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Forum
-> Yom Tov / Holidays
-> Chanukah
dena613
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 Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:55 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I usually serve supper before my husband lights. Then when my husband lights he likes it to be a serious time. But the kids want to sing and dance. Wwyd? I used to dance with my kids while my husband said his things. This year he said no singing/dancing till after the first half hour. But that means I have nothing to do with my kids and also after that half hour is usually bedtime already...
Wondering if your husband sings/dances with your kids or is that my shtik? |
What does your husband abt to happen?
Everyone should sit on the couch and daven, learn, or meditate?
Ideally, the father should sing and dance with his children!
Give them a positive feeling toward the mitzvz and happy memories
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amother
Antiquewhite
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 12:14 am
Prepares kids menorah and they light after him
Sings a little. Kids hang around and go to close to flames.
Today I fed the 1 year old.
Others days I left them with him and went to get dressed.
It's like a shabbos sueda. Sure it's holy but kids and kids.
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teachkids
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 2:16 am
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I put the baby to bed while my husband gives the kids the dinner I prepared. We bring their little table into the living room on chanukah and they get to eat in front of the menorah
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Iymnok
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 2:34 am
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We sing Maoz Tzur together then pass out a chocolate coin each, then dance to some variation of Al Hanissim.
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imaima
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 3:17 am
| amother OP wrote: | I usually serve supper before my husband lights. Then when my husband lights he likes it to be a serious time. But the kids want to sing and dance. Wwyd? I used to dance with my kids while my husband said his things. This year he said no singing/dancing till after the first half hour. But that means I have nothing to do with my kids and also after that half hour is usually bedtime already...
Wondering if your husband sings/dances with your kids or is that my shtik? |
He is being unrealistic, talk to a rav.
Life doesn’t stop because he lit the candles
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Brit in Israel
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 3:49 am
My oldest is 6,
We light at Shkiya so in Israel it's approx 4.40ish, after DH and DS lights we all sing and dance whilst singing Moat tzur and kids get a lightning treat -choc coin / Chanuka candies, then it's either gift, donut, dreidel game or activity like Chanuka puzzle. Most times by then it's way pass 30 mins.
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Mayflower
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 4:33 am
I can't imagine why one wouldn't be allowed to sing and dance? Sounds so strict and the opposite of the joyfulness that Chanukah is supposed to spread... OP, what does your DH suggest you do with the kids after lighting?
I always make sure to finish cooking before lighting, I didn't know we were allowed to cook in the first half hour.
After lighting, we sing, play, dance and eat.
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shabbatiscoming
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 5:12 am
Interesting. Bdavka?
I learned one can not eat before one lights.
Growing up, we lit and then ate dinner.
We do it the same way now. And we enjoy the candles while we eat as well.
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amother
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 7:52 am
| shabbatiscoming wrote: | Interesting. Bdavka?
I learned one can not eat before one lights.
Growing up, we lit and then ate dinner.
We do it the same way now. And we enjoy the candles while we eat as well. |
This. We are all hungry by the time DH lights since we don’t eat before Chanuka lecht. So as soon as the lighting and singing is over we sit down in the same room where the Chanuka lecht are and we all eat dinner including DH.
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amother
Opal
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 8:10 am
| amother Pink wrote: | | So interesting. I thought it was the norm for everyone to serve the doughnuts or other special Chanukah treats during that time. We sing (sometimes with a little dancing) and then eat. Sometimes play dreidel or other games. |
People eat all the treats before dinner?
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amother
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 11:04 am
| imaima wrote: | He is being unrealistic, talk to a rav.
Life doesn’t stop because he lit the candles |
That was what my question was about I guess...
Yesterday I put on maoz tzur music with my kids and was dancing in a circle with them. We were all happy (and I also find dancing very uplifting). He got up from his "station" at the menora, grabbed the music player, and put it outside my house.
I was caught off guard. Upset.
But I didn't want the kids to get what just happened so I just brought everyone to the kitchen and gave each of them a chanukah chocolate. Did bedtime.
I was left feeling horrible- like maybe I was "disrespectful" to my husband by playing music?
