ADD in girls - can we discuss?

amother

↑ Anemone ↓

Wed, May 15 2024, 1:00 am

amother Coffee wrote:

I dealt a with a lot of the same, both with myself and dd. My opinion is that it is unwise to medicate if she's only really struggling in the classroom. If she's doing fine enough socially and at home and in camp, I think it's unfair and risky to put a child on medication. There's lots of other things you can do to help her with executive functioning, time management and organization. OT can also help. I think the most important thing that will help your dd long term is to develop routines. I personally still struggle with disorganization, but my daughter, who when she was younger, had a disaster of a briefcase and all the contents of her desk falling out, now has the neatest desk and at home, her drawers are filled with clothes folded in the mari kondo style, standing up!! I'm so glad I didn't fold to pressure. She's doing much better in regards to her ADHD weaknesses, and she's loved, adored and appreciated by her classmates and teachers because of her amazing, fun ADHD brain and personality.

Ok what did you DO?!

amother

↑ Anemone ↓

Wed, May 15 2024, 1:03 am

Those who medicated- what route did you take? Who did you see to get a diagnosis?

amother

Beige ↓

Wed, May 15 2024, 12:06 pm

OP, you literally described my 10 year daughter to a T.
She is exactly the same and we finally started medication last year. It took a while to find the one that worked. Some of them made her very emotional and she was crying frequently while on it. She now takes Focalin on school days only and it lasts for 5 hours. She has been doing so much better in school and she feels better about herself.
I have a son in high school who was on medication and he already takes it much less often. He only takes it on days that he feels that he needs it. The dr. explained that eventually, these kids learn to do things by rote while off the medication and they usually do not need it for long term. One of my cousins told me that in college she only had to take Ritalin when she had a big test.
I don't look at it as a long term thing. It's to teach her some skills for now. DD recently started organizing her knapsack every night - this is during the time that she is not on medication. She never could have done that at the beginning of the year but she learned how while medicated and now can do it without medication.

amother

↑ Beige

Wed, May 15 2024, 12:07 pm

amother Anemone wrote:

Those who medicated- what route did you take? Who did you see to get a diagnosis?

Start with your pediatrician and they will refer you to a dr. who can evaluate and diagnose it.

amother

Trillium

Wed, May 15 2024, 12:18 pm

I'm crying. I have a DD with ADHD that is not responding to medication. Every single medication makes her angry and irritable and moody. It's been 3 years, she feels like a science experiment and we have gotten no where. I wish with everything I have that we would find a medication that would actually help.

amother

Powderblue

Wed, May 15 2024, 12:22 pm

I've been mocked for this opinion before, but I firmly believe it should be up to the child. Medication is a very personal thing, and only the child can feel the effect it has on them and decide whether it's right for them.

amother

Marigold

Wed, May 15 2024, 12:25 pm

amother Crystal wrote:

My dd is almost 10 and in 4th grade and she has been on medication since the beginning of last school year (3rd grade). We medicated her because although she came home knowing everything that was taught in school, she really struggled to keep up daily. Her teachers literally thought she was a struggling student, even though she is really smart! Medication changed everything for her. She rose to the top of her class, gained confidence, teachers love her, and she has more friends! I only give her medication on school days, as directed by her doctor, because on weekends she is fine without it. She is on controlled release methylphenidate and it has been a game-changer!

At one point I dragged my feet but I decided I don't want to destroy her confidence in school just because I'm scared of medication...

This describes my DD 6 (almost 7) and myself to a T!
We are in Israel and was able to put her on 10mg of ritalin exactly a yr a go and have seen such a huge difference in her.
I saw her struggling exactly how I was in school and felt so bad that she would have 15 more yrs of it. She knew her work but never brought home a finished work sheet. Struggled socially and coz she is academically on par with her class she was aware she was failing.
She had a great ganenet that picked up that she couldn't sit and would make her pickup her pen and things she 'dropped' when she noticed DD needed refocusing but DD was clever enough to realize and it disturbed her. We didn't tell the ganenet once we started the pill and she spoke to us after 2 weeks saying she doesn't know what happened, suddenly she is managing to fill in the work and focus.
She now has become so much better socially.

