ADD in girls - can we discuss?

amother

OP ↓

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:08 pm

ETA:
Short version: My boys have done well on ADD meds. I’m worried about medicating a girl. What do you think?

———-
Longer version for those with patience:

There’s so much talk about boys with ADD/ADHD. At least 2 of my boys have it, one is medicated (grade school age) and the other is weaned off - he’s almost an adult and manages his life beautifully and is happier without it.

My first DD age 10, is struggling in school. I’m realizing that she very likely has it too. It looks so different in her that I almost missed it.

She’s kind of all over the place in some ways but really together in others. She’s starting to feel dumb and keeps telling me that she just can’t sit and listen for so long. Her teacher told her today that she has the most spring fever in the class. She’s really artistic and is incredible with my little kids. She does well socially though, and is not impulsive or hyperactive which makes me think she just has the inattentive type of ADD. She definitely is more disorganized than my children who don’t have diagnoses (I have boys older and girls younger than her who do not have ADHD). Unless I create a clear routine with her, she forgets important things all the time. She wears glasses but frequently forgets them at home, forgets her lunch or snack that she was excited to bring etc.

MIL and some of my SILs definitely have ADD but undiagnosed. They are high energy and can’t sit and hated school thinking they were just dumb and not academic. As adults, they function pretty well - they have other great qualities that compensate for the forgetfulness etc. They’re put together and extremely well liked, but definitely the type to come late to pickup or forget it’s their turn for carpool. But I see that they really do find ways to remind themselves and be functional, and they are amazing mothers.

For my boys, medication was not such a difficult choice. (A rebbe in the yeshiva who also works in a popular boys camp told me that a full THIRD of the boys he interacts with are medicated. I found that number staggering.) I feel that the world is more understanding of boys with ADHD. (Until their wives hit Imamotjer, that is…)

I’m really struggling with the decision now. She adamantly is opposed to it, doesn’t want to feel different and hates the whole idea even though she cries almost nightly about not handling school. I do think I can convince her. But I’m not sure I want to.

I’m worried about her self perception; she’s pretty hard on herself already. I’m worried about the hormonal impact as she hits puberty soon.

And I know I’ll be judged for this, but I am worried about shidduchim. I feel that there is such a stigma and to add that to the difficulty girls already have in shidduchim…I just don’t want to throw this in too. Maybe it’s a lack of bitachon, or maybe it’s hishtadlus to do what we can to make sure she doesn’t have anything holding her back.

Maybe she can muddle through school like my SILs and then move on to real life b’shalom. I have no doubt that she will be a fantastic mom and wife once she’s done with school. She’s already amazing - can cook, bake, help bathe kids and keep them entertained etc. And she LOVES doing it, I don’t even ask her, she begs to help instead of homework lol. But… maybe she really needs medication to be able to develop into an emotionally healthy young woman with a positive self perception. High school is gonna be a killer on her, and can see it already.

I’m really torn.

Please be gentle but realistic in your responses. And I just asked this to some people IRL, so if you figured me out, hi! Yes, I’m on imamother occasionally too… Don’t tell my kids schools lol Smile

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:09 pm

OMG, just realized how looooong that came out. Sorry! Thought all that info was necessary for context…

amother

Anemone ↓

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:13 pm

I have a daughter a couple of grades older who I’m pretty sure has adhd I just can’t afford an eval now. School is very hard. She forgets to write down her homework ever. Single. Day. Disorganized at home.
Not considering medication yet but if I need to I will. I think this coming year will be more determining, this past year was the first time teachers caught on(because she’s bright and masked it until now but at some point the games up)
You can’t compare those with hyperactivity and those without. My biggest fear is how my daughter will run her home.
I am not against medication I just want to know what I’m dealing with.
If she takes medication and does well then I’ll be thrilled. Shidduchim will be hit more if a girl is flying now because I think she won’t be developing herself the same way. Sad

Bottom line: Her self-esteem is very important and self-esteem is based on self-efficacy.

amother

Coffee ↓

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

There’s so much talk about boys with ADD/ADHD. At least 2 of my boys have it, one is medicated (grade school age) and the other is weaned off - he’s almost an adult and manages his life beautifully and is happier without it.

My first DD age 10, is struggling in school. I’m realizing that she very likely has it too. It looks so different in her that I almost missed it.

She’s kind of all over the place in some ways but really together in others. She’s starting to feel dumb and keeps telling me that she just can’t sit and listen for so long. Her teacher told her today that she has the most spring fever in the class. She’s really artistic and is incredible with my little kids. She does well socially though, and is not impulsive or hyperactive which makes me think she just has the inattentive type of ADD. She definitely is more disorganized than my children who don’t have diagnoses (I have boys older and girls younger than her who do not have ADHD). Unless I create a clear routine with her, she forgets important things all the time. She wears glasses but frequently forgets them at home, forgets her lunch or snack that she was excited to bring etc.

