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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Giving Gifts
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amother
Taupe
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 Wed, Sep 27 2023, 11:55 pm
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As a mother and mother-in-law. What means the most to me is a nice letter. I keep them forever. My kids have bought me things but not very often. And honestly, I’m pretty picky and don’t usually like it anyway. But they always give a gift receipt and it’s definitely not expected or expensive. But I really appreciate the thought. And it really is only once a year usually but they come to us every other week and we’ve help support of them and are always very generous. So it I think it’s good for them to also show some appreciation. As I said, it’s not expected but it does make me feel good that they show some appreciation. Makes me feel like I did something right
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amother
Turquoise
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:45 am
We buy both mother and Mil gifts for yt. Sometimes something smaller like liquor and cake and often more expensive gifts
I particularly enjoy gifting my mother. She cooks and hosts and gets the singles clothing and accessories for chaggim though hardly treats herself to something new
She is always so touched and appreciative when she receives a gift from us but keeps reiterating how unexpected it is
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amother
Snowflake
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 1:20 am
I like to try and gift something personal for each yom tov. But it's usually something with a picture of my kids. I did a hadlokos neiros card with their picture, same concept for chanukah, apple shaped picture for rosh hashona, 3d 'succah' with a picture.
I look out for interesting things, but sometimes it's just an acrylic picture etc. I think they do appreciate it. I often package it up with chocolates or cake to make it more impressive looking.
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amother
Topaz
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 1:24 am
Definitely like you that we don't get group gifts for parents or in laws except for major birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
But we live in Israel and when someone goes and is being hosted by my parents or in laws, we do send a gift along (thats max once a year, often much less frequently). When we were local and would go for a shabbos or shabbos meal we would bring some food (dessert or a kugel) so we don't come empty-handed.
That being said, it never occurred to me to give my mother a gift for hosting me when my first few were born (before moving abroad).
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SuperWify
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 1:42 am
A Lakewood thing? What does that even mean? Hakavod Hatov is only a Lakewood concept?
And spending $30 for someone who is hosting you for the whole YT sounds like a good deal to me especially if you’re in Kollel.
But I’d agree that giving a gift that the recipient would appreciate and not just bring the latest thing is nicer. (However, most of these places do accept exchanges.)
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amother
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 5:47 am
Sounds like a very nice thing to do.
I would tell my SIL “thanks so much for taking care of this!”
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amother
Clematis
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 6:34 am
My kids don’t buy me gifts for yom tov but usually for my birthday or Mother’s Day they will send me the most amazing breakfast.
If I watch their kids when they go away they will give me a gift card to a breakfast place I love but don’t go too often.
They will bring a kugel or salad when they come for yom tov.
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amother
Azure
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 6:36 am
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Didn’t read the entire thread, but yes. It shows hakaras hatov. It’s that simple
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amother
Blonde
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 7:36 am
We don't gift my parents and in laws often.
I help with cleaning, serving and stripping linen etc.
I try to bring a food dish for yt, I have 2 littles, no one is expecting anything.
We try to gift them every chanukah. We buy flowers together for shavous.
If my parents host me or my child (post baby, vacation etc) I'd buy them something for $100 or so.
For my in laws, we also purchase them flowers (I don't understand it) when a child gets engaged.
For my parents, we also send something for shabbos sheva brochos, when they host meals in a hall.
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keym
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 7:45 am
It seems like theres 3 different parts to the conversation.
1) whether you should give gifts to parents/relatives when they host or help.
2) chipping in to gifts
3) what kind of gift to give.
It seems like youre mixing everything together for both your parents and inlaws and its complicating things.
Separate the pieces.
1) I think its 100% appropriate for children to give a gift to parents when theyre hosting.
2 and 3 get more complicated because it involves specific family dynamics.
I dont know your inlaws. But is it possible that youd feel better about the whole things if you opted out of the group thing and bought something that you think your mil would like- a book, her favorite candy, a challa cover, tablecloth, washing cup, I dont know. something.
And the same thing for your mother. Your family teased you because the gift you bought was not your mothers "thing". But if you bought something that is her "thing" she would appreciate it.
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amother
Trillium
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 7:54 am
While gifting is nice and should be done, I don't like the idea of creating an obligation in a family where everyone must chip in or risk looking like the stingy one.
Let everyone gift how and when they want.
Personally, I'll sometimes bring a gift, sometimes help by bringing food and sometimes bring nothing if I can't.
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cnc
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 8:15 am
I think it's very normal, especially for parents that slave away and cook and host their whole family for Yom Tov. Put yourself in their position- it's not necessarily the gift, but the acknowledgment that's important. Even if you help out with the cooking etc , it's still usually hard and draining to host . It doesn't have to be a major gift , but at least some appreciation etc ...
Also, $30 is really not a lot, considering how much it would cost me to make Yom Tov r even a meal on my own...
