if youre being supported finacially by one side

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 10:38 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

Obviously that's ideal but not everyone feels that way. And we are talking about fully supporting them for years and flying them in 1-2x a year. If all they ask in return is to go to them for the seder then op has a pretty good deal going. Not sure what the big deal is.

Yes, my sister fully supports her daughter and SIL in EY, and yet she does not make their plans for them when they fly them in for Pesach. It's understood that they will sometimes want to see the Seder at the other side. It's a normal part of life and chinuch. And it IS a big deal when a couple, year after year, only gets to see the Seder at one side of the family and never the other, all over money.

amother

↑ Charcoal ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 10:40 am

Chayalle wrote:

Kudos to your sister. Not everyone is on that madreiga. And that doesn't make ops in laws bad people or negate all the good they do for her. Nobody is perfect (well maybe your sister is).

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 10:42 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

Kudos to your sister. Not everyone is on that madreiga. And that doesn't make ops in laws bad people or negate all the good they do for her. Nobody is perfect (well maybe your sister is).

I guess I was raised in a family where we give our children without dictating how they use it.
My sister agreed to support the couple. It didn't include any ownership. And she gets that her SIL will want to be by his parents' Seder sometimes.

amother

↑ Charcoal ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 10:45 am

Chayalle wrote:

OP said this is all they ask of her...to come for the seder. I think that's the least they can do to show their parents they appreciate all the money they give them. It's not dictating their life or how they use their money. It's one small ask.

↑ lamplighter

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 10:46 am

Throw the tomatoes but a son being at his father's seder is different to a girl being at her father's seder.

Bottom line is that her in laws get preference for when they come. Are there people who say it's ok you can go to either parents, sure, but that doesn't make her in laws wrong. The one who is wrong is her mother interfering and creating issues.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 10:51 am

lamplighter wrote:

DUCK! There are tomatoes coming your way.
(mother of only girls)
I would never interfere in my daughter's relationship with her in-laws. I'm just saying my view toward the in-laws themselves. If you are the in-laws and truly love your kids, think about how it feels to them. Think of the benefits of giving without causing them any niggling bad feelings because they can't go to the other side's seder ever.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 10:52 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

I disagree. If it's every single year, every single seder, it's not a small ask.

amother

↑ Charcoal ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 10:52 am

Chayalle wrote:

Think of the in laws who give and give and all they ask is one thing. Ops parents should be calling the in laws to thank them for supporting their daughter for years and for flying them in so they could spend the second days with them. If not for the in laws ops parents would never spend yom tov with them.

amother

↑ Chambray

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 10:55 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

If not for OP's in laws, they probably wouldn't not be living in Israel for years on end.....just saying....

amother

Sunflower

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 10:59 am

Wadr Chayalle, you’re not supporting your dd are you? It’s very easy to tell other people how to spend their money. Her ils are flying them in to have their company at the seder. OP can decline, stay in EY. Or she can fly herself in and go to her parents. If someone is paying for something, which is a very reasonable request, you as an outsider don’t really get an opinion on what they “should” be doing

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 11:01 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

Or think of Hashem, who has provided you with the ability to help out your kids. Think of this other couple who may not have the means, but they put their Kochos into raising a beautiful daughter who makes your son happy. Thank Hashem you have the means, and thank Him that he sent your son a wonderful life's partner and grandchildren who give you Nachas.

I don't mean you here....I'm talking to couples in this situation.

amother

Caramel

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 11:02 am

amother OP wrote:

yes but I would rather have a dh who learns in kollel and deal with this 1 or 2x a year then have my dh go work

I’m sure you do, since as a major perk you get a fully expenses paid life in EY. Sounds pretty nice!

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 11:03 am

amother Sunflower wrote:

We actually give quite a lot, wherever we can. I'll leave it at that.

amother

↑ Charcoal ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 11:08 am

Chayalle wrote:

You sound very generous and kind. But it doesn't mean ops in laws aren't. They don't ask her anything else. And I also think we need to teach our children gratitude to those that support you. And to sacrifice for torah. Couples are being supported for years in style and they should know this is a privilege that yes, may come along with a few strings they don't love. That's life. If they don't like the arrangement they can support themselves. I bh never was supported and therefore did whatever I wanted to do. However, if my in laws supported me and all they asked was to be at their seder I would consider that pretty generous, no matter how much I wanted to be by my father. It's how I would show my appreciation and gratitude for all they do for me.

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 11:46 am

Chayalle wrote:

I disagree. If it's every single year, every single seder, it's not a small ask.

For Chayalle its not a small ask, for OP it is..let us each respect that different people have different set of values and choices. Why push our agenda on OP?

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 12:56 pm

Chayalle wrote:

There is a special place in heaven for Tzadikos like you. Now please dont interfere in OPs SB with her ILs. Your implication that OPs ILs dont truly love their kids cause they..... and your insistence that everyone has to do like you, because that is the standard you have set - doesnt shtim with Yiddishkeit as I learned it.
Wishing you all a Chag Kasher VeSameach.

chestnut

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 1:33 pm

I don't understand how anyone can say anything bad about OP's in-laws when not only do they support them year around, but also bring them home for Pesach. If they wouldn't, OP and her parents wouldn't be seeing each other every year at all!!
There should be nothing but appreciation to her in-laws.

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 1:35 pm

amother Hydrangea wrote:

I didn't CHOOSE to be selfless. Its something that was ingrained in me by my parents all through the years. They were mechanech me/us that we have to treat the other side equally even if my parents were the ones supporting us and helping us out on a disproportionate level. It was my father who drilled in to me over and over again that money comes from Hashem and is not his. I thought this was something basic, like breathing, but apparently not.

Right, OP's parents are unhappy, which is very normal in a situation like this. It's very hard to be pushed to the side just because you don't have money. It's a horrible feeling, I hope you never know from it.

OP still has a kibbud av veim obligation to BOTH sets of parents. And her children deserve a relationship with both sets of parents. I would have suggested that OP ask a Rav what to do, but nobody is asking me.

Still a choice.
You dont know my life, so you dont know what I have "known from".
I would never impose my feelings on my children or make them feel guilty for spending ( more ) time by "the other side".
I dont believe in cheshbonos. I am happy for whatever time my marrieds can give me. If it isnt "fair", I dont say a word, I smile and give bigger hugs.
I would never demand and say "You owe me, I raised you, You owe me Kibbud Horim
For the record, the chiyuv on Kibbud Horim is greater for husband parents than wifes...Ask your Rav.