I 'slept' through school, still got A*on maths as it's hands on but Hebrew studies I couldn't even focus when I tried(and I did). I wish in those days it was an option to have been given the pill.
I still struggle so badly when I work from home I sometimes consider to go get official testing and take ritalin that I can work efficiently. (Pretty sure I was asked to leave a job because of it). Yes I have a hard time focusing to clear up the house and get things done.
Personally didn't think about it affecting shidduchim until now but I don't think I care. If the guy doesn't want her for having ADD under control I wouldn't want him to father her kids who have a high chance of ADD.

amother

Puce

Wed, May 15 2024, 12:27 pm

I think it would be a great gift to her to find the right medication and the right dosage, to allow her to learn the skills that she needs and boost her confidence. It definitely doesn't have to be a life sentence, but even if it turns out that she wants to stay on long term - BH this kind of help exists. At a certain point she can decide for herself if she still wants/ needs it.

amother

IndianRed ↓

Wed, May 15 2024, 12:37 pm

As a 40 year old with inattentive ADHD who just started on medication less than a year ago, PLEASE consider medication for her. Please.

I didn't have a diagnosis as a kid, only figured it out when my oldest was diagnosed when I was in my late 20s. And then I stayed off of medication myself because I was functioning well enough and still in my childbearing years.

But I struggled a LOT as a kid, and as a teenager too. I was very bright, so grades weren't an issue B"H. But no matter how well my test grades were, I always felt like a failure. I'd never remember my homework, left coat after coat in school, always forgot things that were important to my friends or family members, and just always felt like the things that everyone else could do so easily were completely impossible for me. I lived in a mess, always felt like I was forgetting something or messing something up.

And then I got married. I had no idea how to cook or clean (my mother gave up on trying to teach me, or never tried, I'm not sure). My apartment was a complete mess. I was always running late to work. I wasted my Sundays, which were my only time to get things done, because I just didn't know where to start and my to-do list was SO long. Self esteem is based on feeling that you're a competent person, that you can accomplish the things you want to accomplish. Mine was in the sewer.

When my oldest was diagnosed, it was like a light bulb went on. I learned a TON about adhd (honestly, it was my hyperfocus for a while) and applied it to him, but also to myself. My life became about lists and schedules and timers going off all the time. Suddenly, I was accomplishing things! It felt great! But also, it was so hard. So, so hard. Everything needed timers and schedules and lists and it felt like that was just my life.

And then finally I decided I was going to try medication for myself. I saw how much it helped my two kids who are now diagnosed. Wow. It's like there was this fuzz over my brain, this constant static, that I never knew was there until the medication took it away. (Yes, it took some time to get the right med and the right dosage.) There was this weight on my shoulders that made everything take so much extra effort, and suddenly it was gone. I could say to myself "I need to make a phone call" and then go and do it. Beforehand, it would have meant putting it on my list, telling myself I really need to do it, groaning and saying "I'll put a timer on for ten minutes and do it then," and then ten minutes later promising myself that if I made the phone call I'd give myself a treat afterwards. All for one silly phone call! Now I could just pick up the phone and make the call, with no real emotional energy spent.

I'm sorry I'm writing a whole megillah. But please, please help her. She doesn't even realize she needs help, she just thinks that this who she is, that's she's lazy or something. (In seminar, I used to look in every mussar sefer to see what they said about atzlus because I assumed that was my problem.) She has no idea that there's a way to help her brain do all the things that other people can do...

amother

↑ Mintgreen

Wed, May 15 2024, 12:57 pm

amother Trillium wrote:

Had that too with two of mine.

Did you try short acting? one of my dds can't be on the extended release / long acting because she gets so much more irritable.
Short acting (2-3 times a day) works better for her.

A different child can't be on a stimulant altogether, though it's clearly what he needs. its a very hard situation.

amother

↑ Anemone

Wed, May 15 2024, 2:49 pm

amother Beige wrote:

Start with your pediatrician and they will refer you to a dr. who can evaluate and diagnose it.

