Preparing supper for adult single children

amother

OP ↓

Thu, May 02 2024, 6:25 pm

I’m feeling frustrated and wondering how other people approach this. I cook for my husband and teen and keep my adult single kids living in our house in mind too. Often, it turns out they have plans with friends or are just “Not in the mood” for whatever I made even if I chose to prepare it because they like it. Some nights, once a week usually, my husband will be fine with leftovers and the teen with pasta or pizza. The single adults have been complaining ( & judging) when I don’t prepare a fresh supper. I work full time and I’m getting older and more tired. I’ve reminded them that we have plenty of ingredients in the house if they want to cook their own supper, a stocked freezer, plus they can drive to a grocery or takeout. I feel used and that they’re acting entitled. Am I “supposed” to cater to them until they’re married, at whatever age they might be?

teachkids

Thu, May 02 2024, 6:35 pm

I would make a weekly menu, posted somewhere they can see it. If they don't like a certain night's choice they can make their own dinner. Honestly though, once we hit highschool (actually more like 11th grade I think) we were each responsible for one nights dinner for the family

singleagain

Thu, May 02 2024, 6:39 pm

As an adult living at home.

My dad will inform me what is in the fridge. What leftovers are around. Remind me about tuna cans and other ready to make/eat things.

Sometimes... Not always, I will ask him about a certain super if I'm craving it. Like one time as I got in the car home, I asked if we had tuna and if he would make it

He'll also sometimes tell me what he's planning on making for my mom and if I want I'll ask him to make some.

The only time he davka asked me was when my mom was in Israel and it was just the two of us at home

Otherwise I generally fend for myself.

amother

Hyacinth

Thu, May 02 2024, 6:39 pm

I’d do a rotation. Make each kid take a night and you do one night.

Just saying my 12 year old helps with supper already. And any night she doesn’t like the food she just makes herself something else. You absolutely do not have to be a shmatta.

amother

Stoneblue

Thu, May 02 2024, 6:40 pm

Adultness aside, leftovers and/or pasta/pizza is totally fine for supper. You don’t have to cater to one child because they want a “better” supper. Especially if you have other options they can make themselves.

imasinger

Thu, May 02 2024, 6:54 pm

You will do them a favor if you stick to your guns.

Whatever is preventing them from doing more for themselves in the evenings is getting in the way of their becoming independent.

It probably starts with a planning meeting.

Whether they individually make a plan for a week's dinners that they'll make -- and clean up! -- on their own; or whether each person agrees to make for the family one night a week, it's important to work together and think ahead.

If you do the shopping, the ingredients for their planned meals can be on the list, so they'll have what they want.

You may be surprised by how quickly the need for hot fresh food disappears when it's incumbent on them to do the work. All of a sudden, the quick, easy meal is frequently good enough.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, May 02 2024, 7:08 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

How old are these adult single children?

I think there is a difference between an 18 year old and a 26 year old.

22-26
And growing up, while I always took peoples preferences into consideration, I never made more than one supper. If they didn’t like it, they could have cereal or a sandwich. So it’s not like they were raised super spoiled. That’s why I’m wondering why they have these expectations.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, May 02 2024, 7:12 pm

At some point, when kids are still single and have become adults, are we supposed to lay out ground rules or something? Like: they know to let me know if they’ll be out past 11 and they’re really good about staying in touch and not letting me worry;) But we still pay for almost everything ( not their vacations with friends or makeup or the occasional brand name splurge item) and I still take care of their laundry. 🤷‍♀️

seeker

Thu, May 02 2024, 7:13 pm

I think the issue might be with expectation. If you usually make supper for everyone, then one night they come home hungry and that's the night you didn't make supper, it makes sense they'd be thrown off. I think communication is in order both ways - they should let you know when they'll be out, to whatever extent they know I'm advance, and you should let them know if you're planning to make supper.

Yes they are acting entitled, but this can be addressed with troubleshooting rather than judging.

amother

↑ OP

Thu, May 02 2024, 7:15 pm

seeker wrote:

The thing is, I’m not judging them, but I’m worn out from them judging me.

amother

SandyBrown

Thu, May 02 2024, 7:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

You should probably stop paying for their things and doing their laundry. No wonder they expect you to make supper too you do everything else for them. Sounds like it's time for them to gain a little independence...especially the 26 year old.

imanotmommy

Thu, May 02 2024, 8:32 pm

You are right. It's your choice whether to cook for them at all or not. (Or assign them nights to cook for you)
The only way that they may be right is: if you generally make them food and then one night you don't without warning, then they don't have a chance to plan for it. But you can make whatever rules you want (including for curfews, laundry, etc) as long as they're living under your roof.
Be aware that if you have them do their own laundry, you need to have some kind of schedule, because you still want to be able to do your other laundry.

amother

Holly

Thu, May 02 2024, 8:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

Can you assign dinner making each day of the week to different children? Let's say you make every Monday, Sarah makes on Tuesdays, Avrohom makes on Wednesdays, and Rivkah cooks on Thursday.
They need to take ownership and responsibility, in order to see why it males such a difference when they don't inform the others of their dinner schedules.
You deserve a break too.

amother

Oatmeal

Thu, May 02 2024, 9:26 pm

OP, I could’ve written this post. I can’t stand when my adult child comes home at the same time as me or before and then gets mad that there’s no supper for her. I don’t have supper for her bec I’m tired of her pickiness, I’m tired of making her supper when shea going out to eat without telling me, I’m tired of her not eating leftover food that’s a day old. I cook for my husband and younger kids. My adult children can either eat the food I make for the younger ones or make their own dinner. I just hate when they complain that “ there a nothing for them to eat”

amother

IndianRed

Thu, May 02 2024, 11:03 pm

Past the age of 21 ish I think children are well advised to be responsible for their cooking cleaning and laundry. It’s sort of arrested development to still sit around your mothers table when you are I dunno a 27 year old single guy . Fry your own shnitzel and give mama a break