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-> Parenting our children
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amother
Navy
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 Wed, Dec 13 2023, 1:07 am
This looks great. Thanks for recommending. I don’t have the time to read it now, but hope to be able to get to it soon. If you can, share if it’s helped you. Looking forward to learning.
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LovesHashem
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 1:20 am
| amother OP wrote: | What does neurodivergent mean?
She sees a therapist. |
ADHD or autism
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amother
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 1:55 am
She's taking her messages from you. You can't deal with her feelings and she can't deal with yours. She's getting the impression that strong feelings are bad.
She's crying. That's fine. She did something wrong. Let her cry.
Go and sit next to her and project the feeling that it's ok to cry. You're ok with her strong feelings. Accept them. Let them be. When you accept her feelings, she won't get so anxious about feeling them. You shouldn't want to kick a child out because of their feelings. You must learn to be ok with strong feelings.
If you aren't I would recommend that you go for therapy to learn how to hold her feelings without falling apart.
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flmommy
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 5:27 am
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Besides sensing you are annoyed whatever transgression she made is there a consequence? Does she also lose a privilege? Or what she did wrong isn’t so bad?
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Success10
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 5:42 am
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Sounds like a technology thing, like mom said don't go on tiktok or something like that. It's a real yetzer hara. She's just a highly emotional kid. Best is if you can remove the temptation for the prohibited "thing". Like blocking the internet or just that site (if that's the issue).
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amother
Tuberose
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 8:02 am
| Success10 wrote: | | Sounds like a technology thing, like mom said don't go on tiktok or something like that. It's a real yetzer hara. She's just a highly emotional kid. Best is if you can remove the temptation for the prohibited "thing". Like blocking the internet or just that site (if that's the issue). |
Was thinking this as well. If it's too hard for her to control herself, it might be best to just remove the temptation.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 8:24 am
| amother Chartreuse wrote: | Let's explore why you can't handle her crying. If it's simply the noise, put on headphones. But raising children is noisy business. So I doubt that's all.
What parts of you get triggered when you hear her crying? What parts of you are saying you've got to make it all okay and can't let her cry? Why does it bother you so, why must she stop?
I'm not criticizing at all. I'm just trying to show you a different perspective. Because I can't quite put my finger on it, but there seems to be a common thread between her reaction to your feelings and your reaction to her feelings. I'm wondering if you could figure out what it is if that could help you move forward. |
I know raising children is a noisy business. We live in a small apartment and her loud cries, hiccups and coughs wakes everyone up and bothers the ones that are not sleeping.
You’re asking what parts gets triggered? I used to fake cry to get my mother’s attention but she would still ignore me. I don’t want to ignore my daughter but I also don’t want to feed the negative behavior. She gets more than enough attention from positive behavior.
Also, If I don’t address it she can go on for hours.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 8:26 am
| amother Dill wrote: | She's taking her messages from you. You can't deal with her feelings and she can't deal with yours. She's getting the impression that strong feelings are bad.
She's crying. That's fine. She did something wrong. Let her cry.
Go and sit next to her and project the feeling that it's ok to cry. You're ok with her strong feelings. Accept them. Let them be. When you accept her feelings, she won't get so anxious about feeling them. You shouldn't want to kick a child out because of their feelings. You must learn to be ok with strong feelings.
If you aren't I would recommend that you go for therapy to learn how to hold her feelings without falling apart. |
Can you give me an example of what projecting the feeling looks like?
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amother
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 8:28 am
| flmommy wrote: | | Besides sensing you are annoyed whatever transgression she made is there a consequence? Does she also lose a privilege? Or what she did wrong isn’t so bad? |
Sometimes there is. It doesn’t seem to make a difference.
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Success10
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 8:28 am
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She seems to have a manipulative streak and she knows exactly how to trigger you. So I'm not necessarily saying to ignore but as others have said, try to address your triggers and learn to separate her sobbing from your own experiences.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 8:28 am
| Success10 wrote: | | Sounds like a technology thing, like mom said don't go on tiktok or something like that. It's a real yetzer hara. She's just a highly emotional kid. Best is if you can remove the temptation for the prohibited "thing". Like blocking the internet or just that site (if that's the issue). |
It is a technology thing. But this happens with other behaviors as well. Not only technology related.
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Success10
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 8:31 am
| amother OP wrote: | | It is a technology thing. But this happens with other behaviors as well. Not only technology related. |
She's impulsive. Emotional. A good person at heart. She's in therapy, hopefully that will help. Maybe an adolescent add coach?
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amother
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 8:31 am
| Success10 wrote: | | She seems to have a manipulative streak and she knows exactly how to trigger you. So I'm not necessarily saying to ignore but as others have said, try to address your triggers and learn to separate her sobbing from your own experiences. |
You seem very knowledgeable and levelheaded. I really appreciate your input.
