I tested you Mommy to see if you loved me

amother

OP ↓

Mon, May 20 2024, 12:37 am

This is what my 13 year old told me tonight. I've been testing you a bunch of times to see if you love me and you don't. I tried explaining that a better way is to look for all the times I have loved him. I told him how I was staying up even though I was tired and the like. He is not doing well emotionally now. I know it's not normal behavior. My question is if you had a child do this how did you effectively deal with it?

Testing someone to see if they love you is a surefire way to feel unloved. I give this kid my heart and my soul and more.

amother

Orchid

Mon, May 20 2024, 12:54 am

I generally will go the logic route, even though they are not really able to swallow that yet - it's an emotional thing. I hope that hearing it enough it will eventually sink in.

Who do you love? Your sister, your friend?

Do you always love every single thing they do? Do you never get annoyed at them? Do you always have endless patience for them?

I've loved you for 13 years and growing. It doesn't mean I never get frustrated sometimes. It doesn't mean I think everything you do is perfect (you're not perfect, and neither am I). It doesn't mean I never make mistakes when I am interacting with you, or that I never take out my anger on you when you don't deserve it.

It means I love you no matter what. You are my child and will always be my child. I see your strengths, I see your weaknesses, and I love you with all of it. I admire who you are and I hope to see you grow. I will stick with you no matter what.

If you are feeling insecure about my love, just reach out. I will tell you again. I will remind you how I loved you from when you were a teeny baby that could do nothing but cry and eat. I loved you when you were an adorable toddler walking around destroying the house. I loved you through all of your stages and phases and I love you now too. I am grateful that Hashem gave you to me to raise.

amother

Obsidian

Mon, May 20 2024, 12:58 am

I’m only parent to a baby at the moment so my experience is limited but maybe the way he’s been testing you shows what his love language is? Maybe you’ve been showing him love in one way but he needs to see it in another?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, May 20 2024, 1:01 am

That is beautiful orchid! I did tell him tonight that what he thought of as me not loving him was just me being exhausted and frustrated. It's been a really hard past few months and I'm so exhausted from all his drama even though it's not his fault mostly. But he senses it.

amother

Babypink ↓

Mon, May 20 2024, 1:47 am

I wonder what he defines love as?

I tell my kids that:

Love doesn't mean I have to make sure you are always happy and have everything you want.

My love means I care, and I'm sad that you're sad.

My job is to do my best to keep you safe and raise you to be successful, and in doing so something's I'll make decisions you don't like.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, May 20 2024, 8:01 am

amother Babypink wrote:

Here's an example. He was very upset and having a meltdown and took the phone into the bathroom and took a bath. I was completely smashed out and decided to take a drive to calm myself down from the chaos of the day. He decided to see if I was going to call him. If yes, I love him and if not I don't.

Stuff like that.

amother

↑ Babypink

Mon, May 20 2024, 9:50 am

You can explain crystal clear that that's not how love is measured, or pass every "test" but I don't think that'll make him feel better.

It sounds like there's something going on underneath, like he is possibly really hurting. I don't know if I'm right or why he would be.

I'm wishing you loads of hatslocha with him ❤️ ❤️

giftedmom

Mon, May 20 2024, 9:59 am

Don’t try to convince him and don’t lose sleep over it. He doesn’t get to decide how love is measured. Obviously he’s not being very logical. You know the truth, and when he’s in a better place he will too.