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-> Health & Wellness
-> Crohn's & Colitis
amother
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 Thu, Aug 24 2023, 1:34 pm
Dh treats me very well and is a hands on, good father.
Once in a very long while, he goes through a period of time where he's easily triggered by my kids and is out of control with them, yelling very harshly, pushing them, and rarely hitting.
We have discussed this ad nauseam each time it comes up and it generally passes fairly quickly. I realize that even this is extremely damaging to my kids and 100% unacceptable. I know.
I've noticed recently that this happens together with a flare up of his Crohn's disease. Now, I haven't been able to pinpoint with certainty what comes first, the chicken or the egg. Is the flare bringing on the abusive behaviors toward my kids or is the trigger that brought on the flare causing the short fuse? I think it's actually the flare that's bringing it on.
Does this make any sense?
It's like all the therapy disappears as soon as he's in a flare and feeling terrible. He just acts terribly when he's feeling not well.
He's been flaring the past few days and it's happening again. I said some rather harsh words to him this morning. Ok, they were very harsh and not nice or productive at all. I'm not sure how much I should regret it, if at all.
On the One hand, I realize that he's in a tremendous amount of pain and it's really hard to be like that. In addition, possibly he feels bad/guilty as a husband that he's mostly out of commission when he's flaring. I freely admit that it's hard for me to see him so sick. I feel sad and worry about his health.
On the other hand, it doesn't really matter what you feel like. Some things are just off the table. Treat your kids with respect always. I'm far from a perfect parent myself. Yes, sometimes I well, sometimes I'm too tough, sometimes I don't set the right boundaries. I have what to work on too. However, this level of roughness is completely unacceptable to me.
I can insist that he goes back to therapy. It's very nice and helpful. I just think it's useless when he's fine most of the time and he's just out of control from being sick. I don't even know myself what I want. I'm trying to sort out my thoughts here.
I appreciate all gentle and respectful input. Thank you.
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amother
Peach
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 1:46 pm
Wow that is so hard and stressful and confusing. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
I know someone with a similar disease to Crohns that also loses his temper when he has flare ups. The family views it as a symptom of his disease and just deals with the behavior but I’ve always thought it’s just a matter of feeling sick making it harder for a person to act maturely and calmly, the way anyone is angrier on a day when they are in physical pain due to an ailment. I think it’s still under their control though and they should be made to work hard and not act up.
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amother
Mint
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 1:47 pm
You said it yourself. When he doesn't feel good, he can't be a good parent.
I'm not often sick. When I'm sick, I'm SICK. I yell at my kids and have little patience.
When my autoimmune disease flares, a lot of my energy is directed to protecting my own body. I can't get out of bed quickly, I have little energy, it hurts to move my limbs. So yes ill yell at kids who need me or nag at me.
You'd do better to figure out what's causing his flares and how to help him through them.
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amother
Oxfordblue
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 1:48 pm
Sounds like the inflammation is not just in his intestines but also in his brain....
Typical Pans/Pandas/AE behavior.
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Highstrung
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 1:49 pm
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I know that when I have physical pain or illness I get angry quicker and snap at everyone . It doesn’t excuse the behavior. I just noticed a pattern within myself .
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amother
Leaf
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 1:52 pm
I think a lot is going to come down to how he deals with what he did afterwards. If I'm sick but still watching my kids as usual, I might yell. Afterwards, I will tell my kids that while they did need to go to bed, I did not treat them well and I am sorry. I may say that being sick was the reason but not a valid excuse.
How does dh view his behavior during his flares afterwards? Does he see goong with the therapy plan as nice to do when he can but ok to not when it's hard, or is he upset that the pain and irritability is short circuiting his access to his skills?
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amother
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 2:23 pm
| amother Oxfordblue wrote: | Sounds like the inflammation is not just in his intestines but also in his brain....
Typical Pans/Pandas/AE behavior. | Yup. Inflammation in the gut = inflammation in the brain.
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amother
Almond
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 2:25 pm
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This is very interesting to me as I’m caring for my brother who has crohns and at times he’s okay and then suddenly he’ll get totally out of control to the point where I can’t let him into the house. I wonder if it’s related to flare ups but would make sense.
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Highstrung
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 2:29 pm
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I once had a boss who had an autoimmune disease. I’m not sure which. We used to joke he had PMS because when he had flare ups , which was obvious on his skin, his mood and reactions would change. He would be super curt, nasty , quick to anger and sometimes get physical like slamming doors or banging walls. On days that he was feeling fine , he was the kindest most caring gentleman. We all knew we were walking on eggshells on days that he walked in and his skin was all irritated.
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amother
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 3:01 pm
Ohmigosh I'm tearing up reading all these replies. I didn't know it's a thing, I was really unsure of myself. It's so so hard to have a spouse with chronic health issues. This is just another hard aspect. What should I do? My kids have to always feel safe at home.
He does always feel bad after. He's not defensive when I bring it up, he doesn't try to rationalize it or anything.
The gut brain connection, yes I know about that though I never thought about it in this way. It does ring true, I believe. How would that be addressed? Dh is already on GAPS diet. What else should I do?
I'm falling apart. I didn't know what I was in for when I married someone with very well-managed and under control Crohn's. I didn't know how hard it would be, even for that once every few months flare. I can't be a full time caretaker. I hate worrying about his health. And I hate hate hate the person he turns into from this.
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amother
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 5:18 pm
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As someone with crohns I can attest how hard it is to be a calm patient parent when triggered during a flare. But obviously that doesn't make it ok. I would explain to the kids that their father is in a lot of pain and it has nothing to do with them. Open, respectful communication. I'm sure a competent therapist can guide you how to discuss with them.