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amother
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 11:08 am
| Mayflower wrote: | I can't imagine why one wouldn't be allowed to sing and dance? Sounds so strict and the opposite of the joyfulness that Chanukah is supposed to spread... OP, what does your DH suggest you do with the kids after lighting?
I always make sure to finish cooking before lighting, I didn't know we were allowed to cook in the first half hour.
After lighting, we sing, play, dance and eat. |
Yup. That's how I feel too..
Unfortunately since I got married I've been experiencing the "rebelious teen" feelings. I try to make every yom tov happy, fun and exciting. But with my husband I literally started to dread it. Now I try at least to make a good experience for my children. He's making it harder for me to that too.
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scintilla
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 11:09 am
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I'm so sorry op. Does this happen in other ways? Can't imagine why he wouldn't want you to make it fun for your kids. Taking the music player away is a pretty strong step.
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amother
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 11:10 am
| amother OP wrote: | That was what my question was about I guess...
Yesterday I put on maoz tzur music with my kids and was dancing in a circle with them. We were all happy (and I also find dancing very uplifting). He got up from his "station" at the menora, grabbed the music player, and put it outside my house.
I was caught off guard. Upset.
But I didn't want the kids to get what just happened so I just brought everyone to the kitchen and gave each of them a chanukah chocolate. Did bedtime.
I was left feeling horrible- like maybe I was "disrespectful" to my husband by playing music? |
Sounds like there are more issues at play here . We are only getting a tiny snippet here. I’m sorry that you are subjected to this type of behavior.
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amother
Plum
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 11:11 am
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OP this sounds a little more than just about the chanuka half hour. Is he overly strict about random things and controlling in general?
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amother
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 11:19 am
| amother Plum wrote: | | OP this sounds a little more than just about the chanuka half hour. Is he overly strict about random things and controlling in general? |
Yes he is. I agree it is a global issue.
However as things happen day to day I have to reality check on what really is an issue and what is me overthinking things. Do you understand what I mean?
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amother
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 11:23 am
Op sending you so much Hanukkah strength and light. Tonight is the 8th night so it’s a good night to doven for miracles and yeshuos.
I personally think husbands and marriages can be complicated and individual. Therefore I think sometimes threads like this can be more damaging than good in the sense that all of us strangers, who only know a small bit of info from your post, are jumping to conclusions and saying how your husband isn’t acting right, etc. Then you often feel even worse, so how is that helping?
I am sure you have supports whether therapist, marriage book, friends, marriage courses, because the way you acted by minimising what the kids noticed and continuing to enjoy is something only a Malach could do or someone who is internally really trying to work on her marriage.
If it’s any help, we are both Bt and I think because of that, my husband has seemed extreme on a lot of things Judaism wise. Like because he’s BT maybe he takes things literally or he didn’t learn it properly, or he’s afraid to be lenient, etc. I’m not saying it always happens but I think with time he has started to see/accept reality and have to face that with Judaism.
Like he used to be extremely strict also in the first 30 min no talking, singing, etc. I shouldn’t work, etc. At some point with little kids it got unbearable and I’m not sure if it came from me, our daughter, or his realization but this strong stance has Bh started to erode, each year a little more, he’s a little softer a little more generous. He still won’t help w the childcare during that time, but I’ve left the room to put a kid in bed, or I’ve started bedtime if I see he isn’t ready to light yet, as opposed to years earlier where I would wait and wait and the kids would be unruly.
Look for what he is giving. Look for the light, brocha, and miracles in your little situation which is undoubtedly different from others that you know. But this is your life, so embrace it and celebrate it, and it’s ok to acknowledge the hardships and address them/doven for them to change.
Hatzlacha raba
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imaima
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 11:44 am
| amother OP wrote: | Yup. That's how I feel too..
Unfortunately since I got married I've been experiencing the "rebelious teen" feelings. I try to make every yom tov happy, fun and exciting. But with my husband I literally started to dread it. Now I try at least to make a good experience for my children. He's making it harder for me to that too. |
Talk tp a rav
You are doing the right thing
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amother
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 11:45 am
| amother Currant wrote: | Op sending you so much Hanukkah strength and light. Tonight is the 8th night so it’s a good night to doven for miracles and yeshuos.
