Please-advice needed badly

amother ↓

Sat, May 24 2008, 7:15 pm

Ds is 6. This afternoon I was downstairs putting the baby to sleep and when I was done I went upstairs to check on ds. He was in my room, trying to turn on the computer. I could tell, he was intending to actually play one of the programs we have for him, he wasn't just looking at it or touching it, he actually had the cd he wanted with him. I was so upset. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say. I know he is only 6 not 16 but he in in 1st grade he knows full well that what he was doing was completely ussur. B"H he's not a difficult child and his behavior is generally thoughtful and appropriate.

Again, I know he is young, but certainly not a baby who doesn't know better. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach-- in the sense that he was sneaking and doing something he knew was being mechalel Shabbos. What is the proper reaction at this age? Do I officially punish? How do I phrase my reaction?

Of course I reacted immediately, voiced my feelings, my disappointment, etc. I just didn't know what the appropriate mix bt. anger, disappointment, vs. patient and understanding explanations was. Any and all ideas, reactions, suggestions will be very appreciated.

NotInNJMommy

Sat, May 24 2008, 7:24 pm

Make it very clear that this is something we, as Yidden, do not do on Shabbos ever. And that even if mommy/tatty can't see him, Hashem does. (This is a good lesson for avodas Hashem in general too) Remind him of alternatives, or even special things that we (he) can do/get to do on shabbos. Transition him into appropriate shabbos behavior, and even give him some mommy time to do a shabbos permissable activity he'd like to do.

That's my take if this is a rather isolated incident.

↑ amother ↓

Sat, May 24 2008, 8:02 pm

How concerned should I be? Is this extremely worrisome behavior, or typical of 6 year old misbehavior? I just don't know how to think of it exactly both in terms of the behavior, and the appropriate reaction. Thanks NotinNJ I will use your suggestions. Moms, please, reactions? Guidance? Perspective?

mumoo

Sat, May 24 2008, 8:07 pm

maybe he just forgot? I wouldnt assume davka misbehavior- if this is the first time it may be the only time. a calm matter of fact reaction with brief reminder of what we can do on Shabbos is best

gryp

Sat, May 24 2008, 8:16 pm

Quote:

What is the proper reaction at this age?

I would stick with sadness at first- how sad it is when a Yid breaks Shabbos, how it makes his Neshama sad, how it makes Hashem sad, etc., and then flip it around to how lucky we are to have such a special and holy day and that Hashem chose us to give it to, etc.

↑ amother ↓

Sat, May 24 2008, 8:16 pm

OK, mumoo thank you-- Am I overreacting? I suppose you are right, why assume some huge thing from this. Maybe davka because he is generally well behaved, it seemed more worrisome to me.

↑ amother

Sat, May 24 2008, 8:20 pm

GR, I did go with that-- I told him how sad I felt and how surprised. I guess I will leave it at that-- I wasn't sure to bring it up again later, I didn't want to overreact but I wanted to make sure he saw very clearly how serious it was.

flowerpower

Sat, May 24 2008, 9:18 pm

He only did it once, hes young, he didnt actually watch it-no I wouldnt be so worried. you can tell him how hasham chose us for his nation and he gave us the torah out of all non jews...and we have to make him happy and keep it. all the melachim are so happy when they see the yidden so mitvos. you can get into his feelings and say you know how he loves the cd and it was hard for him to contro himself and next time he wants to do a something he cant then he will have an extra mitva for controlling himself

Mommy3.5

Sat, May 24 2008, 10:07 pm

A 6 year old may know the difference between right and wrong, but most six year old boys have impulse control issues. He is not doing it to be bad, he likely did it because he wanted to play the game.

Personally, I would have just reminded him that it was shabbat and the computer is muktza, so lets go read a book together instead. 6 year olds do not fully get the consequences to their actions and still need regular reminders.

mandksima

Sat, May 24 2008, 10:18 pm

my just turned 7 year old DD keeps asking me what will happen to her because she accidentally turned on the light one time on Shabbos. I don't know if she's worried or just curious but I think it is important for her to understand that we all make mistakes, even if your son didn't carry through and just held mukzta, and Hashem understands that we're sorry and we'll try to be more careful and we have to realize what a special day Shabbos is. I'd try to be as positive as possible and maybe even buy a small special toy that you only take out on Shabbos for him. Something he could look forward to.

It is such an impressionable age for him to gave a positive feeling from Shabbos rather than focus on the activities he can't do. I find that helping kids invision the book of mitzvot where Hashem writes down how proud he is of us really helps them understand how what they choose to do or not do has some real bearing on their lives. Otherwise they might have a hard time understanding that it makes a difference and Hashem doesn't just "forget" unless teshuva is done (that also helps them understand the reason for saying sorry and meaning it - that an aveirah can turn into a mitzvah.)