Did you make a Bar Mitzvah and skip

amother

↑ Bluebonnet

Mon, May 16 2022, 1:14 pm

amother [ Bottlebrush ] wrote:

Nope
I dont get it. Dont want to get it. I think it is absolutely ridiculous.
Why in the world put this pressure on?
Why make this a necessity?
Especially with so many people complaining about inflation, high costs, upping community "basic norms"...???

You can do something nicer than soda and a basic cake at a shul but why the need for "regal", "top of the line", "party planner" "different caliber" to even be a part of the discussion?!?! Why?
Who are we all trying to impress and show off? I would much rather enjoy the simcha, have it nice without extremes and financial pressure and the stress of making sure it is "nice enough" to shock the neighbors.
Why or why?!?!

I don’t know why. I also don’t get it. Where I live this has become standard for a kiddush. I’m not comfortable with it either. It got to the point that if I send something over as a gift like a chocolate platter they don’t even put it out because it doesn’t match the party planners set up.
Personally I just asked a family member who is good with these things to help me set up but even that was a more fancy ordeal of renting tablecloths etc
This is why op is asking if she can get away with not making a “ladies kiddush”. I think she can and should. The main thing is to have a happy bar mitzvah boy and respectable family.

↑ watergirl

Mon, May 16 2022, 1:15 pm

amother [ Bottlebrush ] wrote:

I am going to assume the ones who do this are the ones who give massive amounts of tzedakka and pay full tuition which enables families like my own to receive tuition assistance... I TRULY do not want to think this is something every family in a community does.

YounginBP

Mon, May 16 2022, 1:27 pm

I think I will shed some light....

The lavish kiddish described by another poster is typical for bavarfin/aufruf. (not mandatory but very community and type specific) Is that a thing by non chasidism?

A baby girls kiddish, if done for women, is usually made at home. Depending on the type of chasidish you are.... some go all out... I can name some ppl on instagram if you want to check it out.
Men's kiddush, depending on crowd is either like the bar mitzva kiddish (below) or some also serve kugel, gala, liver, chulent... going all out with jerky, meat etc.

Bar Mitzva, most boys by us don't lein. They get mafter the shabbos before the birthday. Sometimes the grandparents come to that shul for davening. Some ppl give small kiddush with schnaps, platters of cake and some kichel and herring. (Depending on shul rules, takanas etc - to avoid the expensive affairs mentioned)

If served in different rooms, then automatically there is no herring for women and rather cheese cake and babka.

It is in no way meant to exclude the women. Most young women don't go to shul on a regular basis. Many ppl don't hold for eruv etc

Also - I don't know how all communities host kiddushim maybe someone can elaborate?

Feel free to chime in if I missed something.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 9:27 pm

People in my community do men only if the kiddush is in a kollel where there’s a tiny makeshift ladies section just so the mother can hear the aliyah so there’s no space for extra ladies to come, or the kiddush is in the house and the house is not big enough for both men and ladies. I’ve never seen a men’s only kiddush in a regular shul that has ladies coming for davening. I would find that very odd.

amother

Grape

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 10:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

a ladies kiddush? Did anyone mind or comment?

Yes. I did this. For a few reasons, mainly that my family doesn't live nearby. I made a huge party midweek. I wasn't interested in hosting a huge shabbos. We both come from large families, no one lives in our town.