Wedding or class trip? I'm so upset.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:06 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

He should definitely go on the trip! Full stop. You’re putting your needs before your son. You want him there… for pictures.. for your parents… for whatever reason. It’s selfish. For a boy his age- this trip is a huge deal. Please let him enjoy. He will have other cousins wedding be”H. For him it’s just a wedding but his classmates will be talking about this trip for days before and days after and he will feel so left out. He spends most of his day with these classmates. He is way closer to than than this Kallah. If he goes to the wedding, he won’t enjoy it as he will be thinking of the trip the entire time. I had a similar situation- and I let my son make the decision. He couldn’t decide and kept saying he wishes he can be at both. In the end he chose his class trip and he came home so grateful that he chose that.

And when I saw how happy he was, I realized that he made the right choice. And that it isn’t about me and what I want or what I think he will enjoy more. I let him choose and I supported his decision. Please don’t make your son feel guilty for missing the wedding. Let him enjoy the trip fully.

Ok I guess I'm selfish then. I was actually quite shocked that missing this wedding would even be an option. That's all. I was surprised when son said that he's going on the trip because Daddy said he can miss the chupa. I just thought it would be a given that he'd have to miss the trip, and obviously come to the wedding. But obviously my expectations are off according to all you ima's.

amother

↑ Indigo ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why do you think it's a given for a child to miss a major trip for a cousins chuppa?
He's not missing the entire wedding.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:09 pm

amother Indigo wrote:

I don't think this is that big of a deal. So father signed it & not mom, big deal. Not everything has to be made in to a major case.

It's a big deal for me. You don't think it's a big deal, but I know that it's hard for me. If you can't accept that, that's fine. But there was no point in your comment. Really.

amother

↑ Indigo ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

It's a big deal for me. You don't think it's a big deal, but I know that it's hard for me. If you can't accept that, that's fine. But there was no point in your comment. Really.

Does your husband know that it's a big deal for you if he signs papers without consulting you first?

amother

Mimosa ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:22 pm

Maybe it is cultural- in my family also in UK there is no way a first cousin would miss a chasuna for a school trip, however exciting.

But iyh, if chupa called for 3.30, it might start by 4/4.30 and then reception/ photos by 5.30/6.
You could ask the photographer to make sure he does your family later on during the dinner.
Then your son will get to the fun part with dancing and his cousins and overall have a positive feel for this.

For sure this is hard and sounds like your husband doesn't have the sense of chashivus and focus on this chasuna which is also common. My dh is always a bit 'whatever' about my family simchas, I have a much larger family and he isn't so aware of the nuances of how these things work and how upset grandparents get about everyone showing up.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hold on, calm down please OP. I'm sure everyone understands the excitement of the first wedding in the family.
But some proportions please. Your son arrives a bit later. That's all.
Calm down and carry on.

amother

↑ Indigo ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:26 pm

amother Mimosa wrote:

Then your son will get to the fun part with dancing and his cousins and overall have a positive feel for this.

and how upset grandparents get about everyone showing up.

You should not make your kids miss major trips, because grandparents will get upset that they're missing a chuppa or wedding.
Your child comes before grandparents feelings. It's not your child's problem that their grandparents choose to get upset over this & we shouldn't be raising our kids that they always must please their grandparents, even if it means giving up things that are important to them.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:41 pm

amother Indigo wrote:

Why do you think it's a given for a child to miss a major trip for a cousins chuppa?
He's not missing the entire wedding.

That's just what I thought, I don't have a reason. This is not just any cousin's wedding. Sigh. She's my only sister, and it's her first daughter/child to get married. In my family it's a massive Simcha. When I say I'm from a small family, I'm talking around 14 grandchildren knH. My son counts! He's not just another cousin.

amother

↑ Indigo ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

I understand. But you need to look at it from your child's perspective. To him, it's just like any other cousin. For you & the adults in the family, it's a massive simcha. For a young kid, it's a wedding like any other.
Your parents/family being upset that your son will miss the chuppa, should not be a factor here.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:47 pm

amother Mimosa wrote:

Isn't it natural that one is a bit more chilled when they simcha is on the spouse's side?
Are you British by the way? Family nuances with it's dynamics and grandparents getting worked up about showing up doesn't sound classically British. Keep calm and carry on sounds more UK-style.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:51 pm

amother Mimosa wrote:

Um no in my family 3.30 means 3.30! We're not chassidish. Thanks for your understanding.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:53 pm

amother Indigo wrote:

Does your husband know that it's a big deal for you if he signs papers without consulting you first?

It wasn't and isn't about the signing of a paper. It's about getting my son's hopes up that he'll be definitely going on the trip over the wedding. We hadn't discussed it yet.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

OP, you need to calm down please.
*If course* your son counts! Nobody says the opposite.
But please, why can't you accept and understand that your DS and DH are a bit more chilled? It's not a crime to have different priorities or different feelings.

amother

Blush

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:57 pm

At our family weddings, there's always someone or another missing the 'significant family pictures'
Could be as small as going out to the bathroom at that minute...
not having make-up done on time...
Trip to emergency room for break of some sort...
At least it should be for a school trip and not something negative ch"v!

↑ singleagain

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

It wasn't and isn't about the signing of a paper. It's about getting my son's hopes up that he'll be definitely going on the trip over the wedding. We hadn't discussed it yet.

I get the feeling this is more a husband issue than anything else. I think some smarter ladies gave some suggestions about how to broach the topic with him and then hopefully next time something like this comes up. He won't just make a decision, but he'll say let me talk to Mom first and then he'll talk to you. Then you'll have the conversation. Even if the decision comes out to be the same, at least you will have felt included

amother

↑ Indigo ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 1:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

It wasn't and isn't about the signing of a paper. It's about getting my son's hopes up that he'll be definitely going on the trip over the wedding. We hadn't discussed it yet.

Your husband probably assumed that you wouldn't have a problem with your son going to the trip. I don't think your husband did anything wrong.