Dc resentful that I work at home when they’re home

amother

Charcoal

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 8:27 pm

I don't think expecting and 8 and 10 year old to entertain themselves for a half hour while their mother does something else is unreasonable.

I think that you need to make it clear to them that you ARE going to continue doing this. You're open to suggestions about how to make it easier for them, but they don't get to dictate to you when you are and aren't allowed to work.

You sound like a great mother, and you're taking care of their needs, and a half hour a day is really fine.

Maybe make a program of some sort with them. Each day they entertain themselves for that half hour without fussing etc, you'll put x amount of money aside. And at the end of the summer, before school starts, you'll take them somewhere to spend that money.

You know your kids and their likes etc... so technically work backwards. What would be a good incentive for them, figure out how much money you'll need for that, and divide that over the summer.

amother

Poppy

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 8:57 pm

I wouldn’t do it, this coming from a mother who works every second that the kids are out, and at night as soon as they’re in bed. The afternoons are sacred time, they’re only with you for a few hours a day.

I grew up with a mom who had a similar struggle, the kids wanted to be seen after school, and it led to lots of resentment. I think the fact that you don’t work during the day may make it even worse for this child, who probably thinks, “why don’t you see them during the day when I’m in school?” Side note, it has nothing to do with age, it bothered us even when we were in high school. We didn’t like the feeling that we came second to the clients.

You could tell the clients you’re only available during the hours they’re out. If they like you enough they’ll make it work, and if not, you’ll find other clients.

amother

Anemone

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 9:29 pm

Don't take on more, Op. You said it's twice on Sunday plus 3 times during the week. Doesn't help enough if you dh is home at 1 of those sessions.
That said, my friend does makeup from home usually during school hours. Occasionally, she has someone come while her dh is home. She's had a handful of times that someone needed to come earlier and her 6 and 8 year old handled the toddler in the playroom. It can work, but if your child is resentful, don't add on more.

amother

Springgreen

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 9:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You’re so right and this is exactly the issue. I know if I’d be confident and no nonsense about it, dc would eventually make peace with it. But I am ambivalent, because I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing.

I can try to be more proactive with activities but whatever we’ve tried up until now has failed, except for screen time. What’s the most frustrating about screen time is that it becomes obligatory. So even if friends show up at that moment and if I wasn’t working they’d go off and find something to do, the screen time is already etched in stone. And then of course ends up extending way past the end of my session.

If it’s literally half an hour twice a week why is it so bad to give her screen time?

amother

cornflower

Mon, Jul 18 2022, 7:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Looking to see how others would approach this.

Do you think it’s ok and reasonable to expect an 8 and 10 year old to entertain themselves while you work with other children in the basement of your home for half hour - 1 hour each day during the afternoon soon after they come home from camp? I am available and accessible if they need me, but I do ask them not to bother if it’s not extremely important.

1 child is totally ok, the other is resentful.

I don’t know if I should be firm and no nonsense about this, or take their resentment into consideration.

Relevant points are: we do not absolutely need the income, but extra is always nice. I am doing this more for my own sense of purpose and also to build a caseload/career/reputation.

Also relevant that in general I make being available for my children a big priority when choosing how and when I work, I’ve always been home to send them off and home to greet them when they get back. No Nannies or babysitters, not because I judge or anything, it’s just a priority for me to be an available mother. So there’s a little bit of guilt that maybe I’m going against my values, but, otoh, I’m home, and my kids are big and really really don’t need me every minute. It’s not like I would be actively engaged with them during that time if I wasn’t working.

One more relevant point, I also see kids later in the evening for an hour each day, but at that point my husband is home.

I guess I also feel guilty that I’m not working during the day when they’re out, but everyone is wanting me to see their kids when they get home from day camp…

Also relevant: resentful dc isn’t resentful for any concrete reason. They are just an anxious
, clingy somewhat oppositional type with a very very hard time entertaining themself. Before anyone is down my back at my negative attitude, keep in mind that I am asking if I should be taking this resentment into account despite the fact that I know this resentment isn’t reasonable or based on anything concrete.

I’ve also had to bribe resentful child with screen time but it’s becoming a battle I’m really not happy about. And of course non resentful child that would otherwise be fine on their own now insists on screen time too.

Would appreciate any and all feedback

If you don’t truly need the money, I wouldn’t do it. Good for you for questioning yourself.