"Wine is always appreciated, but no need to bring anything"?

↑ singleagain ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

I could have the situation where I say "nothing please just bring yourself" and that's the end of the convo and someone brings something other than wine bc they don't want to feel like they're going empty handed...

(Of course, as I said before, someone could just not even ask if they can bring anything and could still bring something I don't want to have to serve...)

Is it the same guests that you find will do this?

zaq ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:22 pm

You're doing fine, OP. No need to change what you're doing. You suggest wine for people who don't believe in arriving empty-handed, while saying nothing is necessary for the benefit of those who don't mind arriving empty-handed and asked just to be polite.

amother

Junglegreen

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

People usually ask me if they can bring anything or what can they bring. My meals are complete and coordinated and I don't really want or need someone else bringing food. I usually say something like "Wine is always appreciated, but no need to bring anything." Is that polite/okay?

Sounds great to me! You can't please everyone so I just keep it simple. I also like giving people option to not bring anything so I could see myself saying just this.

amother

Bottlebrush

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:04 pm

Just be honest. If you could do with another salad/desert but havent gotten around to it, just say so - "a salad would be appreciated" If you dont want/need to serve their food, say that they should just bring themselves. If you dont drink wine, perhaps they will, so let them bring that.

amother

Bluebell ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:17 pm

To me this phrasing feels like you want the wine but you don’t want to look greedy, so you’re adding that they don’t need anything. If you said no need to bring anything, but wine is always appreciated, that has a different feel.

But reading through the thread it sounds like you’re determined to do this so I don’t know why you are asking, unless you’re just looking for validation.

lamplighter ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:21 pm

When someone asks what can I bring they are asking how they can contribute to the meal. In which case your answer is nothing just bring yourself, because you don't want help with the meal.
Bringing wine or flowers or candy platter is a gift and should not be requested. If they bring it great if not not. I wouldn't ask people to bring wine.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:26 pm

lamplighter wrote:

Since when is wine not part of the meal? If someone brings wine, we'd certainly serve it.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think your wording if fine. I know what you mean. I've told certain people to just to bring themselves, that all we want is their company. Then because I didn't specify what they can bring, they bring expensive chocolates that we get fat on or if I say OK you can bring the vegetables then before I know it I'm being asked to pick it up from them late Thursday night. It's sweet of them to offer but it's harder for me to accept their gifts the way they do it.
For some people, what you're saying is the only thing that works and it works just fine.

agreer

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:33 pm

OP, you are fine.

The OP is specifically asking what to say when someone asks, directly, what should I bring?

It's not different than asking for a salad, dip, or kugel. Since she doesn't want any of those, she says to bring wine if they feel they can't show up empty-handed, but they really don't have to if for some reason they don't have time to find wine or if they forget.

I'd be thrilled if someone told me what to bring them.

The first time someone asked me what she should bring to a meal, I thought it was the weirdest question. I was inviting them; they don't need to bring anything.

↑ lamplighter ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:40 pm

To me the wording sounds like either bring wine or don't bring anything and I think wine is specific and a significant ask.
You don't have to agree with me.

Last edited by lamplighter on Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:57 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Sand ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

Since when is wine not part of the meal? If someone brings wine, we'd certainly serve it.

Since when is wine a course? It's not a very significant part of my meal, if we have a bottle we'll open it and if not not. There's nothing lacking if there isn't a bottle of wine.

gold2

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:53 pm

I wouldn't ask for wine unless someone was coming to me for a Seder.

It might be expensive for them and they might resent it

Yes I know you're hosting them but maybe they prefer to bring something cheaper and they don't even buy wine for themselves.

Rather ask for a cake/dish and give them an option to bring something homemade or store bought eg a kugel you can buy or make so you're not pressuring your guest

Cheiny ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

That’s an oxymoron. It’s one or the other. The first part of your statement says you’d like them to bring wine, but then you try to make it sound like you’re not really asking for it by adding, “BUT no need…” That sounds very insincere.

If you truly mean that nothing is necessary, say that. Alone. But if you want the wine, be honest about it and say the first part without the second because it sounds disingenuous.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 6:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

Since when is wine not part of the meal? If someone brings wine, we'd certainly serve it.

So why not just be honest because you’re insisting on wine, so just say, “Yes, bring wine…”

Not sure what exactly you’re looking for people to say here.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 6:12 pm

amother Sand wrote:

Since when is wine a course? It's not a very significant part of my meal, if we have a bottle we'll open it and if not not. There's nothing lacking if there isn't a bottle of wine.

Sure you can use grape juice, but wine is THE most important part of the Shabbat meal from a pure halachic perspective.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 6:14 pm

Cheiny wrote:

So why not just be honest because you’re insisting on wine, so just say, “Yes, bring wine…”

Not sure what exactly you’re looking for people to say here.

Did you even read the thread? Because I'm very happy -- and most happy -- if people just bring themselves and bring nothing. If they feel obligated to bring something, I don't want food... and wine is the only other thing that makes sense as something that can be served at the table.

amother

↑ Sand ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 6:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

Sure you can use grape juice, but wine is THE most important part of the Shabbat meal from a pure halachic perspective.

Actually, meat and fish are a very important part of the Shabbos meal, also from a halachik perspective.
Also, how is wine THE most important part?
There are many other things one can use for kiddush.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 6:19 pm

gold2 wrote:

I don't to serve want anyone's store bought stuff, nor do I want to serve most peoples' homemade food. I don't want people bringing stuff that I feel obligated to put on my table or that creates an awkward situation if I don't.

Yes, I realize a "cheap" $10 bottle of wine is more expensive for people than buying some store bought cookies. That's why I'm trying to signal to people that they truly don't need to bring anything, but if they REALLY want to bring something, wine is all we really can use.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 6:22 pm

amother Sand wrote:

Because the kiddush is said first, even trumping the bread?

I'm not here to argue about halacha. I think we can all agree that fruit of the vine is an important part of the meal.

↑ lamplighter

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 6:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

So just say, just bring yourselves.
Adding the wine part is asking for wine and puts people in an awkward position.

If they insist just say it's ok, we're looking forward to your company.

Rinse and repeat.