Helicopter parenting and anxiety

Trademark

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 11:29 am

mummiedearest wrote:

No. Empathy is overused these days. Yes, be friendly unless there is reason not to. Teaching our children that they must repress their own legitimate interests by feeling all the things the other kid might be feeling is cruel to our children. If there is reason not to be friendly (and some of those reasons are very valid), there is an obligation to be polite in any interaction your child starts. If the other kid is mean, she can absolutely defend herself. Having your child always accept everyone is an experience, but not a positive one. If my child is feeling excluded, I encourage her to find out why. If there’s something she can fix, she can choose to do so. If not, move on to other kids, and that’s fine. This is normal and healthy, not a victimhood situation.

Empathy is overused?

What happened with V'Ahavta Lereiacha Kamocha?

This is not about repressing feelings, it's about treating others the way you want to be treated.

Of course they don't have to play every time, with every kid, but empathy is not overused. You teach them kindness and compassion, after all we rachmanim and gomlei chassadim.

amother

↑ Trillium ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 11:31 am

Trademark wrote:

This.
If empathy is overused then why do we teach our kids middos and to care for another?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 11:37 am

amother Trillium wrote:

The way you are lumping all your friends to be helicopter parents with anxious kids beckons the question are they all helicopters or are you being neglectful.

Never said all. I was only referring to two families I know. It’s weird how you are twisting this. Sounds like you are the one worried you are the helicopter parent I refer to. Perhaps get an outside opinion on your parenting.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 11:40 am

mummiedearest wrote:

I don’t consider this helicopter parenting. The only times I’m a fan of purposely excluding a friend is if the person hurts them. Otherwise in group settings everyone is invited. And my kids never turn away anyone who comes to the door. They do choose their close friends and naturally choose some houses over others. But I do see kids being mean and exclusive and that is bad middos.

amother

↑ Trillium ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 11:45 am

amother OP wrote:

It’s always good to get an objective view.

amother

↑ Trillium ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 11:45 am

amother OP wrote:

Agree with this.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 11:55 am

amother Trillium wrote:

It’s always good to get an objective view.

How often do you get one? Weekly, monthly yearly? I get many opinions I’m constantly discussing parenting. As is demonstrated by my thread where I post my observations that I observe while attentively taking care of my kids. Sometimes you can be wrong about a thread you know, sometimes you can jump into defensive mode and read a thread with bias. It’s ok to back down and see that maybe perhaps you made assumptions that didn’t quite fit here.

amother

↑ Trillium ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 12:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

Perhaps. There is no way for either of us to know what our parenting looks like based off a thread.
What I posted wasn’t an accusation rather something to be aware of as I have witnessed that dynamic take place.

If it’s not applicable to you I apologize.
Much luck on your parenting journey.
Xoxo

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 12:31 pm

amother Trillium wrote:

I don’t agree with you. Children with empathy have stronger social skills and are well like by their peers. If a child is being mean of course they should defend themselves, that goes without saying. You seem to be dismissive though of a child who is being excluded and even as adults we can go out of our comfort zone to be more inclusive and kind.

It isn’t normal or healthy to encourage kids to not be kind to another. Having empathy for our friends and branching out of our comfort zone is healthy for a child to experience.

I differentiate between empathy and sympathy. I try to raise my kids to sympathize, not empathize. I think it takes a lot of ego to assume you fully understand someone else’s feelings and then interact with the other person accordingly. That’s where condescension/ being a nebbach project comes into play. I never said that I encourage unkindness. I encourage appropriate behavior. If my child wants to play with the kid who picks her nose, great! But if seeing that makes her overwhelmingly queasy, she is not obligated to include her.If she otherwise likes the girl and is able to tell her gently, I think it would benefit the other girl to know that others find such behavior off-putting. She can choose to stop picking her nose if she wants. That can be very helpful. There is value in unpleasant experiences. My child being told to ignore her own strong reaction to a fixable behavior because she has to empathize with others is twisted. She can have her reaction and learn to be polite about it.

amother

↑ Trillium ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 3:02 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

You want to work towards empathy with kids as opposed to just sympathy.
There is a value in unpleasant experiences but you don’t need to be the mom pushing your kid to create unpleasant experiences in another child.
This perspective that you’re touting is the opposite of what we want for our children.

You can stay true to your child’s individuals needs and wants and still be a kind and empathetic friend. It’s not a contradiction.

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 4:20 pm

amother Trillium wrote:

Actually, I just said that I don’t. I do not push my children to create unpleasant experiences for others; I give them permission to choose their friends while being as polite as possible to their non-friends. I also give them the understanding that everyone’s feelings are their own, and we can’t be responsible for others’ feelings beyond treating them reasonably. I don’t think you understand my position at all.

↑ mummiedearest

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 4:24 pm

amother Trillium wrote:

Sympathy is associated with helicopter parenting as opposed to empathy in a child is usually related to a healthier parenting style.

We want empathetic kids and we want to be an empathetic parent.

I don’t know why you’ve come to that conclusion. I hear no one talking about sympathy these days. What I see is an intense push for empathy and inclusion, and a generation that is noticeably more anxious than the previous ones. I will also note that the anti-bullying push has done nothing to diminish bullying in schools. This philosophy doesn’t work.