Kvatter | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 7:14 am

So I know there’s not really a source for it being a segulah to have kids. Still, people seem to associate it with that.
Does anyone know if you can give kvatter to an engaged couple? Is it super weird? I think they would feel good.

peace2 ↓

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 7:16 am

I think you can do whatever you want. It's a segulah for bracha for the people doing it. People are generally moving away from giving it to couples without kids because they're aware of the pain it can cause. If they would appreciate it, then go for it!

MommyM

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 7:30 am

I would ask a Rav before giving it to an engaged couple. It may not be considered appropriate tznius wise, since they're not married yet.

stayAwake

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 7:32 am

It's a big kavod, which is given to a married couple.
We gave it to my in-laws.

We did it twice for close friend/family before my baby was born.

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 7:33 am

amother Navy wrote:

There's an issue if they are shomer

Why? You can pass things when you’re engaged.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 7:35 am

We actually gave it to DHs parents for one and grandparents for the other (in the grandparents case it was to avoid giving said grandfather Sandek as he isn't Frum and DH felt strongly that Sandek should be Frum). For the 3rd we gave to a newlywed couple friends of ours, but we offered it as a no pressure kind of thing.

FWIW DH and I were Sandek when my aunt made a Bris and DS was born exactly 9 months later.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:09 am

I did it when I was single. SIL gave the baby to me and I gave the baby to my brother. They wanted it to be a segula for me to get married.

amother

Oleander

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:11 am

We got it when we were engaged, from dh's brother and sis in law, just a few weeks before our wedding. We were very touched they chose us. we passed the baby, no touching each other needed, the baby is on a pillow.

Anyway, it didn't help segulah-wise, as we have infertility and didn't have our first kid for almost 3 years, but I was glad they offered it. Certainly less awkward than all the times we were asked during infertility when it was obvious to everyone that we 'needed the segulah' (though of course we were touched to be asked then too, I just didn't always want to do it).

amother

Olive

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:23 am

amother Lavender wrote:

I did it when I was single. SIL gave the baby to me and I gave the baby to my brother. They wanted it to be a segula for me to get married.

Same

amother

Gardenia ↓

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 9:02 am

I was at a bris recently where the mother of the baby was kvatter with her (single) brother. I thought it was such a beautiful way to honor him at the Simcha.

At my son's bris, we gave kvatter to my grandmother and cousin (my grandfather is no longer alive, and we couldn't name for him because of shared names in the family, so we gave my grandmother kvatter as a way of honoring my grandfather A"H).

Anecdotally, I was at a bris where the kavtter didn't directly pass the baby to each other. There was a large chair at the mechitza, and the woman put down the baby on the chair, and the man picked him up and carried him into the men's section. I was told this is standard practice in that community to avoid issues in case the kvatter is niddah.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 11:30 am

amother Navy wrote:

There's an issue if they are shomer

And they will still be shomer if they PASS the baby to each other. They wont be touching each other. There is no issue.

amother

Honey

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 11:36 am

You can give kvater to anyone except a couple in niddah. Chosson and kallah are not a couple in niddah.

Even a single person or younger child can do it.

My 10yo grandmother was kvatter for her baby brother back in europe.

It doesn't matter what is commonly done. You can do whatever you please

simcha12plus

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 11:43 am

My husband and I were kvatter when we were engaged.
We were certainly shomer negiah.
We were told them that it is an old minhag to give it to chosson and kallah.

We were kvatter also once after we were married. We already had a baby, it was more of a kavod than a Segulah (though it certainly could have been a segulah. We have more children since then.)

↑ peace2 ↓

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 11:45 am

amother Honey wrote:

Why can't a couple in niddah do it? They can put the baby down on a table or chair. They might not want to but I don't know why they couldn't