Saying no to kids for selfish reasons

amother

Camellia

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 1:37 pm

I would have offered some of the lettuce, not all. And probably no on the mm. I think it's important for children to realize their parents are people too and have their own needs. I will often share my things with my kids, but I also want them to realize that I'm allowed things that are just for me.
I might have a conversation with my child about why I wanted it, and whether they felt that was fair. And possibly offer alternatives. I wanted the chocolate for myself as it's something I don't normally buy, you have plenty of your own mm. If you want, I'm happy to give you a piece when I open it.
Equally, I might suggest a different salad that I'm happy to make instead of her using up all the lettuce.

↑ MiracleMama

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

So again, I would not say no on the lettuce to my own kids, it's hard for me to have it all get used up at once on a bunch of friends though.

As far as the MM you're right, it's not that big a deal. If I was actively eating it I'd for sure have offered a piece. She saw it sitting on the counter and requested the whole bag, and had already asked me the day before for two other things I'd saved for myself from MM which I'd let her have, and I barely saved anything for myself from MM in the first place while she has bins full of stuff she likes. Again... still not the biggest deal and maybe I should have let her have it. Just wondering if/when it's ok to say no on these things.

I understand. Is this child of an age where she could be counted on to wash and check a new batch of lettuce after shabbos to make up for what she and her friends would eat? Maybe with that condition it would be ok to let them have it, and if she doesn't want the job then she'd leave the lettuce and find another food for their meal.

amother

Purple

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:24 pm

I would totally say no to both. I think it's okay for parents to have things of their own. I share plenty, but I don't have to share EVERYTHING.

(BTW a stronger light makes checking lettuce MUCH faster. Use the flashlight on your phone and halve the time it takes to check it.)

amother

Trillium

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:40 pm

amother Oleander wrote:

I’d personally resent my mother if she didn’t share things this small and simple…

And I'd respect my mother for having things that are important to her and not giving everything away

OP, I assume you do many selfless things for your daughter. It's your choice when to say no, as long as your daughter has all of her needs met and you aren't saying no to every request.
That's how I see it

amother

Mint

Thu, Mar 28 2024, 1:00 am

amother OP wrote:

It's interesting to me that many of you are saying keep the MM, share the lettuce. The MM was a food I don't buy so often because it's on the pricier side. But it's available locally and I COULD buy it- it's replaceable.

My time spent checking lettuce is not easily replaceable- it was a job I thought I'd gotten out of the way for the week and now would have to fit back in somewhere. I can't buy checked lettuce where I live and DD can't check lettuce (doesn't know how, also under bas mitzvah so no help to teach her yet...). If it was just DD wanting a portion for herself I'd say yes without hesitation. This was my entire stock that could have lasted the week getting finished in one go, it was a lot harder to say yes to. I hear the point about it being a social thing in this case. The scenario actually happened twice, once I said no and the other time I said yes and I didn't feel super great about either choice.

I guess because lettuce and salad are whole family food for a lot of us, as opposed to a special expensive chocolate that’s just for mommy.

essie14

Thu, Mar 28 2024, 6:15 am

Spending $200 on a new pair of shoes for yourself that you don't really need and not buying new shoes for your growing child = selfish
Keeping one item of MM when your kids got plenty of nosh = not selfish

Mothers are humans too, and are entitled to self care. That not selfish.

notshanarishona

Thu, Mar 28 2024, 6:59 am

Personally I wouldn’t let dd invite 6 friends if I didn’t have food to serve them but I wouldn’t want them eating what I had prepared for the family if it was an unplanned invite.
Sometimes I save good chocolate, pastries, coffee for me. I don’t think there is something wrong with that, the kids get plenty also, parents can also enjoy.

yellowroses

Thu, Mar 28 2024, 7:37 am

It is actually healthy for children to see and realize that mom and dad have wants and needs as well. Sometimes things are just for the parents. Parents give everything of themselves. This will teach them not grow up to be selfish and exploiting their parents. It teaches them boundaries.