Helicopter parenting and anxiety

amother

↑ Ebony

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 7:33 am

BH Yom Yom wrote:

So well-explained!! It really resonates. Thank you for writing this out.

Thanks!

I think I made my post too wordy (hence the AI accuasations), I'll try to make it super short:

Parent: "Do this! Now do this! Do exactly how I say to do it! Don't do that! Do this! Now do this!"

Child: obeys

Situation 1: doing the above had good results for the child.
Child: "thanks, mom!"

Situation 2: doing the above had bad results for the child.
Child: "ugh, I wish mom would leave me alone!"

*****

I'm often interested in cases where the same parenting tactic has totally different results in kids. Usually, when I dissect it, I find out that actually it only seemed to be the same parenting tactic but was actually quite different. This is the rest I find much more than personality difference of the kid, or "some kids just work on kibud av vem more, and some don't care". No, those kids were in different situations to begin with.

amother

↑ Trillium ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 7:46 am

When parent are too laid back it can cause a lot of anxiety for kids.
You want to be there and be attentive. A child had to know you have their back.
You don't want to helicopter and stunt growth but you don’t want to be so laid back that that you are neglectful.

Ive seem neglectful parents accuse others for helicoptering while that parent was being attentive to their child. Kids raised in a neglectful environment yes may build resilience but their anxiety can be very strong.
Don’t be chilled on the back of taking care of your child.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 7:47 am

amother Trillium wrote:

So you don’t see average middle of the road parents comment about helicopter parenting?

mummiedearest ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 7:48 am

I do think that helicopter parenting causes anxiety. It’s one of many possible causes.

I see a lot of moms of my kids’ classmates being over involved in their children’s lives. From controlling their interactions with friends (sweetie, we don’t exclude anyone ever, it’s not nice) to their teachers (hi Mrs Noname, can you tell me why my sixth grader got an 87?) to getting them jobs (don’t worry, love, my friend has an internship for you this summer) to creating college resumes from an early age (my 3rd grader is on the robotics team!) to movement around the neighborhood (there are protests in another town, so I’ll drive you home from the bus stop a half a block away.) there’s involvement in completing homework (WhatsApp requests to other moms to send a photo of the worksheet forgotten at school) and creation of after school clubs to foster phone-free evenings. Moms have a huge fear of letting their kids fail a little (but she won’t get into a good high school if I don’t do her third grade homework with/for her!) and an intense fear of having their kids dress in the wrong label (what shoes do ninth graders wear in camp for Shabbos?)

OF COURSE THIS CREATES ANXIETY. How do children choose good friends and influences if they can’t exclude anyone, ever? They are not allowed preferences! How do children find internal motivation to do well in school if nothing is good enough for mom AND she’ll harass the teacher? How do children live up to such high expectations, especially when given the message that they’re incapable of doing age appropriate assignments? They have no freedom, no concept of calling friends outside of school hours, no reason to take responsibility for their own obligations. They have a fear of standing out in any way. They have no ability to solve problems on their own. Of course they’re anxious!

amother

↑ Trillium ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 7:52 am

mummiedearest wrote:

The examples you gave aren’t black and white when it comes to being a helicopter parent.

You do want to be attentive.

You should be sharing with your daughter about not excluding girls. That’s called being mechanech her not helicoptering.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 7:53 am

amother Trillium wrote:

True helicopter parenting is extreme and not as common nowadays as there is a lot of knowledge about the pitfalls.

I have seen parents who are checked out and neglectful accuse attentive parents of helicoptering as a way of assuaging their guilt.

I don’t see this. I see present and attentive parents trying to nicely tell helicopter parents your kid will be better off if you let them do age appropriate things and make choices.

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 8:04 am

amother Trillium wrote:

No. You should be letting your daughter know that she should be polite to her classmates in any interaction she starts. She also has to be allowed to choose her friends. She’s allowed a private conversation with friends. She’s allowed not to want to play with the girl who picks her nose and wipes it on her dress, or the girl who has nothing to talk about but fashion brands, or the girl who is so desperately clingy that it’s extremely irritating. Being excluded is not always a question of victimhood, it can be a valuable learning experience. There’s being nasty about it or polite but distant. There is no obligation to be friends with everyone— it’s actually a harmful idea. Kids who are taught that saying no to friendship with unsuitable kids are learning to ignore their instincts. Bad plan.

