Teen is addicted to tiktok

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 9:22 am

I’m not really sure what to do. My DD is 17. She doesn’t have an iPhone or a private computer. The only internet access she has is our computer which has a filter on it. A few weeks ago I randomly checked the history on the computer and was shocked to see tons of TikTok and YouTube videos, many inappropriate ones as well. I confronted my DD and she admitted that she bypassed the filter and has been surfing the web many times late into the night (like until 4 am) and sometimes early morning too. That has been going on for months. I spoke to her about how damaging this is for her and how unsafe it is etc. I also got a stronger filter and changed the passwords. It’s been a month now and I checked her email last night and saw that friends have been sending her links to videos and the emails were opened so she obviously has been gaining access somewhere other than my house. How do I approach this? Obviously my words aren’t having an impact on her…

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 9:31 am

amother Scarlet wrote:

Does she agree that it's something she doesn't like, but feels addicted? Or does she think it's not a big deal?

She tells me she knows it’s not good for her but I really don’t think she thinks it’s a big deal. She’s almost desensitized to it. I’m still in shock by the things I found her watching.

amother

Chocolate ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 9:50 am

What inappropriate videos has she been watching? P-rn isn’t allowed on TikTok and YouTube so can’t be anything that bad.

It’s not unsafe to watch TikToks or YouTube.

Sounds like normal teenage stuff to me.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 10:04 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

Not p-rn but videos with scantily clad women, suggestive dance moves, and videos on having affairs etc. We are a kollel family. This isn’t normal teenage stuff that she is exposed to regularly in our home

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 10:05 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

I don't agree with previous poster. It definitely can be dangerous. But what makes you think it's an addiction?

There’s time stamps of 3:40 to 4:00 am and some at 5:30, 6:30 am on school nights. That means she’s either staying up all night or waking up early to watch.

amother

↑ Chocolate ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 12:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

It’s normal teenage stuff as in it’s normal for teens to push boundaries and be curious about the things they’re not allowed to access.

She is trying to figure out who she wants to be. She experimenting and may end up being different from the way you brought her up.

You can ask her why she’s watching at unearthly hours of the night. Likely because it’s when she’s able to get away with it because you’re sleeping.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 12:48 pm

amother Chocolate wrote:

So what do I do now? Nothing? Of course she’s watching at night. Because she bypassed the filters and we don’t know that. But it’s an addiction when it interferes with daily life. She’s been exhausted for months and I’ve brought her to the doctor and they’ve done blood work and everything was fine. Turns out it’s because she’s up all hours at night watching

amother

↑ Bergamot ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 12:49 pm

Another note to add. Be on her team as opposed to opposite her. It's normal for teens to explore. It's unhealthy for her to be up so late...better she have tiktik and watch in front of u, at set hours, than behind ur back...

amother

↑ Bergamot ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 12:52 pm

You can also take out the router before u go to bed.
The better way is to have an open discussion with her.
(She can get herself her own phone and her own access).

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 1:26 pm

amother Bergamot wrote:

You can also take out the router before u go to bed.
The better way is to have an open discussion with her.
(She can get herself her own phone and her own access).

I don’t understand this viewpoint. Obviously I don’t want her having access and see from experience that she’s definitely not able to control herself and just watches nonstop. Why would I give her her own phone with access??

amother

↑ Bergamot ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 2:20 pm

She is one foot out the door (11th or 12th grade). She will do whatever she wants anyway very very soon. It's not about letting anymore...she clearly is already making her own choices but has noone to discuss it with because she knows you will seek the "control".
You need to let go of the control...and have a honest, open, kind discussion with her.
"I am worried for your health with you being up all night watching. Clearly, you feel the need to "chillax with videos". Can I help you find interesting/appropriate shows and give you the computer for a set hour every day?We are going to be taking out the router before bedtime because we all need our sleep....are you having questions about yiddishkeit? Or is this just a need for relaxing? Are you feeling anxious about things? Can I find you some good books to read to help relax?"
See where the conversation takes you...but you need to be calm and NOT make a big deal out of this...

amother

↑ Bergamot

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 2:26 pm

I'm saying this as someone who was a teenager before the internet and came from a similar household.
Believe me I found what to do all night relaxing with only my Walkman and radio. By the time my parents figured it out (with my siblings figuring it out and tattling, not them) it was years after I was already past that.
I was more upset that they were clueless about where I was holding in life for so long than about them actually realizing a few years after the fact...
Your job as a mother is to meet ur daughter where she is at and try to steer her gently towards making better choices. Not to try to control her. She is 17...

amother

Lightgray

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 2:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

Because she’s basically an adult and clearly will access it anyway.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 5:02 pm

amother Bergamot wrote:

So what I’m asking is how. I don’t think the right thing is to hand her a computer and let her have free rein for an hour. That feels wrong to me. I have had discussions with her about it. She tells me she knows it’s wrong.

amother

Steel ↓

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 5:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

It doesn’t sound like an addiction, just a curiosity. The reason she’s up all night is because it has to be when everyone is sleeping and behind your back. That’s normal teenage behavior when they want to explore something against their parents rules. It’s interfering with her life but not because it’s an addiction, she just has no other time to do it.

If you want her to stop being up all night, maybe try to meet her halfway. Tell her you know about the TikTok and your okay with her watching, but only until x time. And it can’t interfere with schoolwork or housework.

At 17, there’s not much you can do. And pushing her in your direction will likely lead her further down the opposite one.