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-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
amother
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 Sun, Apr 14 2024, 10:45 pm
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Iām devastated by how my 13 year old dd is treating me. I know itās normal but why would she turn on me like this. I donāt know how to deal with it. No she isnāt my first dd she is my second. I had a very hard time with my first dd and truthfully still do. This dd is very different and I really hoped her teenage years would be different. I definitely learned from the mistakes I made with my first but Iām just heartbroken to be treated like garbage by this precious dd of mine. Please be gentle in your responses. Iām pretty fragile right now.
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amother
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Sun, Apr 14 2024, 10:48 pm
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My 13 yo daughter is my oldest and is so belligerent. She was an obedient kid and now is desperate for power. I hate it. Really hard to like her now.
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amother
Cognac
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Sun, Apr 14 2024, 11:08 pm
I'm really struggling with my 10 yo. She's always been a challenging child since forever. But lately, I feel like I've used up all my reserves parenting her.
I have other children. All 3 of them together don't compare to what energy it takes to just tolerate her. Not even to like her.
Today, I just had a mini breakdown. I cried in bed for a full hour.
Has happened before, but those times dh was home. He'd put on a noise machine outside, and I'd hide from the kids. Now he wasn't home, and she saw me crying after she was incredibly mean to all the kids and myself all morning. And I just lost it.
I told her I'm so mad I can barely contain myself and let's all stay in our room so I don't lose control and slap her.
Then I felt so dysfunctional that I'm even telling her that, but honestly, I felt like I'm ready to beat her up. I was beyond words.
So there.
I always knew parenting was hard, but I never thought it could get to this level of hard.
Yes, I have a therapist. No, she doesn't at the moment, but we're working on that.
Yes, she has adhd (hyperactive/inattentive) and a whole alphabet soup of other diagnoses. Taurettes, odd, posibly asd and more. She's on meds.
But that doesn't help enough imo.
My second kid is close up there with her. She also has adhd (impulsive/inattentive) amd GAD.
My 3rd. I'm keeping my hopes up. Too young for any diagnosis. But although extremely bright, is struggling academically in the school setting.
My 4th is just a baby and the highlight of my life these days. She's an absolute joy. I absolutely adored all my babies but this one is something special. She came after a traumatic loss and has been something extra special!
I've also learned to appreciate amd celebrate every single milestone.
I'm sorry your struggling too.
I hope tomorrow is a better day. That's what keeps me going. The hope that tomorrow will be better. And if it's not, then there is always another tomorrow.
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amother
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Sun, Apr 14 2024, 11:18 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Iām devastated by how my 13 year old dd is treating me. I know itās normal but why would she turn on me like this. I donāt know how to deal with it. No she isnāt my first dd she is my second. I had a very hard time with my first dd and truthfully still do. This dd is very different and I really hoped her teenage years would be different. I definitely learned from the mistakes I made with my first but Iām just heartbroken to be treated like garbage by this precious dd of mine. Please be gentle in your responses. Iām pretty fragile right now. |
What happened today? Can you give an example? How did she turn on you?
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amother
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Sun, Apr 14 2024, 11:45 pm
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Teenagers have such attitudes. Sometimes it breaks the ice to say hey were on the same team!
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amother
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Sun, Apr 14 2024, 11:49 pm
| amother Lightcyan wrote: | | What happened today? Can you give an example? How did she turn on you? |
The past few days sheās been ignoring me if I asked her to do something. Tonight she outright said no (she was asked to remove her belongings from her sisterās bed). I asked dh to speak her. After they had been talking for a while I asked if I should join the conversation or stay out. Dh said I should stay. After a minute or two dd said to dh can you please kick her out (of the room). I donāt know why that hurts me so much but it really does
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amother
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Sun, Apr 14 2024, 11:53 pm
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With my oldest dd I held onto the hurt and anger and obviously it wasnāt helpful to our relationship. I just donāt know how to let it go. Iām crying my eyes out right now but tomorrow I should just give her a big smile and happy good morning? I donāt know if I can š
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amother
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 12:00 am
Every day is a new day. Find a way to connect. ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļøā„ļøā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø
I have a teen too. I have cried too. It's hard.
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amother
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 12:05 am
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My 14 year old dd is like that. Any time I say anything to her, or ask her for anything, sheās always got an attitude. Today I left my baby with her for half an hour while I went to pick up another kid, and she called me less than 5 minutes after I left, that I should come get the baby because she doesnāt know what to do with crying babies.
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Bnei Berak 10
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 2:57 am
| amother OP wrote: | | With my oldest dd I held onto the hurt and anger and obviously it wasnāt helpful to our relationship. I just donāt know how to let it go. Iām crying my eyes out right now but tomorrow I should just give her a big smile and happy good morning? I donāt know if I can š |
No reason to give a big smile after she has treated you that way.
Where is your DH in all this?