MIL and some of my SILs definitely have ADD but undiagnosed. They are high energy and can’t sit and hated school thinking they were just dumb and not academic. As adults, they function pretty well - they have other great qualities that compensate for the forgetfulness etc. They’re put together and extremely well liked, but definitely the type to come late to pickup or forget it’s their turn for carpool. But I see that they really do find ways to remind themselves and be functional, and they are amazing mothers.

For my boys, medication was not such a difficult choice. (A rebbe in the yeshiva who also works in a popular boys camp told me that a full THIRD of the boys he interacts with are medicated. I found that number staggering.) I feel that the world is more understanding of boys with ADHD. (Until their wives hit Imamotjer, that is…)

I’m really struggling with the decision now. She adamantly is opposed to it, doesn’t want to feel different and hates the whole idea even though she cries almost nightly about not handling school. I do think I can convince her. But I’m not sure I want to.

I’m worried about her self perception; she’s pretty hard on herself already. I’m worried about the hormonal impact as she hits puberty soon.

And I know I’ll be judged for this, but I am worried about shidduchim. I feel that there is such a stigma and to add that to the difficulty girls already have in shidduchim…I just don’t want to throw this in too. Maybe it’s a lack of bitachon, or maybe it’s hishtadlus to do what we can to make sure she doesn’t have anything holding her back.

Maybe she can muddle through school like my SILs and then move on to real life b’shalom. I have no doubt that she will be a fantastic mom and wife once she’s done with school. She’s already amazing - can cook, bake, help bathe kids and keep them entertained etc. And she LOVES doing it, I don’t even ask her, she begs to help instead of homework lol. But… maybe she really needs medication to be able to develop into an emotionally healthy young woman with a positive self perception. High school is gonna be a killer on her, and can see it already.

I’m really torn.

Please be gentle but realistic in your responses. And I just asked this to some people IRL, so if you figured me out, hi! Yes, I’m on imamother occasionally too… Don’t tell my kids schools lol Smile

I dealt a with a lot of the same, both with myself and dd. My opinion is that it is unwise to medicate if she's only really struggling in the classroom. If she's doing fine enough socially and at home and in camp, I think it's unfair and risky to put a child on medication. There's lots of other things you can do to help her with executive functioning, time management and organization. OT can also help. I think the most important thing that will help your dd long term is to develop routines. I personally still struggle with disorganization, but my daughter, who when she was younger, had a disaster of a briefcase and all the contents of her desk falling out, now has the neatest desk and at home, her drawers are filled with clothes folded in the mari kondo style, standing up!! I'm so glad I didn't fold to pressure. She's doing much better in regards to her ADHD weaknesses, and she's loved, adored and appreciated by her classmates and teachers because of her amazing, fun ADHD brain and personality.

amother

↑ Coffee ↓

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

OMG, just realized how looooong that came out. Sorry! Thought all that info was necessary for context…

Are you sure you don't have ADHD too? We tend to ramble. Wink

amother

Mintgreen ↓

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:39 pm

I too have quite a few kids with add/adhd. boys and girls. different variations even within the same gender.

One of my daughters sounds similar to your child- inattentive, disorganized, a little all over the place, etc.

For quite a number of years, we did not medicate. But at a certain point, we realized that it was really affecting her self esteem. She was always the last one ready when the morah said to take out your chumash and open to whatever page, she couldn't find her supplies during class, she wasn't able to focus on the lesson too well, etc etc and she was starting to feel pretty awful about herself.
(of course we tried practical strategies to help with organization etc, but it wasn't doing it).

We started her on a low doze of a stimulant, and it's been working pretty well for her. It's a few years later now, she is 14, and she's still on a low dose and it's been a very positve change.

newmommy:)

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:43 pm

I just want to say ... you sound like an incredible mother.
you see so much good in all your children (and really everyone around you)

I don't have much to add to your questions I have younger kids 10 and under and while I'm sure theres add there nothing that we've done anything significant about yet. I just wanted to say you sound so positive and amazing so hurray for you and your kids they are lucky Smile

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:51 pm

amother Coffee wrote:

Are you sure you don't have ADHD too? We tend to ramble. Wink

Hmmm….

I think all of us ramble occasionally when we have a lot on our minds.