At some point, we need to encourage our kids to grow up and use their own heads. They can’t do that if we’re overinvolved. They are not extensions of ourselves. They are individuals, and they need to learn to navigate as individuals. What I described is not just attentive. It’s mostly over-involvement. No objections to extracurriculars if the child is particularly interested, but building a college resume from early elementary school snowballs. And no objection to after school clubs, but if you want your kids off their phones. You don’t need to orchestrate replacement entertainment. Boredom is extremely valuable.

amother

↑ Trillium ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 8:05 am

amother OP wrote:

I find it interesting that everyone is bringing up neglectful parenting. Most people are not helicopter parents and yet they are also not neglectful. Giving kids a little bit of space to explore and make decisions is not neglect.

It’s hard to say as we don’t see you parenting in action but giving kids space to explore is great.
You don’t want to use that as an excuse to be neglectful. Maybe ask an objective parenting coach or mentor the specific examples to gain clarity.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 8:08 am

amother Trillium wrote:

I’m not understanding why you think I need to be concerned that I’m neglectful?? Because while I sat outside watching my kid climb a slide I saw a mother hold her 4 year old on it and I also noted said kid is super anxious and wondered if it was related? How is this becoming an accusation that I need to ask someone what type of parent I am? Because I said does helicopter parenting cause anxiety?

amother

↑ Trillium ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 8:10 am

mummiedearest wrote:

Boredom is very valuable and it’s a garden bed for creativity.
You don’t need to be building a resumes for your daughter in elementary school either.
The examples you gave about social interactions I don’t agree with. Your daughter should be able to choose friends and handle social interactions independently. At the same time teaching your daughter to have empathy for the girl on the side and not just be polite will go a long way. You want to be mechanech her to care for others and look out for others.
This is basic middos and sensitivity.
It seems a bit cold hearted to clinically write that being excluded is a life experience.
It’s a life experience for the girl excluding as well. She can learn to be kind and accepting and inclusive.

amother

↑ Trillium ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 8:14 am

amother OP wrote:

It’s always beneficial to gain an objective view.
I have experienced this in real time. You want to be attentive and not helicoptering.
But this isn’t an excuse to be neglectful and checked out.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 8:17 am

amother Trillium wrote:

It’s always beneficial to gain an objective view.
I have experienced this in real time. You want to be attentive and not helicoptering.
But this isn’t an excuse to be neglectful and checked out.

This is so random. I hope you ask someone too if you know what you are doing make sure not to rely on your own abilities. I literally haven’t posted a single thing to give you the impression that I’m not attentive. This is the weirdest interaction I’ve had on here.

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 8:23 am

amother Trillium wrote:

No. Empathy is overused these days. Yes, be friendly unless there is reason not to. Teaching our children that they must repress their own legitimate interests by feeling all the things the other kid might be feeling is cruel to our children. If there is reason not to be friendly (and some of those reasons are very valid), there is an obligation to be polite in any interaction your child starts. If the other kid is mean, she can absolutely defend herself. Having your child always accept everyone is an experience, but not a positive one. If my child is feeling excluded, I encourage her to find out why. If there’s something she can fix, she can choose to do so. If not, move on to other kids, and that’s fine. This is normal and healthy, not a victimhood situation.

amother

↑ Trillium ↓

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 8:28 am

mummiedearest wrote:

I don’t agree with you. Children with empathy have stronger social skills and are well like by their peers. If a child is being mean of course they should defend themselves, that goes without saying. You seem to be dismissive though of a child who is being excluded and even as adults we can go out of our comfort zone to be more inclusive and kind.

It isn’t normal or healthy to encourage kids to not be kind to another. Having empathy for our friends and branching out of our comfort zone is healthy for a child to experience.