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imaima
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 6:19 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Dh treats me very well and is a hands on, good father.
Once in a very long while, he goes through a period of time where he's easily triggered by my kids and is out of control with them, yelling very harshly, pushing them, and rarely hitting.
We have discussed this ad nauseam each time it comes up and it generally passes fairly quickly. I realize that even this is extremely damaging to my kids and 100% unacceptable. I know.
I've noticed recently that this happens together with a flare up of his Crohn's disease. Now, I haven't been able to pinpoint with certainty what comes first, the chicken or the egg. Is the flare bringing on the abusive behaviors toward my kids or is the trigger that brought on the flare causing the short fuse? I think it's actually the flare that's bringing it on.
Does this make any sense?
It's like all the therapy disappears as soon as he's in a flare and feeling terrible. He just acts terribly when he's feeling not well.
He's been flaring the past few days and it's happening again. I said some rather harsh words to him this morning. Ok, they were very harsh and not nice or productive at all. I'm not sure how much I should regret it, if at all.
On the One hand, I realize that he's in a tremendous amount of pain and it's really hard to be like that. In addition, possibly he feels bad/guilty as a husband that he's mostly out of commission when he's flaring. I freely admit that it's hard for me to see him so sick. I feel sad and worry about his health.
On the other hand, it doesn't really matter what you feel like. Some things are just off the table. Treat your kids with respect always. I'm far from a perfect parent myself. Yes, sometimes I well, sometimes I'm too tough, sometimes I don't set the right boundaries. I have what to work on too. However, this level of roughness is completely unacceptable to me.
I can insist that he goes back to therapy. It's very nice and helpful. I just think it's useless when he's fine most of the time and he's just out of control from being sick. I don't even know myself what I want. I'm trying to sort out my thoughts here.
I appreciate all gentle and respectful input. Thank you. |
Why don’t you leave him alone when he is flaring? He must be suffering so badly
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amother
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 6:41 pm
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Is he normally a super patient parent or is that something he struggles with when he is feeling well? It definitely makes sense that he's more short tempered and irritable.
Is he on steroids when he's having a flare? Because that's definitely going to exacerbate irritability and mood swings.
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amother
Olive
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 6:52 pm
Can you suggest that when he flares up, he keeps away from the kids and you take over? give him the feeling that you really care and you recognize that it's out of his control but it's still not okay. You need to support him as well as laying down red lines that he can't cross.
If the kids are really annoying him and he can't cope, he can lock himself in the bedroom, go for a walk, whatever. BUT when he does that, you have to be supportive and let him go if he says he needs to.
Have you tried the FODMAP diet? My friend's husband went from non-functional to fully functional on it. That was after years on the SCD, then GAPS.
Editing to add: look after yourself as well, get therapy if you need it. Just like an addict's spouse needs help, so does a spouse of a chronically ill person.
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amother
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 8:20 pm
He prob should stay away from the kids when he's flaring but that's just more burden on me from his illness. I am overwhelmed enough as it is, I don't want to be fully on 24 hours a day. It's too much.
He's not on steroids right now, its a last resort because of side effects.
Being a patient parent doesn't come easily to him. It's something that he's worked hard on and continues to work on all or rather most of the time. I guess that's why it's the first thing to go when he's not feeling well.
I appreciate the perspective from everyone, especially from those who have chronic health issues or live with a spouse with chronic health issues.
I'm putting my kids to sleep now. When I'm done, I'm gonna have to go downstairs and talk to him. I don't know what to say about this morning. I said mean mean things. I kind of feel bad but I also don't want to apologize. His behavior was way way too far and he really frightened me with his behavior. Any advice?
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imaima
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Thu, Aug 24 2023, 11:53 pm
| amother OP wrote: | He prob should stay away from the kids when he's flaring but that's just more burden on me from his illness. I am overwhelmed enough as it is, I don't want to be fully on 24 hours a day. It's too much.
He's not on steroids right now, its a last resort because of side effects.
Being a patient parent doesn't come easily to him. It's something that he's worked hard on and continues to work on all or rather most of the time. I guess that's why it's the first thing to go when he's not feeling well.
I appreciate the perspective from everyone, especially from those who have chronic health issues or live with a spouse with chronic health issues.
I'm putting my kids to sleep now. When I'm done, I'm gonna have to go downstairs and talk to him. I don't know what to say about this morning. I said mean mean things. I kind of feel bad but I also don't want to apologize. His behavior was way way too far and he really frightened me with his behavior. Any advice? |
You contradict yourself. You mean he is not allowed to be mean when he is flaring up but you are?! Practice what you preach.
I got an autoimmune disease after getting married, I don’t know if it changes anything. I get irritable too. Noone „signs up for this“.
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amother
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Fri, Aug 25 2023, 12:12 am
| imaima wrote: | You contradict yourself. You mean he is not allowed to be mean when he is flaring up but you are?! Practice what you preach.
I got an autoimmune disease after getting married, I don’t know if it changes anything. I get irritable too. Noone „signs up for this“. |
I get mean when someone abuses my kid. Yes I do. Wouldn't you?
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amother
Grape
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Fri, Aug 25 2023, 12:16 am
| amother OP wrote: | | I get mean when someone abuses my kid. Yes I do. Wouldn't you? |
No. Two wrongs don't make a right.
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amother
Anemone
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Fri, Aug 25 2023, 3:17 am
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I literally can’t be a good mother when I have two mosquito bites.
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amother
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Fri, Aug 25 2023, 5:00 am
While there may be reasons behind "abusive parenting" there is never an excuse or justification. Never for any abuse.
Treat and address the concrete actions stop the abuse.
No matter from where they may be stemming.
protect your kids
hugs and hatzlocha
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