Father bathing girls

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, May 19 2024, 11:20 pm

amother Yolk wrote:

Why do we push for such young bathing? So many of these kids stink and don’t look washed. I don’t think a 5/6 year old can actually fully bathe alone without you checking that they did it properly. It seems like a weird hang up so many have.

The father doesn't check if the kids did a proper job bathing themselves. He fully bathes them & plays with them in the bath. Sits there the entire time.

amother

Burntblack

Sun, May 19 2024, 11:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

At what age should a healthy child be able to bathe & shower by themselves/mostly by themselves?

My daughter has very curly hair. She needs help (lots of it) Combing it out (which is only done while soaked with conditioner in the shower) my husband helped my daughter (with her hair specifically) consistently till she turned 9, after which it’s more sporadic.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, May 19 2024, 11:41 pm

tichellady wrote:

You seem to have made up your mind about them. They seem different from you, that doesn’t make them evil or perverse. You are allowed to have rules that are different from them but you seem to be obsessing about this too much. You can ask them to keep their kids dressed around their kids etc

I don't think they're evil & I'm not obsessing. Just wondering & discussing.

amother

Amaryllis

Mon, May 20 2024, 12:27 am

Totally depends on the circumstance. Yhe only hard and fast rule I'd say is never past age 12. Even if Dad is single and daughter broke her leg, he should hire a woman to bathe her.

An average girl bathes alone in 1st grade, and if she can bathe alone, Aba needn't be there. But if she's a late bloomer, so what?

If she is age 10 or 11, and Aba is helping bathe her 2 YO sibling, and she wants to play in the bath, IMO she should wear a bathing suit at that point.

My mother demanded I never be naked in front of my dad starting at age 5. I don't have an issue with the age, so much as the way she spun it as "now you're a big girl and need to be ashamed of your body".

↑ shabbatiscoming ↓

Mon, May 20 2024, 3:25 am

amother OP wrote:

I think what made me uncomfortable is that they see no reason to teach their girls how to bathe themselves because the father "loves" to bathe them, he sits & plays with them & makes bath time in to daddy daughter time.
They also don't instill modesty & privacy in their kids, the kids can walk around totally naked in the house & even eat dinner like that. The parents don't see anything wrong with it. I think it's a bit concerning. Especially for an 8 year old. She can eat & play totally naked for hours.

How is that a bad thing? Its lovely that the father wants daddy daughter time.
Not everything has to be creepy.

↑ shabbatiscoming ↓

Mon, May 20 2024, 3:30 am

amother OP wrote:

I do think that it's creepy for a father to love bathing his girls to a degree of not wanting to teach them how to bathe themselves & only father bathing them, never mom.
I don't want to think that he's a pedophile, but we don't allow our kids at their home unattended.

I think you are thinking WAY too deeply about this.
Nog all men are pedophiles.
There are many loving fathers who love bathing, and helping in ANY way they are needed.
I think you have to change your perspective. Really!!!

amother

Bellflower

Mon, May 20 2024, 4:39 am

I also have a DS that age who is still not able to wash himself properly. He is not disabled as someone suggested, he can do lots of other things, but showering/bathing is very challenging for him. If my sil asked if he can't bathe himself yet, I might very well answer that DH loves helping him or something along those lines. It's just not her business. I think you should just let go. Every family has their things. Some children can bathe themselves at age 5, others can't. Unless you actually have a reason to think he has an unhealthy relationship with his children, you should just let them be and not discuss their bathing habits.

amother

Saddlebrown ↓

Mon, May 20 2024, 5:31 am

Im baffled. Why is your focus on the father bathing and not on the 8 year old playing and eating fully undressed?

(Though ive had immature kids who still need prompting to get dressed at 8, almost all my kids needed occasional prompting until 6/7 -- most kids do not have natural busha, they look at it as manners to be clothed, unless youve heavily laid on the busha)

Btw, im in agreement with most on this thread that fine for either parent to help w bathing as long as kids need.

amother

Tomato

Mon, May 20 2024, 5:42 am

My 5 year old mostly bathes herself, but my husband will help her wash her hair or get in and out of a bathing suit if I'm not available. I also don't leave kids alone in the bath till 6 or so, so often he's the parent sitting in the hallway watching.

