Teenagers | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 9:50 pm

My 19 year old is constantly telling me how much I screwed up over the years as a parent. Constantly. It is very painful. She mostly mentions the fact that my husband and I don’t get along well and we fight a lot and how much it effected her. I get it. We caused damage. I validate her feelings. But she’s just so nasty about it. Plus I feel like it’s too late. We messed up anyway and even if we work on our marriage it’s too late for her. It’s just so painful to hear her complain. My kids are my everything and I’ve always felt I have been a pretty decent mother to them. And this is why it hurts so much.
I’m still trying to work on my marriage and decrease the fighting. But she’s just always so angry at me. And I don’t like that whenever I ask her a simple favor she gets upset. Like where is her hakaros hatov? I feel like I failed as a parent 😢

amother

Hyacinth

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 10:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

You didn't fail. Many more kids that age are like that than you would believe. Even my best behaved kid, in her early twenties said some unbelievably hurtful things to me. Like she really expected me to be perfect? To never make a mistake? You did not fail as a parent. This is on her, not you.
I also find that parents who are smug and say they have AMAZING relationships with their kids, were very often hands off with them, in other words, they didn't parent them very much.

amother

Stone

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 10:28 pm

Can you try to build a relationship with her now? Or is she constantly angry at you?
Can you try to go out with her once a week for something fun? Ice cream, bowling?

Teenagers don't always have a realistic view of things around them. There might be some truth to it but most parents try to do the best they can for their children.
Try to validate her feelings, doesn't mean you have to agree with everything she says.
It's hard to listen to constant criticism. I'm sorry.
It's not too late to repair your relationship!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 10:39 pm

I really appreciate your comments. They make me feel better and that I didn’t actually screw up as a parent.
Ad far as those parents who talk about their AMAZING relationship with their kids are hands off? I am a very hands on mother. Maybe being more hands off would’ve been better?? 🤷‍♀️😬

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 11:32 pm

She's a teen! I know you said she's 19 but 19 is a hard age/stage.
It is on her. And you can tell her how painful it is to keep hearing it all the time. And in a humorous way bring out that once a week is enough....

It is NEVER too late to work on your marriage. 2 of my siblings really worked at their marriage the last 4-5 years and things have inproved tremendously to the point that I see it. And I even see the effects on my 20-30 year old nieces and nephew's!!!!
As long as you're alive. It isn't too late.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 11:34 pm

amother Firebrick wrote:

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Feb 27 2024, 12:12 am

Sounds like she didn’t feel her home environment was stable growing up. If she was truly traumatized by that, her behavior is normal. She’s going to keep bringing it up until she processes it, and that can take years. You admit that your marriage has been an issue, so it sounds like she has what to complain about, no matter how painful to you. That doesn’t mean she won’t mellow out eventually.

Were I you, I’d do the following:

1) realize that she has valid complaints
2) excuse yourself when the complaints get too much, but not in a defensive manner
3) understand that her anger will completely smother any gratefulness if she’s in trauma mode
4) offer to go to a family therapist with her. Marriage is not the only relationship that requires work
5) avoid asking her for favors. She’s not in a place to give than without resentment.

Good luck!

amother

Blueberry

Tue, Feb 27 2024, 12:17 am

I feel like all teens / young adults go thru a stage of pointing out everything their parents did wrong when they were growing up. Young adults are generally very opinionated and idealistic. They haven't experienced real life yet and things are very black and white. It's not necessarily that they're wrong, it's more that they're expecting perfection when that's not the way we human are. They will not be perfect parents either. They just don't know it yet.