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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
amother
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 Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:16 pm
My husbands brother recently got married. Since we live near my in laws and have a large guest suite they’ve been sleeping by us when they spend Shabbos with my in laws.
We give them a key and they come and go as they please.
Something that’s been happening since they started staying is that they stay in their room the entire time and we only see them when they come and go. Even when my brother in law is davening shachris in the morning, his wife stays in her room and only comes out to get a drink. She even eats breakfast in her room. When he gets back from Shul they leave to my in laws together.
It doesn’t bother me in the slightest since I’m busy with my babies all morning anyway. I did my best to make them feel comfortable and told them to feel free to help themselves to anything from the fridge. Is this typical for some newlyweds or could I have somehow made them uncomfortable?
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amother
Brickred
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:18 pm
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How newlywed are these newlyweds?
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amother
Crimson
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:19 pm
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I’m like this too. I have social anxiety. But maybe she’s pregnant and really not feeling well.
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amother
Topaz
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:20 pm
We don't know what's going on. We could make guesses but there's no way of knowing if we're right.
Why doesn't your husband ask his brother if everything is ok.
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:20 pm
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it is interesting but it's ok.
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:21 pm
Don’t want to give exact numbers for anonymity Married less than 6 months
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DREAMING
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:21 pm
She brings food or takes it back to her room?
It can simply mean she’s shy. Or likes to sleep in.
If you’d like to spend time together Maybe next time invite them for an oneg after one of the meals. (Fruit, nuts, popcorn….) or for shalosh seudah
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:22 pm
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could be shes pregnant and not feeling well. When I was pregnant I couldn't get out of bed much. I would always be throwing up.
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:22 pm
| amother Crimson wrote: | | I’m like this too. I have social anxiety. But maybe she’s pregnant and really not feeling well. |
It’s been happening since two weeks after their wedding so probably not
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:24 pm
She's not comfortable, your the other "inlaw" not even her husband's sister.
Do you have any relationship with her outside her staying by you? Do you text her? Talk to her? Do you invite her to join you specifically?
Does your BIL hang out with your husband?
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:24 pm
| DREAMING wrote: | She brings food or takes it back to her room?
It can simply mean she’s shy. Or likes to sleep in.
If you’d like to spend time together Maybe next time invite them for an oneg after one of the meals. (Fruit, nuts, popcorn….) or for shalosh seudah |
She brings food from home
When I take out their garbage after Shabbos it’s full of nosh wrappers and plastic plates etc
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:27 pm
| DREAMING wrote: | She brings food or takes it back to her room?
It can simply mean she’s shy. Or likes to sleep in.
If you’d like to spend time together Maybe next time invite them for an oneg after one of the meals. (Fruit, nuts, popcorn….) or for shalosh seudah |
We’re usually chilling on the couch and playing with the kids when they get back from the shabbos night meal, my kids go up to them and say hi they know they’re invited to join!
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:29 pm
| amother Clover wrote: | She's not comfortable, your the other "inlaw" not even her husband's sister.
Do you have any relationship with her outside her staying by you? Do you text her? Talk to her? Do you invite her to join you specifically?
Does your BIL hang out with your husband? |
My husband isn’t so close to him
I don’t really talk to her when I don’t see her but I had a baby by their wedding so life was very hectic when she joined the family
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:30 pm
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it took me years to feel comfortable with my sisters/brother in laws.
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amother
Melon
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:30 pm
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I don't think it's so strange. They are in your area to spend shabbos by your inlaws. They probably don't wanna intrude on your shabbos all the time. You can tell them- Feel free to join us in the living room or in the kitchen for coffee. You're welcome to hang out wherever.
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:31 pm
| amother Crimson wrote: | | I’m like this too. I have social anxiety. But maybe she’s pregnant and really not feeling well. |
Oy! If that’s the case is there anything that can be done?
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anonymous mom
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:32 pm
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Honestly sounds very off to me. I hope they're OK and happy together.
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:34 pm
| amother Melon wrote: | | I don't think it's so strange. They are in your area to spend shabbos by your inlaws. They probably don't wanna intrude on your shabbos all the time. You can tell them- Feel free to join us in the living room or in the kitchen for coffee. You're welcome to hang out wherever. |
We’ve told them! I leave out coffee supplies and cake every time just for them
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amother
Peachpuff
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:35 pm
She’s newly married, she’s feeling awkward around you. She doesn’t have a baby or toddler to cushion the social situation, she’s self conscious of standing in the wrong place, sitting on your couch, knowing what to say to you…
It’s on you to reach out during the week and cultivate a relationship with her so that slowly slowly she’ll be comfortable in your home
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:35 pm
Unusual but not precisely strange. Newlywed, self-conscious, paranoid that you're counting on your fingers calculating what they may or may not be doing, probably shy, and/or trying to be as unobtrusive as possible and interfering with your activities as little as possible...after all, they're visiting your in-laws, not you.
Maybe approach her when they arrive and tell her kindly that there's no need to sequester in their room because they're welcome guests and you look forward to becoming better acquainted. They may still be in that stage of wishing the world would go away and leave them both alone together, in which case she won't change her behavior yet. Or she may be very shy and terrified of being a nuisance, in which case indicating a desire to interact with her may persuade her to come out of the closet, so to speak. Or she may be a snooty so and so who has no interest in anyone outside her own personal social circle and is deigning to visit the inlaws only because her dh is forcing the connection. Absolutely anything is possible.
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