I don’t feel like I’m associating her actions with my trauma. How would a “healthy” mom react to such a scenario? That’s my question.
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Success10
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 8:44 am
| amother OP wrote: | You seem very knowledgeable and levelheaded. I really appreciate your input.
I don’t feel like I’m associating her actions with my trauma. How would a “healthy” mom react to such a scenario? That’s my question. |
I have no idea. Dealing with it on a more subtle level than you are. And not an expert in healthy mom behaviors at all....so I don't have great advice. Just a good analysis of the situation.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 9:00 am
| amother OP wrote: | | Can you give me an example of what projecting the feeling looks like? |
Sit with her but you should be relaxed, not tense, not feeling fed up, or angry or frustrated. Just sit, feel the message that it's okay to cry. It's not about what you do, it's about giving her the feeling that it's okay. You'll see that when she sees it's ok, she'll stop doing it.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 9:05 am
| amother OP wrote: | You seem very knowledgeable and levelheaded. I really appreciate your input.
I don’t feel like I’m associating her actions with my trauma. How would a “healthy” mom react to such a scenario? That’s my question. |
It's extreme to feel that her crying triggers you until you want to throw her out. It shouldn't be knocking you off balance. A healthy mom would feel bad for her daughter but wouldn't make it about herself. It seems that her crying makes you feel incompetent/triggered/anxious. You should be able to separate and feel that she's crying, that's true, and that's fine - but it has nothing to do with you. She did something wrong and it's good she realizes that. When she feels that you are not triggered by her crying, she'll stop with it.
Think about it - she is in the wrong, then she cries, and you get angry. By you getting angry, now you're in the wrong and she can maneuver herself into the place of the nebach victim with the overreacting mother. Now she's in the right. So she feels better.
Don't let her maneuver herself into that place. Let her feed bad but don't get upset over it. Let her stay in the wrong.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 9:56 am
| amother Dill wrote: | It's extreme to feel that her crying triggers you until you want to throw her out. It shouldn't be knocking you off balance. A healthy mom would feel bad for her daughter but wouldn't make it about herself. It seems that her crying makes you feel incompetent/triggered/anxious. You should be able to separate and feel that she's crying, that's true, and that's fine - but it has nothing to do with you. She did something wrong and it's good she realizes that. When she feels that you are not triggered by her crying, she'll stop with it.
Think about it - she is in the wrong, then she cries, and you get angry. By you getting angry, now you're in the wrong and she can maneuver herself into the place of the nebach victim with the overreacting mother. Now she's in the right. So she feels better.
Don't let her maneuver herself into that place. Let her feed bad but don't get upset over it. Let her stay in the wrong. |
The feeling of “wanting to kick her out” is coming from exasperation. It’s evening, I’d love some peace and quiet.
It definitely makes me feel incompetent. This is why I posted here. What is the right way to approach it? How would you address it? Your dd is crying very loudly. How long will you let it go on for? Would you eventually approach her? What would you say? Would you completely ignore it? She’s also bothering the other kids and that’s not ok. They’re young and they need their sleep. They can’t be kept up by her crying till 10-11.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 9:59 am
| amother OP wrote: | The feeling of “wanting to kick her out” is coming from exasperation. It’s evening, I’d love some peace and quiet.
It definitely makes me feel incompetent. This is why I posted here. What is the right way to approach it? How would you address it? Your dd is crying very loudly. How long will you let it go on for? Would you eventually approach her? What would you say? Would you completely ignore it? She’s also bothering the other kids and that’s not ok. They’re young and they need their sleep. They can’t be kept up by her crying till 10-11. |
If she's disturbing the other kids, I would tell her she has to stop. If there's a noise rule for after a certain hour at night, you can mention that. You can tell her you're available to talk if she needs you, but she has to stop crying loudly and disturbing everyone.
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amother
DarkCyan
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 10:13 am
| amother Daisy wrote: | | If she's disturbing the other kids, I would tell her she has to stop. If there's a noise rule for after a certain hour at night, you can mention that. You can tell her you're available to talk if she needs you, but she has to stop crying loudly and disturbing everyone. |
Is this a joke? Tell her and poof! That will take care of the issue?! Youve got to be kidding. This is really really really not helpful and really really really clueless. And that's being nice.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 13 2023, 10:15 am
I’d rather address the root cause of the crying than the noise only.
I wish I would know how.
Yes. She’s in therapy. But it takes time. I’ve seen tremendous progress and change bh but until we address this I need help how to work on this with her.
I’ve been to therapy myself for many many years. Either I never went to the right one or nothing prepares you for preteens.
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