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amother
Peach
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 8:28 am
This thread is guilting/inspiring me!
I don't generally give my mother/mil gifts when we come for Shabbos (I try to offer to bring food if I ever remember)
I want to try being more on top of showing my appreciation for their hosting now.
I was planning already to get my Mil a gift for Sukkos, and I was trying to think of ideas of what to give my mom. Maybe I'll start a spinoff....
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imaima
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 8:32 am
| amother OP wrote: | So it seems most people think it’s normal and nice.
I’m wondering why the concept is so foreign to me. Could it be cultural? For example, I would never show up as a shabbos guest without a platter or gift or both, but I would never even think of bringing a gift or a platter to my mothers house for shabbos.
Some of my SILs even buy my MIL a $100+ gift after they move in after having a baby. I was so taken aback by this. My mother takes care of me amazingly me after having a baby but buying her a gift would never cross my mind. It seems so formal. And my mother would never expect one either.
Maybe I’m the odd one out. Or maybe it’s a Lakewood thing? |
She may not expect it but the mom for sure appreciates it and it’s amazing middos. It takes a ton of work to host after the birth.
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amother
Powderblue
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 4:56 pm
| amother OP wrote: | At least twice a year, my sisters in law suggest we all chip in for a fancy yom tov gift for my MIL (their mother). They usually suggest the latest trendy and pricey thing, like a Domani throw blanket, a Scentify, or the latest Waterdale creation. They never pressure anyone to chip in but I always feel dumb not doing so.
My MIL is really wonderful and hosts her many married kids happily and generously. But I’m just wondering if it’s normal for married kids to buy their parent/MIL a fancy gift a few times a year? Sukkos, Chanukah, pesach etc. Honestly it’s not only gifts for my MIL, they are CONSTANTLY suggesting we buy gifts for every graduation, large birthday milestone etc.
For context, my mother also wonderfully hosts me and my married siblings and we don’t usually buy her any sort of gift. There was one or two years we got her a Chanukah gift but that’s it.
I’m starting to wonder how they can even afford this since most of them are kollel families. Personally I can BH easily afford to chip in but it’s starting to annoy me. I feel like they just are buying into the latest marketing trend of whatever new product is out there. Like “oh everyone is giving this as a gift we should too”.
My background is JPF/heimish, my husbands family is very typical Lakewood yeshivish, so maybe this is a culture thing, or maybe it’s normal for people of all backgrounds and I just didn’t get the memo, which is very possible (I sometimes miss social cues like this). So am I the crazy one or are they? |
reminds me of my sisters in law and of my sister. they were constantly collecting money for gifts to my mother and father.
I never understood it.
To me it was like high school all over again.
boruch I turned 48 and they nicely stopped.
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amother
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 5:19 pm
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Interesting that some people seem to resent giving their in laws/MIL who host and do so much for us a $30 gift yikes
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amother
Impatiens
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 6:40 pm
| amother OP wrote: | At least twice a year, my sisters in law suggest we all chip in for a fancy yom tov gift for my MIL (their mother). They usually suggest the latest trendy and pricey thing, like a Domani throw blanket, a Scentify, or the latest Waterdale creation. They never pressure anyone to chip in but I always feel dumb not doing so.
My MIL is really wonderful and hosts her many married kids happily and generously. But I’m just wondering if it’s normal for married kids to buy their parent/MIL a fancy gift a few times a year? Sukkos, Chanukah, pesach etc. Honestly it’s not only gifts for my MIL, they are CONSTANTLY suggesting we buy gifts for every graduation, large birthday milestone etc.
For context, my mother also wonderfully hosts me and my married siblings and we don’t usually buy her any sort of gift. There was one or two years we got her a Chanukah gift but that’s it.
I’m starting to wonder how they can even afford this since most of them are kollel families. Personally I can BH easily afford to chip in but it’s starting to annoy me. I feel like they just are buying into the latest marketing trend of whatever new product is out there. Like “oh everyone is giving this as a gift we should too”.
My background is JPF/heimish, my husbands family is very typical Lakewood yeshivish, so maybe this is a culture thing, or maybe it’s normal for people of all backgrounds and I just didn’t get the memo, which is very possible (I sometimes miss social cues like this). So am I the crazy one or are they? | idk, did your parents buy you things ? Supported you? Bought you stuff you needed when you were small? My kids ware small, but I try my best to give them all they need. Maybe this SIl just loves her mom and wants to give her best and most choshuve? I'm very simple person, but for my friends who I respect ,I will get balebatish level gifts. Even if I find it stupid for me to use scientify or domani home thigs.to me sounds like she just loves her mother and this is her way of expressing it. That easy) why' is it weird to buy your parents stuff ? My 12 year old buys me gift when she goes to the store. For $1.29, but I am still very touched. .....
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