But hey, you never know! I’d be in great company with the rest of the family lol

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:52 pm

newmommy:) wrote:

That’s so nice to hear, thanks!!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:54 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Thanks, would you say it impacted her at all hormonally? Did she hit puberty yet?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:56 pm

amother Coffee wrote:

So this is my natural instinct, but then I wonder if I’m just saying all this because deep down I don’t want to have to deal with it in shidduchim. And I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but I do.

amother

Crystal

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:57 pm

My dd is almost 10 and in 4th grade and she has been on medication since the beginning of last school year (3rd grade). We medicated her because although she came home knowing everything that was taught in school, she really struggled to keep up daily. Her teachers literally thought she was a struggling student, even though she is really smart! Medication changed everything for her. She rose to the top of her class, gained confidence, teachers love her, and she has more friends! I only give her medication on school days, as directed by her doctor, because on weekends she is fine without it. She is on controlled release methylphenidate and it has been a game-changer!

At one point I dragged my feet but I decided I don't want to destroy her confidence in school just because I'm scared of medication...

amother

↑ Mintgreen ↓

Tue, May 14 2024, 9:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thanks, would you say it impacted her at all hormonally? Did she hit puberty yet?

Yes she hit puberty, no impact hormonally

amother

↑ Mintgreen ↓

Tue, May 14 2024, 10:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

You know what will help her the most in shidduchim?
Helping her become the best version of herself now. (whatever you deem that to be).

Don't worry about shidduchim, do what you think is best for her now.
Many people phase out the medication as they get older, and a past history of meds for focusing in school is not likely to be a dealbreaker in shidduchim (she would probably tell after a few dates).

amother

Maroon

Tue, May 14 2024, 10:10 pm

I have ADD and I vote yes.

amother

NeonYellow

Tue, May 14 2024, 10:15 pm

My dd has inattentive adhd. Definitely no hyperactiveness. She was always well behaved in class and teachers didn't notice that she was lost for so much of the classes. After the first tests each year, the teachers would call me so confused. They thought she was following along, and said perhaps she was a bad test taker. Dd is also very disorganized and has some poor executive skills.

For a few years I brought up the idea of evaluating and medicating her, but dh was strongly apposed to it. This year was really difficult for her and dh finally agreed to start the process. Dd is 13, and she had a hard time agreeing to take it.

Long story short, she recently started taking concerta, and I've been seeing a lot of improvement bh. I can't go backwards, but I wonder what could've been if she had started the medication years ago.

amother

↑ Coffee

Tue, May 14 2024, 10:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

It's great that your self aware. Please be aware that with or without meds, your going to be "dealing" with it during shidduchim. I myself was unaware that I had ADHD, but when it started getting serious when I was dating dh, I definitely discussed that I struggle with organization and similar. It wasn't brought up as an "issue" per say, but rather in conversation taking about it struggles are strengths, just letting him get to know me better.

I know that many are helped with medication, but I would suggest trying other methods first, just like those who ended up on medication did. And if you do decide to go on the medication route, please don't neglect working on the skills that will help her later on in life. (Routines! Routines! Routines! - and how to independently set them up)

paperflowers

Tue, May 14 2024, 10:27 pm

A big problem with the way we deal with ADHD is treating the symptoms that are bothersome to other people but not necessarily the individual. A prime example is giving meds only when the child's hyperactivity is making things hard for the teacher or other students. It's so much easier to ignore a child whose inattention is making them always lose things and miss important information. Please consider how medications might help your daughter's functioning and confidence.

Re: shidduchim, I personally didn't have any problems with stigma in dating. I didn't actually discuss my ADHD with shadchanim, but I would bring it up myself on dates pretty early on. I was on medication at the time but it would have been important to disclose in any case because it effects so much even as an adult. It was never the reason why a shidduch ended.

amother

DarkYellow

Tue, May 14 2024, 10:34 pm

As someone whose parents dismissed the diagnosis as a kid, I can only recommend yes, yes, yes. At least try. ADHD is one of the easiest things to treat for around 80-90 percent of people with ADHD. She's going to have major side effects if you don't treat her or at least get her into therapies. Hyperactivity doesn't always look the same in girls as it does in boys. It means the brain is hyperactive. It can come out in saying a lot, can't shut off the brain, can't stop getting distracted now.

OP, whatever she's learning and doing now, she'll benefit a million times more if she's being treated. And the low-self esteem is real. What else to expect when it seems like you're constantly doing the wrong thing (and people tend to moralize these mistakes, like if only she cared more, she'd be able to)? It's not her fault and she needs help.

If you haven't already, please watch this set of videos:

https://youtube.com/playlist?l.....uuRiW

amother

↑ OP

Wed, May 15 2024, 12:49 am

Thank you all for the responses. You’ve given me a lot of food for thought.

Perhaps I’ll come back once I’ve processed a bit.