Pediatrician didn’t think it’s at a point to medicate and didn’t think diagnosis valuable if not medicating now. (Also that diagnosis is very expensive)
Not sure what to do, don’t have money now but want to help my kid.

amother

↑ IndianRed ↓

Wed, May 15 2024, 2:51 pm

amother Anemone wrote:

If you don't have the money, look into using a developmental pediatrician. Your insurance should cover it (check into this) like a regular pediatrician's visit. I was in the same situation when my oldest needed a diagnosis. The downside is you have to wait a looooong time, so it doesn't work if your child is already in crisis. Like you might have to wait nine months for an appointment. But get your child on the schedule now (again, assuming that your insurance will pay) so that you don't wait until it gets to the point where you can't wait that long anymore...

amother

Rainbow

Wed, May 15 2024, 3:23 pm

Hi, I have 6 kids with ADD/ADHD lol. Smile

Various journeys with medication. Sometimes it's really difficult to find a brand and dosage that works for a particular child (it's trial and error), but if you can find the right type for your child, it can really work like magic. And from experience the child is SOOOO much happier.

I think that the vast majority of families would not reject a shidduch because the child took meds for ADD. My oldest who is married did not have any issues with shidduchim and I'm pretty open about our kids' ADD.

amother

Cantaloupe

Wed, May 15 2024, 3:35 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

Are you me?

All of this. I'm a mom in my 30s, who was a complete mess without meds (currently off because trying for one more baby, then I'm going back on asap).

I call this "the storm inside my head." Medication makes it go quiet and then I can get things done like a competent adult.

Nobody really noticed because I was also really bright, but I worked twice as hard as everyone else for what I got, when I really didn't need to. And I didn't understand why I kept getting called lazy when it was hard for me to do things that are so normal for everyone else.

And my family kept making fun of me for being the family ditz, futzing up deadlines, and losing everything, and getting lost everywhere, and having my room and backpack and locker and... be such a mess all the time.

I had so much trouble with friends because I would either keep interrupting, or hang like a barnacle on the few other girls who would tolerate me. Or I put up with friends who would treat me badly because my self-esteem was so low, and at least they were willing to spend time with me.

This is like saying my baby can crawl to get around, so she's fine, when your kid should be able to run and jump. And if she's smart like me, if you get her meds, she should be able to run marathons. Please help get her meds.

amother

↑ IndianRed

Wed, May 15 2024, 3:53 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

And my family kept making fun of me for being the family ditz, futzing up deadlines, and losing everything, and getting lost everywhere, and having my room and backpack and locker and... be such a mess all the time.

Yes! This! My brothers used to sing "The Twilight Zone" theme song at me. My mother used to tell one of my friends to make sure I did things (like bring home my coat from school) instead of telling me, because she knew I'd never remember. And one year my teacher allowed me to have a second desk because my first one was overflowing...that was also the year that my locker started to reek so much that all the kids with lockers on either side of mine started complaining, and when someone opened my locker door and saw all the old milk containers and banana peels and everything else (mixed in with old homework sheets and things)...ugh it was awful and embarassing because I sort of knew it was that bad but I was so overwhelmed by it that I couldn't do anything about it so I just ignored it and pretended it wasn't there...

Hi kindred spirit! ;-)

amother

Lightgreen

Wed, May 15 2024, 4:00 pm

I knew once my son was 5 that he had inattentive adhd. I also realized that I have it. I started his medication when he couldn't keep up in school and they were going to kick him out. Medication is only for school days and it makes a big difference. He hates taking it though. When/if I see he is not struggling ok off days I will stop it. When he doesn't take it he definitely struggles even with basic tasks. But remember: medication helps. It doesn't change him.

amother

Mint

Wed, May 15 2024, 8:49 pm

You don’t have to start with a stimulant. Strattera takes 4-6 weeks to load and it isn’t the same class of medication. I medicated some of my kids. I tried and tried without. Once they were medicated, they were able to cope and started doing well in school.