I learnt my lesson NEVER to...

kenz

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 9:06 pm

amother Darkblue wrote:

Sorry I don't agree with some of them!!
If someone is talking about their kids you can ask how many kids they have !! And if someone's child is engaged you're allowed to ask when the wedding is!! You can ask how old the oldest is so what if they're not frum or in rehab?!?

Because then the next question is inevitably about what they’re looking for in shidduchim and it’s very painful.

writinggirl ↓

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:12 pm

I don’t understand why people would even need to know exactly how many kids someone has. Like it’s not a question I ever asked and ever care to know. You can usually get a feel from someone if they have a lot vs a few kids. Why is the exact number important?

Tao ↓

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:13 pm

I had this argument with a teacher of mine back in highschool. She was saying all the things you shoudl never ask someone, bceause you never know what can trigger them. I said, "SO basically when I meet someone, I should ask "How's the weather?" " I mean, you literally can't ask ANYTHING, since you never know what people are going through. I'm sorry, but to someone who is talking about their kids, asking "How many kids do you have?" is a perfectly normal question. (Don't even get me started on people who don't answer this because of some kind of ayin hara thing.)
If you can commit to literally parve conversation about nothing with everyone you meet, then great. You do you.

↑ writinggirl ↓

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:17 pm

Tao wrote:

But why does it interest you to know exactly how many kids someone has? Like what’s the significance of 4 vs 6? I don’t understand.

↑ Tao ↓

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:20 pm

Examples of things that are perfectly normal questions but can trigger people:
"I love your skirt! Where did you get it?" - don't say this. What if she can't afford to buy skirts and had to get it at a gemach and she's emabrrassed?
"What are you making for supper tonight?" Maybe she can't afford more than plain pasta, and she could be embarrassed?
"Where are you taking the kids tomorrow?" Maybe her kids are desperate to go to a theme park and it's a sore point that they have to go to a regular park, again?
"Did you ever listen to Rabbi X? I love his shiurim!" Maybe it's a sore point for her that she doesn't listen to enough shiurim and she wishes she did?

(I am being sarcastic. All of the above are perfectly normal things to say. I'm tryig to point out how literally anything at all can trigger someone. Even how's the weather - what if she has SAD? Lol. Just be normal. Don't ask people's bank balance or sx positions, and you're fine.)

↑ Tao ↓

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:21 pm

writinggirl wrote:

But why does it interest you to know exactly how many kids someone has? Like what’s the significance of 4 vs 6? I don’t understand.

Stam, it's just a normal thing to say. Like I don't need to know, but technically I don't really need to know anything, so I guess I could just ignore everyone?

amother

Babypink

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:24 pm

We can’t walk on egg shells for the rest of our lives. It’s perfectly normal to ask someone in Aishes Chayil how many children she has. It’s normal to ask someone who has a shidduch age child what they’re looking for. Sometimes when we’re in difficult situations, questions and comments hurt. But that’s life. I would suggest to prepare ahead of time for possible question and how to respond best.
This is from someone who has lost three babies and a host of other issues…

chanatron1000

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:30 pm

writinggirl wrote:

But why does it interest you to know exactly how many kids someone has? Like what’s the significance of 4 vs 6? I don’t understand.

The difference between 4 and 6 is the existence of two people who are very relevant to someone's life. When people get to know each other, they inevitably have to cover some topics that can be sensitive.

amother

Firethorn

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

Put lysol wipes in the toilet. Sometimes all you need is one fail to never do something again.

What lesson of yours can everyone here learn from?

Talk abt my dh to others.

anonymrs

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:34 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Never use color catchers. Clogged my washing machine and costed a lot to fix.

I did this too! I still use color catcher but I put it in a mesh bag before putting it into the machine.

↑ writinggirl

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:42 pm

chanatron1000 wrote:

Okay if you’re getting to know someone intimately that’s different. Like if you’re getting to know a new coworker who you work closely with, then it can be normal for her to tell you about losses. But I wouldn’t ask that to a lady I’m chatting with at shul. (I don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone this anyways, I think I just eventually figure it out from our conversations or I may ask someone who I’m getting to know well to go through her family.)

↑ zaq

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:53 pm

Just as you have a responsibility to try to avoid saying things that may hurt another person, that other person has an equal responsibility not to take offense where clearly no offense is meant. Penina needling Chana by asking her about her children when she knows full well that Chana is childless is one thing; Chana couldn't help being hurt because Penina meant to cause her pain. OTOH, asking you how old is your child is a perfectly innocuous question to ask if someone is already talking about her children. Many people would consider it a sign of lack of interest if you didn't ask something along those lines.

↑ dankbar

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:58 pm

I once heard that part of going thru the nisoyon is also to deal with people's comments.
I have had some life challenges where people asked innocent questions, but I didn't fault them, as they didn't know.

amother

Nemesia

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 11:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

Put lysol wipes in the toilet. Sometimes all you need is one fail to never do something again.

What lesson of yours can everyone here learn from?

Never ask someone when they are due.
Never comment on a pregnancy until the person themselves brings it up and is interested in discussing it. This goes for every time you see/ speak to them. Have heard way too many sad stories

TravelHearter

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 11:32 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Never use color catchers. Clogged my washing machine and costed a lot to fix.

I’ve been using them for 5 years with no problems. What’s the issue?