The playing naked is definitely more concerning

amother

Starflower

Mon, May 20 2024, 5:44 am

I have a bunch of little girls and 8 is the oldest. Dh gives the 2 and 4 year olds such a long, fun bath sometimes. I just put them in, wash in a flash, and take them out quickly because my nights are always rushed. But dh's personality is very different from mine and he takes his time and lets them take their time no matter what. It's such a treat for them! And he seems to enjoy it, too, having such a nice relaxing time together.

Dd6 and dd8 take their own baths but I can see them enjoying the fun, too, if they were used to it. Meaning if I had a dd4 and dd8, which it sounds like what you're talking about OP, who always had a bath together with dh, I could see that just continuing. Dd8 was 4 when they started together and they just never had a reason to change the routine.

As for eating and playing naked, my dd8 has a very difficult time getting into PJs if she feels a bit wet still, so she likes to wait a while before getting dressed. I got her a nice big bathrobe for that reason, and she wears it sometimes while doing other things after a bath. Before she had the bathrobe she did have just a towel that often came off or revealed a bit too much, which is why we got the robe. My 4yo definitely has gone out in a towel which has come off if I wasn't on top of getting her into PJs. So playing/eating naked has happened here for her.

If your niece is a bit immature or just not such a private personality, and she is often grouped together with her little sister, I can see some of this just happening naturally and not being stopped. Could be it is time for them to realize and put a stop to some of it, but could very well be completely innocent. She's their baby and they haven't noticed her growing up yet.

WhatFor ↓

Mon, May 20 2024, 6:10 am

Op, are they fully frum? Then no, it's not normal for children to be walking around fully nude all day at the age of 8. And sitting around the table totally nude is unhygienic. This would be unusual even in a not frum family, but if the parents were like of the crunchy, nudist mentality, then it could just be more of a different mindset then something really creepy. But if they're frum, then they're ignoring basic values to all of them walk around naked all day, and then you have to wonder what the impetus for that is, that they'd override community norms.

I'm taking what you're saying at face value, but assuming the father is frum and the child is healthy and not missing skills, it's also not typical for any parent to volunteer to take on the role of fully bathing a child daily at age 8. There's usually enough to do in a day, why would you create more work for yourself, and especially when it's a skill you should be passing on to your child to do independently? That's weird. You also said that he sits there and plays with them. Did you mean he's in the bath too? Fully undressed? (I mean if he's walking around naked all day, I guess that's only a subtle nuance at that point.) That's highly unusual for a typical Western country.

If they're from a normal Western country where this is not typical, then at the very least there seem to be boundary issues and potential enmeshment in terms of limiting a child's independence and teaching her about bodily privacy. At worst there's something creepier going on, but I wouldn't jump to that without additional context.

↑ shabbatiscoming ↓

Mon, May 20 2024, 7:09 am

WhatFor wrote:

Are you serious? You are taking the op waaaay too deeply. Your answer makes ZERO sense. Zero.

LovesHashem ↓

Mon, May 20 2024, 7:21 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

How is that a bad thing? Its lovely that the father wants daddy daughter time.
Not everything has to be creepy.

I don't know, kinda sounds creepy to me. Granted my oldest isn't 8, and my husband is a super involved father, does bath time most of the time because I have lingering back pain from having my babies.

He loves giving them baths, taking them to the beach to the pool etc but if I heard a father say he specifically loved giving his 8 yr old dd a bath.... I don't know, it sounds creepy to me. 8 is huge, I think my father helped me at that age with my curly hair and shower but he didn't sit there and do the whole thing for me and he didn't say he looked forward to it as bonding time....

Just the vibes here are making me uncomfortable. If there's a legitimate need at that age I don't see an issue but this doesn't sound like that.