Your teen should be expected to help, but as a almost adult you need to treat her with respect. Talk to her about what needs to be done and have an open discussion with what she would like to contribute, rather than telling her a whole day how you will need a lot of help, and than lashing out on her when she doesn't.

chanatron1000 ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 8:30 am

amother Caramel wrote:

Children's ability to help depends on their parents' ability to delegate.

amother

↑ Moonstone ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 8:57 am

amother OP wrote:

NO, because I think shes totally wrong

This reminds me of my mom. Always reminding us that we need to treat her with respect while she ows us nothing. Everything was a fight, every reaction became a whole matzav, we were basically bullied into submission. Heaven forbid she ever apologize for anything, she was the mother who demanded respect and we were the kids who never sufficiently respected her.
Ithis is how you're sounding right now. I know it might be harsh but actions have consequences. You're her mother, she might be wrong but you're her mother. Be the bigger person here.

amother

↑ Hosta ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 8:59 am

amother Moonstone wrote:

Doesn’t seem to be the case here. Here is a 17 year old who thinks it’s totally normal to chill while her mother tackles Yom tov alone. Does she owe her mother anything or is she just there for the free ride and cushioned life of good food and a clean house?

amother

↑ Moonstone ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:05 am

amother Hosta wrote:

Where did I say t let her get away with not helping? If course she should be helping out at home. I'm talking about OP"s attitude of not apologizing to her daughter for how things went over last night because her daughter was wrong.
Trust me, the teen knows she was wrong, she's not stupid. But the mom should be mature enough to start a conversation about the fight last night instead of stewing and waiting for an apology.

↑ chanatron1000 ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:06 am

amother Hosta wrote:

A 17 year old should not be working to pay back the "debt" to her parents for them fulfilling their basic obligations as parents. Teens should help out for other reasons, but kids are "freeloaders" from the moment of conception on.

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:08 am

I just recently had a conversation with my 15 year old daughter. She doesn’t like helping with the little kids and has no patience for things in the kitchen. I told her one day iyh she is going to have a large family (she is always talking about having 10 kids) and when your doing things for the first time it takes a lot of time and energy. It’s important to take the time to learn those things now so it’s fast and easy later. It’s hard to understand that concept but when I was younger my mother never asked me to do anything and it took me hours to learn each thing. This seemed to help us a lot. Good luck:)