Holy-Day Inn - Hosting married kids for Yom Tov! (funny)

lucky

Fri, Oct 28 2005, 9:54 am

This is a bit late, but better late than never.
I don't take credit for writing it. I don't even know where it comes from. I found a copy and here it is.

HOLY- DAY INN
THE PRICE IS RIGHT HOTEL
We wish to extend a warm welcome to all our seasonal guests (our married children) from far and near. The following regulations have been provided by the management to eliminate any confusion that may arise during your stay with us. Please refer to them frequently. Your understanding and kind assistance are truly appreciated.

I- Due to our chambermaid's indisposition, guests are respectfully requested to make their own beds and maintain premises in an orderly fashion. Towels which are found on the bathroom floor will regretfully remain there for the duration of your stay. Please note; Your childrens' rooms are also your responsibility. Didn't we learn that what the 'Egel" (baby calf) ruins, the `Parah' (mother cow) has to restore?!`?!

2- Due to our maintenance manager having reached retirement age, with all its accompanying, physical limitations, the job of garbage technician is open to all able bodied qualifying males between ages of 18-35. The usual requirements of a college degree, Semiche degree, and passing a physical exam, will be waived under the circumstances. Actually, the job description only calls for a willingness to notice the overflowing receptacles and enough sense of direction to enable you to find the side door leading to the alley. A trash holding area is located at the front of the building.

3-The kitchen will be open 20 hours a day. However, since our caterer/cook/waitress/maid
has also reached retirement age, with all of its accompanying physical limitations, meals that are requested outside of set mealtime hours will be on a self-service basis. Of course, cleanup is always expected to be on a self- service basis. Milk, eggs, and bread (in season) etc.. found on the table, counter, or floor etc.. 10 hours later, will be charged to your bill. Since your expertise is hospitality not cheese manufacturing, management reserves rights to dispose of bottles found under cribs, chests, beds, and other obscure places.

4- Guests wishing to use our high chair are requested to clean up after themselves as a courtesy to our other guests. (What about the hosts?) When serving cheerios (and Matzo, Lady fingers, or Chremslach in season), please have in mind that other residents may not appreciate the resultant crunch underfoot. Our proffessional architects and designers have so well planned our public spaces, that only a few steps away from the kitchen, you will find a broom and mop to help alleviate the; "Snap, Crackle, Pop" situation created by the multiple breakfast shifts.

5- Those (males or females) who make use of our diapering center are kindly requested to properly dispose of pampers etc.. as a courtesy to our fellow guests. Plastic bags have been provided for your convenience in the top drawer. Whoever deems it necessary to make use of the sofa, recliner , rug, etc.. for this purpose, is respectfully reminded that air pollution is prohibited in the United States of America. (A sense of direction is also helpful for this job, in finding the exit door for proper disposal of above mentioned items.)

6- By Union regulations, the unmarried members of our staff are only permitted to change one diaper, pick up one set of scattered toys, and fetch and carry on once per family in any given 24 hour period

7- A spacious basement play area has been provided to keep your children occupied .while you are
otherwise engaged in recreational pursuits. However, our local employment agency informs us that currently there is a shortage of toy-picker-uppers in the local job market. Therefore, each family must appoint a responsible adult as Designated Diver to retrieve and reorganize all recreational items before our other guests sink down and drown in them.

8- A vast library has been created on premises for your reading and studying pleasures. However, since Librarians are currently on strike, patrons are advised to return borrowed items to proper shelves.

9- Please be aware that our hotel is located in a retirement community, Noise levels are never permitted to exceed nine decibels. Violation of above will result in breakdown of already frazzled nerves of elderly residents.

10-The kugel in the oven has been provided for your gustatory pleasure. However, more than
one piece per hour may be hazardous to your health.

NOTE. DO NOT DISTURB SIGNS ARE NOT AVAILABLE IN THIS HOTEL.

We would like to thank our Mashgiach T'midi for sticking to his job throughout this busiest season. We would also like to thank our devoted "food Sampler and Taster" for always being around inter de Mama's shirtzel.

The management has endeavored to provide our guests with every modern comfort and convenience. We hope that your (and our) stay will be a pleasant one, and we look for-ward to serving you again in the future. (But please, not on a bi-weekly basis.)

P .S.

1- For those guests inclined to ignore the above regulations there will be 95% service Charge added to your bill.

2- Stays of less than four days will be eligible for 100% discount.
3- Checkout time is one and a half hour after the Zman.
4- All items left unclaimed for more than thirty days will be auctioned off to the highest bidder.

A GUT YOM TOV

Your devoted parents