S/o Parenting with limited finances

amother

Birch

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 11:53 pm

amother Olive wrote:

Thats very sad and a bit unfair. I mean you dont even look at a girl, if everything else is a good match but the parents are wealthy?
There is so much wrong eith the shidduch system already. And here is yet another example. Crying

Lol, don't worry.

Some other yeshiva bachur will happily take her and spend future holidays with her parents. Don't start feeling bad for the poor little rich girls.

OP, start now educating your son how important it is to spend time with family for yomim tovim, and how family relationships are more important than material comfort.

My parents were always comfortable while my ILs lived in tight spaces. Although I dislike going there - does anyone really want to share a room with all their kids for 9 days? - I do it because they are my husband's family. My mother encourages me to go and enjoy, and without her support I wouldn't be as gracious as I try to be.

Make sure your children marry people with good middos, (parents with good middos is a definite plus). That should be enough to get them to visit you regularly. And, of course, treat your DIL well! Then she'll want to come.

#BestBubby

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 1:02 am

My DH is a lifetime learner and $$$ was tight.

My kids have fond memories of me reading tons of books to them, playing board games, doing puzzles, baking cookies and going to the park.

I also arranged for their friends to come over or walk them over to their friends.

Mostly being a happy mother who loves her kids makes for happy kids.

Tried to get them some of the extras they wanted, nicer clothes, telling them this was their birthday present or chanukah present. They were ok with that.

Today I am the poorer Bubby but the einiklech are excited when I come because I enjoy reading to them, playing games and taking them to the park.

amother

Broom

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 1:43 am

It doesn’t always work who has the most money. We do take our kids on vacation sometimes and my sons family is really struggling and they actually help them out but they do spend more time by then. They live in the same city as them and see them much more often. We are driving distance, but still harder to get to us. They do come to us quite often, but they definitely go there more and we definitely have a better accommodations with a room with a private bathroom and maybe take them on vacation once a year we’re not well enough to take everybody to hotels of a time or anything like that, but just saying doesn’t always mean who has the most money.

amother

Lemonlime

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 3:01 am

My parents aren’t wealthy at all but my in-laws are.
My parents make pesach at home and everyone that comes needs to roll up their sleeves. And we need to pay the tickets which are very expensive.

Yes, I go away with my in-laws.

Before you all jump on me it’s simple. I don’t go with them for the fancy vacations and hotels and trips to Israel all expenses paid. Although that’s nice and all that’s not my reasoning. We go with my in-laws because they are not emotionally abusive and manipulative interfering people like my parents are...

So just be nice and welcoming.

amother

↑ Olive ↓

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 3:10 am

amother Birch wrote:

Thats actually dusgusting.
Not everyone rich or wealthy has one outlook.
What an awful way to look at people.

amother

↑ Chocolate ↓

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 4:30 am

amother Olive wrote:

Why would I want my son to have a demanding / entitled wife.. he is a smart hard working kid and will emrth bring home a good living -and def will help at home (as he does now without being asked) but if ur wife is into brand name stuff the sky is the limit. I am so so scared. Coming from a thrifty/ happy with less mindset changes everything. Of course if the only “problem” is they come from $$ we would go ahead but it’s not on the positive side.. who wants all that pressure.

amother

↑ Olive ↓

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 5:35 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

Why does someone wealthy automatically mean they are spoiled wnd entitled?
Such silliness.

amother

↑ Lightgreen ↓

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 7:28 am

amother Olive wrote:

Why does someone wealthy automatically mean they are spoiled wnd entitled?
Such silliness.

That’s why you look at the family. Is she used to luxury hotel vacations? Are they known for their chesed and tzedakah or their fancy cars?
Is external appearance very important to them?

Some wealthy families raise kids who are not entitled. Some wealthy families raise kids who are very very entitled.