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imaima
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 3:32 am
| amother OP wrote: | | The past few days sheās been ignoring me if I asked her to do something. Tonight she outright said no (she was asked to remove her belongings from her sisterās bed). I asked dh to speak her. After they had been talking for a while I asked if I should join the conversation or stay out. Dh said I should stay. After a minute or two dd said to dh can you please kick her out (of the room). I donāt know why that hurts me so much but it really does |
Your dh should have stood out for you and shown that she wonāt manipulate one against the other.
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amother
Blush
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 5:46 am
| amother OP wrote: | | The past few days sheās been ignoring me if I asked her to do something. Tonight she outright said no (she was asked to remove her belongings from her sisterās bed). I asked dh to speak her. After they had been talking for a while I asked if I should join the conversation or stay out. Dh said I should stay. After a minute or two dd said to dh can you please kick her out (of the room). I donāt know why that hurts me so much but it really does |
This is so hard and sounds like classic teenage behavior. One parent becomes the source of all that is evil and the other parent is fine. And I think with girls itās typically the mother who is seen as horrible.
13 is SO hard. And I think that itās much harder to be 13 today than it was even a few years ago.
My advice is to let dh be the primary parent to talk to her and to give her space and give yourself compassion.
It WILL get better IYH
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amother
Taupe
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 6:05 am
For you OP.  Our children are adults now, but I see the thoughts the ''5 '' year old grandkids have. When our Grandkids come it's just tons of Kisses. Totally different stage. It will pass and they will come back to you with love.
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amother
Peachpuff
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 6:23 am
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amother
Electricblue
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 6:39 am
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Op, I hope itās a stage. Today my dd about the same age asked why we canāt be like all the normal families who have either switched over today or have a separate Pesach kitchen. First world problems, right?
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amother
Scarlet
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 7:19 am
| amother Cognac wrote: | I'm really struggling with my 10 yo. She's always been a challenging child since forever. But lately, I feel like I've used up all my reserves parenting her.
I have other children. All 3 of them together don't compare to what energy it takes to just tolerate her. Not even to like her.
Today, I just had a mini breakdown. I cried in bed for a full hour.
Has happened before, but those times dh was home. He'd put on a noise machine outside, and I'd hide from the kids. Now he wasn't home, and she saw me crying after she was incredibly mean to all the kids and myself all morning. And I just lost it.
I told her I'm so mad I can barely contain myself and let's all stay in our room so I don't lose control and slap her.
Then I felt so dysfunctional that I'm even telling her that, but honestly, I felt like I'm ready to beat her up. I was beyond words.
So there.
I always knew parenting was hard, but I never thought it could get to this level of hard.
Yes, I have a therapist. No, she doesn't at the moment, but we're working on that.
Yes, she has adhd (hyperactive/inattentive) and a whole alphabet soup of other diagnoses. Taurettes, odd, posibly asd and more. She's on meds.
But that doesn't help enough imo.
My second kid is close up there with her. She also has adhd (impulsive/inattentive) amd GAD.
My 3rd. I'm keeping my hopes up. Too young for any diagnosis. But although extremely bright, is struggling academically in the school setting.
My 4th is just a baby and the highlight of my life these days. She's an absolute joy. I absolutely adored all my babies but this one is something special. She came after a traumatic loss and has been something extra special!
I've also learned to appreciate amd celebrate every single milestone.
I'm sorry your struggling too.
I hope tomorrow is a better day. That's what keeps me going. The hope that tomorrow will be better. And if it's not, then there is always another tomorrow. | Have you considered that your children might have pandas? The tics are very telling.
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amother
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 7:43 am
| Bnei Berak 10 wrote: | No reason to give a big smile after she has treated you that way.
Where is your DH in all this? |
If you don't start fresh each day and forgive and give them a new chance how are you ever going to have a good relationship with them. You can tell them that today is a new day and we start fresh. You are the parent. Your love needs to be unconditional.
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amother
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 8:19 am
| amother Electricblue wrote: | | Op, I hope itās a stage. Today my dd about the same age asked why we canāt be like all the normal families who have either switched over today or have a separate Pesach kitchen. First world problems, right? |
Totally can see my 13 yo saying this š
Weāre so dysfunctional right? š¤£š¤£
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amother
Acacia
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 8:34 am
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When my teen hurts me I telll myself that, the children who are hardest to love need the most love.
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Highstrung
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 8:38 am
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Iām reading this thread and laughing . Sorry for laughing because I know how frustrating and even painful it could be . Iāve been through this with most of my kids and Iām not done yet . I truly believe itās a passing phase. That doesnāt mean itās an easy phase . But I can say that my relationships with each of my kids as they mature and move into adulthood has changed for the better . My DS who was my most difficult teen thus far is now still extremely difficult but we relate to each other on a deeper level now that we actually enjoy each otherās company and conversations even while causing me lots of heartache and him experiencing lots of heartache . I think the most important thing is to make that separation and not to take it personally.
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