Because of some men, I can’t live my life

amother

OP ↓

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:11 am

I’m really upset right now.
I have a service based business and using Instagram helps me reach a lot of clients. I’m still in the starter phase of my business, and now I can’t use Instagram to promote my service. Why you want to know?

Because I need to film myself talking and DH was very uncomfortable with it, so we agreed to ask his rebbe. His rebbe listened to me and heard me out and said he’ll ask a shaila for us because it’s really not simple. Even if I’m totally tznius and say it’s an all women’s platform, men will watch me and it’s not so simple to just say it’s their problem….

He got back to us and said that his rav doesn’t want to pasken because it’s really not a simple question…and so he’ll ask someone else.

So now I’m waiting again but I just feel so resentful. Why do I have to stifle myself and my business just because there are men out there who are doing the wrong thing?

I want chizzuk and words that will comfort me. Please don’t bash rabbanim. DH’s rebbe is not extreme at all, he’s just super aware of what goes on for guys and he’s trying to be realistic.

This situation is also making me have such a hard time understanding how then, it’s possible, that there are so many good and tznius ladies on Instagram who are spreading Torah! Is it wrong?!?!

I need a good perspective
TIA

sushilover

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:17 am

I can't answer the first part of your post, but regarding your question of are other women wrong for posting on social media:
A huge part of being a frum Jew is dealing with the strange truth that just because something is wrong for me, doesn't make it wrong for you, especially when it's about sensitivities.

amother

Hyacinth

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:18 am

Your title is misleading... You can't put a video of yourself because your daas Torah doesn't think it is correct, from a modesty perspective.

Creepy men have nothing to do with this.
Then will be creepy either way.

Eta:
Who said the other women asked?
It's ok to say, it's fine for them, but doesn't 'pass' for you. It doesn't have to have a snobby connotation. For example, I (not me or you specific) don't wear a lace wig even if my sister does. Or I don't feel comfortable going to Atlantic city's hotel, even without going to game rooms.

amother

Ecru

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:19 am

1. In any business, there is bitachon and hishtadlus. Instagram may not be the right hishtadlus for you now. Hashem has many ways of making a business grow, you won't lose out from doing the right thing. I've seen this in real life time after time.
2. I always tell my kids, I don't know why other people do things that seem to be wrong but two wrongs don't make a right. Just because someone else is doing something, doesn't mean I can do it.
3. Your title shows a lot of resentment. It's not because of some creepy men. It's because you have chosen to live your life in accordance with what Hashem wants. You should be proud of yourself!

In every area of life, you have choices that have to be made. You can make those choices out of a real desire to serve Hashem properly or you can feel deprived. The end result is the same action but how you choose to look at it will make the difference whether it is an avoda or just not doing an avera. If you choose to do this besimcha, you will get immeasurable reward for it. Don't ruin your mitzva with resentment.

Chickensoupprof ↓

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:22 am

You want me to say not to bash rabbanim because your rebbe isn't extreme at all but realistic. Well, sorry he lost me. The woman who use social media (mind you imamother is technically also social media) and are perfectly tzinius don't ask a shaila for everything they do in their lives.

amother

Aqua ↓

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:22 am

I can't really answer your question because I don't agree with the whole premise. I didn't ask a rav nor would I ever think to, I do share my face on instagram.

That said, you don't have to show your face on Instagram. Film your desk, your hands doing something, etc and do voiceover. There are many successful brands that don't show faces.

amother

Bone ↓

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:23 am

I was given a psak that for parnassah it was ok (not this exact scenario but something similar). This isn't about creepy men and it's also not about you living your life. You weren't even told no yet. And if you are told not to do it you can (a) do it anyway [I'm not recommending that, but it's your choice] or (b) find a different way to advertise.

amother

Rainbow

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:27 am

OP, do you really thik that you wil loose out by doing the right thing ? This isn't about creepy men, you probably know that, but right now you wan't something badly which might not be in accordance with the torah, which frustrates you, so you are putting the blame somewhere else.

amother

Indigo ↓

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:39 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

How is not about creepy men? The Rav told her that the concern is that it's really hard for some men. The Torah does not preclude showing women's faces.

amother

Tangerine

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:40 am

amother Ecru wrote:

[u]

Are you sure the bolded is true?

I'm not advising on what the OP should do. But it would seem to be pretty naïve to suggest that hashem runs the world in a way where people who "do the right thing" avoid hardship. It's the old why do bad things happen to go people question. But it seems pretty clear that often times people are doing the right thing and get slapped in the face. It also seems pretty clear that sometimes people who do the wrong thing are rewarded in this world.

This is just reality.

juggling ↓

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:40 am

NechaMom wrote:

This site is social media though.

I find it fascinating how many people don't realize that!

OP, many rabbanim wouldn't have a problem with women putting videos of themselves on social media. However, if your rav does not allow it, or your husband doesn't want you to do it, it will take a lot of strength for you to listen.

Personally, if you want to use Instagram to promote your business you can 100% do so without ever showing your face. You can hire someone to make you animated videos that are text and graphics. You can use a cartoon version of yourself, maybe. There are lots of ways to use Instagram without showing your face. You just have to be a bit creative.

Good luck!

singleagain ↓

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:40 am

amother OP wrote:

Even if I’m totally tznius and say it’s an all women’s platform, men will watch me and it’s not so simple to just say it’s their problem….

I don't really understand why it's not the man's problem? Maybe if the rabbi explain this to you more you would be less resentful?

Personally, this isn't something I would ask because I do think it is exactly the men's problem.

It really sucks if they're putting the burden of the man's commandment on the woman. I don't think that's right and I have yet to hear it explained to me in a way that I understand that.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:43 am

amother Hyacinth wrote:

My daas Torah doesn’t think it’s correct BECAUSE men are going to watch my videos. Even if I say they shouldn’t. Even if they’re married. Even if I’m talking to other women. That makes them creepy to me.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:47 am

amother Ecru wrote:

Thank you Ecru. This brought tears to my eyes.
I really really want to do the right thing! I want to do this b’simcha, and you’re right that I have resentment right now.

I’m trying to let myself feel what I feel. But also reframe this for myself so I can feel better moving forward and continue with more strength and bitachon. And that’s why I posted on here. I want help getting there, so this post definitely helped!

And I appreciate everyone’s kind responses. Thanks for taking the time to help me out!