Because of some men, I can’t live my life

amother

↑ Poinsettia ↓

Wed, May 31 2023, 9:11 am

amother Mint wrote:

Op this is really about your "husband's hesitance"
he is uncomfortable with you putting yourself out there in the public sphere in this way
this is really between you and your husband
sounds like he agreed to ask his rov because you didn't understand or agree with your husband's hesitation
and sounds like you were surprised and upset at the rov's answer
focus on your relationship
this is personal
hugs and hatzlocha

At the end of the day this is the right answer

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, May 31 2023, 9:52 am

the world's best mom wrote:

I have a different question about your thread title. We've debated about the "Because of creepy men" but what about the end of your title, "I can't live my life"? Is life all about instagram? With no posting videos on instagram, there is no point to life?

I've never been on instagram but I think I have a rich, happy life. I don't understand the tragedy in refraining from posting a video on instagram.

I posted this OP very soon after I got off the phone with DH’s rebbe. I FELT like because of men I can’t live my life. That was the feeling it brought up in me.

Is it reallt true? Obviously not. Is it ok that I was irrational for a bit?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, May 31 2023, 9:57 am

notshanarishona wrote:

It’s funny, I honestly never thought to ask a shayla before doing media interviews or other PR which social media plays a big part. This is making me second guessing myself.

I never either thought I would ask a shayla.
And that’s not how it began.
Like others pointed out, the decision to call his rebbe was because of DH’s discomfort and I wasn’t even looking for a yes or no halacha. I truly thought he would offer a perspective tbat we’d mutually agree with.

My plan was to post videos of myself. Never entertained the idea that it would be a problem (besides for making DH uncomfortable).

When his rebbe heard my side, he said that it’s actually not as simple as I’m making it out to be. And requires a real shayla. That’s all.

And be said this because he has a lot of married students who are open and honest and he’s aware of the dangers and what is really going on on Instagram.

amother

↑ Blush

Wed, May 31 2023, 10:45 am

amother Mint wrote:

Exactly this

amother

↑ Powderblue ↓

Wed, May 31 2023, 10:55 am

the world's best mom wrote:

Limiting the question this way misses the point. Based on the reasoning OP's DH's rabbi gave, she can't speak with her face visible in any videos anywhere online. And the same reasoning would suggest that he would oppose her speaking to any crowd that includes men (although he might make a distinction as some have between IRL and online). These are severe limitations.

I've never posted on Instagram either, I don't even have an Instagram account to follow people with. But, as I posted earlier, I wouldn't be able practice law in my specialty and probably many others if I had to abide by such rules, because my field requires appearing in video-recorded proceedings which are then posted online. That's just one example, but I'm sure that for many others, such as academics for example, a ban on online video appearance would meaningfully inhibit participation in their field.

amother

↑ Powderblue

Wed, May 31 2023, 11:02 am

As data has become easier and cheaper to store and transmit, and since COVID, a lot of things are video recorded and made publicly available that didn't use to be. And this will probably only increase. Telling someone they can't speak on publicly available video will become more and more of a constraint.

OP for example wouldn't be able to speak at a town hall meeting in my small suburb anymore. 5 years ago there would've been only written meeting minutes. Maybe audio archived? Now, the video of every meeting is posted online immediately for the public.

moonstone

Wed, May 31 2023, 11:10 am

I'm sure OP is very attractive, but why would anyone think that a man who wants to see hot babes would watch a modestly-dressed woman discussing her business when he could just click on a naughty video instead? Why is OP's video even a concern? I really don't understand this.

amother

↑ Slateblue ↓

Wed, May 31 2023, 11:20 am

amother eggshell wrote:

I wonder if Rebbetzin Yingreis would have been out in cherem today. She got up at MSG I’m front of men and women!

Exactly what I was thinking!
Of course today's authorities would say that today's generation is so much worse that we have to impose stricter controls. Have there ever been authorities who didn'tsay that? Our generations have been declining for so long--4000 years give or take--it's hard to believe we're not inferior to cockroaches already. (Sarcasm alert).

amother

↑ Slateblue

Wed, May 31 2023, 11:26 am

I honestly don't understand. The Internet is rife with videos and recordings of respected rebbetzins giving shiurim and divrei Torah, and not just on sites supposedly accessible only to women (which as we know is an illusion anyway).

Unless OP's selling women's lingerie and s2x toys, modeling clothing or making s2xy commercials, what's the problem?

amother

↑ OP

Wed, May 31 2023, 11:28 am

moonstone wrote:

Like I mentioned earlier, there are men who are trying to work on themselves and may not fall as low as watching erotica, but may veer toward something “more kosher”

Such was DH when he was working on his shmiras einayim. He said he felt less guilty if it wasn’t so immodest.

But also, some men may not particularly be seeking pleasure, but when they see a pretty woman speaking passionately, it can still have an effect on him that he didn’t plan for.

CPenzias

Wed, May 31 2023, 11:42 am

What type of business are you starting?
It sounds like lingerie from what you're saying the responses are. I can't imagine why men would get excited watching a video of a woman otherwise. If you're tznius, what is the issue?

↑ essie14

Wed, May 31 2023, 11:46 am

moonstone wrote:

Exactly.
Men are getting off on watching frum women cook? Or styling a shaitel?
There's 9 million racier videos on Instagram. Just pull up one of the Selling Sunset ladies accounts. They're half naked and pretending to sell real estate. Much more exciting than Danielle Renov making chicken. (Love you, Danielle!!!!)

amother

↑ Poinsettia

Wed, May 31 2023, 12:18 pm

amother Powderblue wrote:

Maybe that's the point of these draconian chumras - women shouldn't be doing anything in public at all.

skyeblue

Wed, May 31 2023, 1:22 pm

write on wrote:

In fact, I write words that go out to 100,000 readers a week so I doubt anyone could really call me "erased"!

Calling women whose pictures are not posted, "Erased," is doublespeak - it's deceptive and manipulative for the purposes of propaganda.

And just because a woman feels erased doesn't mean she has been erased.

Thanks for bringing out this point.

↑ Chickensoupprof

Wed, May 31 2023, 1:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't understand, they also can be distracted when a woman just walks by. They can be distracted by their own cousins then you can literally go to extremes because something always can have an effect hence the burqa sect in RBS and Bnei Brak. And the men responsible for it. It's like saying not to sell alcohol because some people might get drunk and might go into a fight.

Adina BarShalom the daughter of Rav Ovadia ztzl said about the women who wear burka's in Israel: “If a man cannot look at a woman and say ‘What a healthy and handsome woman the Almighty has created,’ then I do not know what is happening to us… And I fear that if this continues, we will have to veil our faces.”

You know it is close to victim blaiming aswell, if you get harassed then it can be now directed to the fact you were talking passionately about sheitels.