Consequences for chutzpah

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

OP ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 1:18 pm

11 year old son. Has ADHD, is on medication. Is super smart and super cute, but also challenging to raise.
His new thing is to yell at me, and I want to nip this in the bud.
So for example I'm making his hair in the morning, and he's sucking in snot, I tell him please blow your nose, then again and same, then one final seriously disgusting sucking it in. I told him, I told you to blow your nose.
He starts shrieking about how I was in the middle of making his hair what was he supposed to do, I'm like, wait? Then he's like I couldn't. I said, so tell me to stop a second? But it's not about the specific scenarios, it's about when he yells at me, I've told him, you do not yell at a mother. But with no consequences, he doesn't care. But I'd also feel bad doing something like holding onto one of his toys for a few days or whatever.
What would be appropriate on my end to get it to stop?
Would it make sense if during a calm moment I tell him that if he yells at me I'm walking away, and when he's ready to speak respectfully he can come to me (but like before bus that wouldn't work, but he would have to make his hair himself, which is fine, he should be anyway)
make sense?

mushkamothers ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 1:56 pm

if he's being gross as you're making his hair, I'd stop immediately, walk away and say I can continue making his hair once his nose is blown. it's not a power struggle, more of a logical when/then

giftedmom

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 1:58 pm

I shut down and stop the conversation as soon as the disrespect and attitude starts. Bh it’s very effective so far.

mha3484

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 2:03 pm

Its common for a kid with adhd to lag 3 years behind a typical kid their age in maturity. When I am not sure how to handle a situation, I ask myself if what I would expect from him if he was 8 instead of 11 and it really helps me.

amother

NeonBlue

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 2:05 pm

He's yelling at you because he's missing coping skills. Some bills that may be helpful. The uncontrollable child, parenting a teen with intense emotions

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Jun 04 2024, 9:52 am

amother NeonBlue wrote:

He's yelling at you because he's missing coping skills. Some bills that may be helpful. The uncontrollable child, parenting a teen with intense emotions

You are right, he has emotional regulation issues. He is in therapy. The thing is that the yelling at me piece just started last week, and so if that's the case, maybe he would have and will get frustrated, but he cannot yell at me.

I need to walk away I guess, and if he talks normally resume. Issue is that it's always before bus and we kind of have to make the bus...

↑ mushkamothers

Tue, Jun 04 2024, 9:59 am

amother OP wrote:

So then it's not the thing. It's the bus. Consider that behavior is communication. He's stressed out, anxious, or in a rush for the bus. It comes out as chutzpah bc he can't regulate himself properly.

Like when my kids are hungry or tired I ignore all misbehavior. Bc I know it's not on purpose.

So how can you now solve for the trigger of the bus causing this chutzpah behavior

amother

Offwhite

Tue, Jun 04 2024, 11:49 am

It's not always about consequences. I also have a child with adhd and emotional regulation issues and you know what? there are different rules. Your standard parenting skills are not always the right thing.

Firstly, you need to realize that he doesn't have the same skill set to work with.
Secondly, you may have not been aware but by nagging him over and over (while he felt he couldn't do anything anyway at that time, even if you disagree with that premise), you were pressing his buttons and evenutally he lashed out.

I see that with my son, I know his triggers and what presses his buttons. There's only so much he can take till he explodes.

there's so much more, but main point is that consequences is often not the answer with explosive kids. of course they need to learn that certain behavior is unacceptable, but consequences can actually make things worse.

amother

Kiwi

Tue, Jun 04 2024, 1:13 pm

With my ADHD kid I'd say the biggest thing I've learned is just let it go. He's obviously not coping with the morning rush. Make it as easy as possible for him- wake him earlier, prep night before etc.
Now you know this is a trigger for him just ignore.
Other good tips above for chutzpah at other times

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