I know both types. One of the people I most admire is a man who is a billionaire but is so generous and humble and not at all ostentatious. Pesach is sometimes spent at home, and is not always spent in a hotel.

amother

↑ Olive

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:28 am

amother Lightgreen wrote:

That’s why you look at the family. Is she used to luxury hotel vacations? Are they known for their chesed and tzedakah or their fancy cars?
Is external appearance very important to them?

well then Im very glad that I didnt meet my husbabd through the shidduch system because it turned out that my in laws are wealthy. I only really learned the extent after we were msrried a few years. Abd by then, even though my husband and I had very different outlooks, we were stuck together, in a good way.

amother

↑ NeonOrange

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:50 am

I dont think its rude to say you wouldn't do a shidduch with a wealthy family.

financial disagreements is one of the highest causes of divorce in the world. At the end of the day your money mindset is so much of how you were raised to see money and when you come from completely opposite backgrounds.. sometimes its like living with an alien.

I did not grow up always financially stable .. there were times my parents were really poor. My husband, however, never lacked for a thing in his life. and he wasn't even spoiled! no luxuries, nothing crazy but he cant comprehend the idea that some people really dont have money for things he considers 'basics'

he'll get resentful of my parents for not buying/doing certain things. to me that is a ridiculous spoiled entitled expectation.. I try to explain to him that sometimes people LITERALLY dont have the $$ in the bank and he cant understand that..

to be clear.. I am happily married. I love him and am so grateful for the blessings that we have in our lives financially. BUT I totally see how its not simple at all.

I will also say that my in laws are incredibly generous and tznius people. my parents and myself did not realize the extent of their wealth before I got married. I would say dh and his siblings were raised in the most healthy way regarding to wealth and STILL you cant compare the upbringing.

amother

↑ Lightgreen ↓

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:19 am

amother Olive wrote:

My in laws are also wealthy and my parents are opposite but my in laws are generous and not showy so it works.
Dh is not entitled and is hard working.

amother

Red

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:33 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

I have def said no to girls that come from wealthy families. I think marrying you so. To a rich girl is the worse thing u can do for them. Obviously it’s not the only thing to look for but having $$$ is a negative to us. I want a hard working thrifty girl who will support my son’s learning.

amother

↑ Chocolate

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:52 am

Life is more complicated than that. The man has an obligation to support his wife. And many times women get burnt out from being so thrifty. What happens if she treats herself to a nice outfit or wig. Are you going to comment and make her feel bad? Adjust your expectations from now.

Def not if u can afford it def go ahead and splurge… but I have a SIL who just demanded to move into a huge 2 floor home with 4 kids under 6 coming from a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom apt.. when they are living off Tzhdekah… there is something gross about a lot of entitlement that w rich spoiled girl has.. she doesn’t even appreciate it.. its becomes a given… for all I know my son will be supper rich… lol he is a def a smart that working kid…

amother

Anemone

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 3:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

So another thread got me thinking. My kids are still young so want to get this right. We dont have a lot of $$ (although have what we need) but I would be so hurt if my kids one day grew up and decided never to come to me for pesach because their inlaws gave them extravagant things. This is not just pesach lets say fancy vacations etc…
Any ideas how to instill in my children to value quality time with parents over pure materialism?
Thoughts?

Every situation is different and if you read into the thread, it wasn't really about the materialism. It was the full experience.

My parents are not well off and I don't want to say never, but I won't likely be going to them for Pesach.

It has nothing to do with the money but the other things. I wouldn't be expected to do any of the prep before. Just day of like serving and things so that's not an issue for me.

It's the space, the energy, the dynamic. I would rent a space on their block but if not available, sorry, I am not going to be visiting for the Yom Tov days. I will happily go over chol hamoed.

I have the same rule for Shabbos. I am not moving in. It's chaotic, dysfunctional, and not serene. I don't mind the simplicity. I stay with a different family locally and walk over but Pesach people don't have the space as much to give.

If they had tons of money, my boundaries would be the same. I'm just not moving in. I cannot. I did lots of personal work to overcome the trauma and dysfunction and they are unwilling to get help mentally. I can visit for short times but none of this long term things.

I think many people would agree that if there are good middos all around, there's space for the married couple and their children to have some semblance of a routine and space without toxicity, mutual respect and appreciation, the helping out, simplicity, squishing etc is fine.

It's the energy. That's also what I got from her post. Work on having a judgement free home with healthy communication and you'll be fine.