I personally think husbands and marriages can be complicated and individual. Therefore I think sometimes threads like this can be more damaging than good in the sense that all of us strangers, who only know a small bit of info from your post, are jumping to conclusions and saying how your husband isn’t acting right, etc. Then you often feel even worse, so how is that helping?
I am sure you have supports whether therapist, marriage book, friends, marriage courses, because the way you acted by minimising what the kids noticed and continuing to enjoy is something only a Malach could do or someone who is internally really trying to work on her marriage.
If it’s any help, we are both Bt and I think because of that, my husband has seemed extreme on a lot of things Judaism wise. Like because he’s BT maybe he takes things literally or he didn’t learn it properly, or he’s afraid to be lenient, etc. I’m not saying it always happens but I think with time he has started to see/accept reality and have to face that with Judaism.
Like he used to be extremely strict also in the first 30 min no talking, singing, etc. I shouldn’t work, etc. At some point with little kids it got unbearable and I’m not sure if it came from me, our daughter, or his realization but this strong stance has Bh started to erode, each year a little more, he’s a little softer a little more generous. He still won’t help w the childcare during that time, but I’ve left the room to put a kid in bed, or I’ve started bedtime if I see he isn’t ready to light yet, as opposed to years earlier where I would wait and wait and the kids would be unruly.
Look for what he is giving. Look for the light, brocha, and miracles in your little situation which is undoubtedly different from others that you know. But this is your life, so embrace it and celebrate it, and it’s ok to acknowledge the hardships and address them/doven for them to change.
Hatzlacha raba |
Wow. Thank you for this. I appreciate the time you spent to write this response. Sensible, wise advise, while still be supportive and validating. You really really spoke to my heart.
I agree with you that sometimes such posts can make things worse, on the other hand it can be validating and help me understand MYSELF, like, I judge myself for getting upset. Yes, I did minimize the situation, and even decided not to "discuss" it with my husband (because he wouldn't bend anyway), but I still felt such judgement on myself. I beat myself up- how dare I think that it's time to be loud and fun now? I hate my personality- why did you think you should make things fun just when your husband needs to concentrate.
And if I don't check in with others I really don't have a way to find solace within myself.
As far as therapists go, just saying I have had the feeling many times that the therapist makes it worse. They validate but also try to stick up for me and just gets me more riled up.
THe only thing that works is to accept it.
The thing is I still need that validation or I lose myself.
Thanks again and I appreciate your words!
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amother
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Thu, Dec 14 2023, 12:12 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Wow. Thank you for this. I appreciate the time you spent to write this response. Sensible, wise advise, while still be supportive and validating. You really really spoke to my heart.
I agree with you that sometimes such posts can make things worse, on the other hand it can be validating and help me understand MYSELF, like, I judge myself for getting upset. Yes, I did minimize the situation, and even decided not to "discuss" it with my husband (because he wouldn't bend anyway), but I still felt such judgement on myself. I beat myself up- how dare I think that it's time to be loud and fun now? I hate my personality- why did you think you should make things fun just when your husband needs to concentrate.
And if I don't check in with others I really don't have a way to find solace within myself.
As far as therapists go, just saying I have had the feeling many times that the therapist makes it worse. They validate but also try to stick up for me and just gets me more riled up.
THe only thing that works is to accept it.
The thing is I still need that validation or I lose myself.
Thanks again and I appreciate your words! |
Sure OP, you write very eloquently.
I agree on your point about therapists, I’ve had experiences where yes they can be more alarmists than even I am when something is not what I like in my marriage.
I would highly recommend coaching programs, like Rebbetzin Wachsmans phone line, Dina Friedman courses, etc.
I think also there’s a lot of support in Jewish marriages (that’s been my experience) where people work on things and work things through. When seeing a therapist just through my insurance I think the commitment aspect and working on it premise was not as strong, marriages are more disposable was the attitude.
Regardless it sounds like there is some good there as well and I wish you lots of success highlighting that good. May you have so much Bracha finding the right avenues and supports to help you navigate things for success.
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