Canyou REALLY afford to make a party?

chocolate moose ↓

Sun, May 04 2008, 1:16 pm

I have an older single girl friend who is moving across the country to finally get married. (As far as me, you all know how much I love to cook and bake and give gifts, especially if I can afford to and if I have enough time to prepare in advance.)

An acquaintance of ours offered to make her Tzeischem Lesholom farbrengen. I was told to come and be a guest, which is something that I really very very rarely am - if you follow my posts you know my history in shul about our weekly kiddushim and how exhausted I go home from them, about the rosh chodesh gatherings, about my young friends (and mosdos) who I am happy to help make shabobs kallahs for, sholom zochors for - but not just bring a brownie mix baked in a disposable pan; I'll bring an assortment of goodies on platters, do the cleaning up, etc.

So, I envision dressing up nicely for Rosh Chodesh, and having a party to go to, where I will sit and enjoy myself.

This is, however, not to be............

The day before the event, I get a call from one of the people planning it, asking me to bring a dish AND contribute at least $10 for a gift.

Now, first of all, I'm happy to help, but so last minute? I work all day! And about the money - she has complained several times how she can't shlep all the things she wants to when she moves. A gift from a bunch of people IMO is not meaningful. And not that $10 is so much money, but I wasn't counting on spending it - maybe I'll go to the wedding, and maybe I want to give my own gift, KWIM ?

But the bottom line is, the hostess who offered her small apt, really cannot afford to make a party for my friend. We could have had the party in any number of other places, and this is what gets my goat ....

Why offer to be the hostess if you can't afford the paper goods, drinks,and nosh? Or, why can't you make it very small, and not ask others to contribute ?

What do you all think ?

I was told that people were bringing fruit platers, veg. platters, cakes, chips and nuts. That they wanted me to bring tuna and crackers.

Come on, for a 9 PM gathering? Who is gonna eat tuna fish at 9 PM ?

POSTSCRIPT

The more I think about this, the more I keep thinking deja vu ... and finally remember that when SIL got married, she arranged that a friend would make her Shabbos Kallah, and I was relieved, as I had already bought her her trusseau and arranged to make Sheva brachos, plus a host of small thjings that she needed, along with my full time job and two babies in the house ..

Anyway, a few hours before Shabbos, I got a call from The Friend who said, no one brought any nosh or anything for the Shabbos Kallah! As if she was saying, I'm donating my house, and that's all !

So, I see there is a precedent. Giving the place isn't making the party, or at least not in these cases.

POST SCRIPT 2

When I got married, a friend said she'd make Sheva brachos for us - but she could only afford to invited dh and myself for dinner, and have a minyan for dessert/bentching. We said, no thank you - not realizing that most of our friends could not afford to make us sheva brachos, and after asking around and getting no's, we settled for the 5 we could get.

For whatever reason, these families did not expect anyone else to pitch in ...

Anyone ?

Im a mom

Sun, May 04 2008, 3:18 pm

Im too tired to think of anything logical so you got nothing from me, sorry. Good luck, though

Squash

Sun, May 04 2008, 6:12 pm

I don't know. usually when offering to host a party it does mean MAKING the party. and if they wanted you to bring s/th, they should've said so at the time they invited you. maybe they just weren't thinking ahead?

louche

Sun, May 04 2008, 6:55 pm

I'm with squash: If you're hosting the party, you mean you're making it, unless you state at the outset that you want the guests to contribute. Nothing wrong with that, but you have to say so at the beginning so everyone's clear.

Same thing if you're making the party in a restaurant--you have to make it clear at the outset whether you're footing the entire bill, splitting the bill equally among all "guests," or each person pays for her own order.

changing the rules of the game when they're already playing the national anthem just ain't cricket.

In any case, mazal tov to your friend the kallah!

chaylizi ↓

Sun, May 04 2008, 7:00 pm

in my area of the world- if someone hosts a shower they host & get the papergoods, drinks, etc. we generally do something called a hostess shower- & everyone contributes about $75-100 & they pool it to buy presents to outfit the kallah with her basics (ex: dishes, pots, silverware, china, small appliances, etc..) everyone participating plus the invited guests bring food. but the onus of the party is spread among all 25-30 or more hostesses. having been a recipient of one of these showers, there's really nothing like it.

greenfire

Sun, May 04 2008, 7:41 pm

chocolate moose - I'm with you on this - if she wanted to host a party then she should take care of most if not all of the stuff - unless she asks otherwise from the getgo and not the last minute ...

chaylizi - glad you and yours do - but not everybody has that kind of money to shell out ...

Marion

Sun, May 04 2008, 10:45 pm

If you're hosting, you're hosting. We wanted to do a 7 brachot with only friends, but we knew we couldn't ask anyone to spend that kind of money. So we made it Shabbat lunch, used the kiddush room in the shul, and asked everyone to bring one thing (enough of it to feed about 20 people). We had kugels and cold cuts, and chicken, and salads, and pitot, and cooked vegetables, and dessert, and drinks. And we split the paper goods up between two of the guests so it wouldn't be too expensive. I think maximum anyone spent would have been maybe 75 shekel (and they would have spent that if they'd been cooking for themselves for Shabbat anyway).

Tamiri

Sun, May 04 2008, 10:55 pm

In our social group, when someone makes Shava Brachot for the child of one of the members (it's rotating: last person to have sheva brachot made for their child, gets to make it for the next person and so on), everyone brings a dish and we split the cost of the paper good. The host does incur some expenses and is responsible for the decor (they are very into that here, no plain paper plates on folding tables ) but as I noted, the responsibility for the $$$ is mostly shared, which I think is nice.
However, this is stated as a rule and not tossed upon us at the last moment. To do that is tacky.

Ima'la

Sun, May 04 2008, 11:18 pm

I think either way is ok, as long as it's stated at the outset. As for this scenario, I think you have to just chalk it up to real life, where people do things that aren't as polite as they should be, and you have decide how to handle it. Just b/c s/o else didn't act as they should have, doesn't mean you have to be put out. A polite, "I'm sorry, the hostess told me just to come as a guest. I would have been happy to make something, but I need more advance notice," is fine, no excuse necessary, but you can add that you work full-time if you want. And/or (re: $10) "I'm sorry, I already bought a gift on my own" (or "plan to" or "prefer to").

loveit

Mon, May 05 2008, 2:49 am

I completely agree, if a person agrees to host a party it means she plans to provide everything she states BEFORE that she wants people to contribute money, food, paper goods, etc.

I also would feel very frustrated to be asked a day before to bring a dish and money. That should have been part of the invite!

DH and I used to be friends with a couple that would often invite us for weekday or shabbos meals and would often ask us to bring the main course!! Like if they were doing a bbq, they would ask us to bring the steaks!! We finally started declining the invitations.

↑ chaylizi

Mon, May 05 2008, 5:36 am

greenfire wrote:

my community is by far not a rich one. we just take care of our own- that's all. many small communities do. people only sign up for families they are very close to.

momof6

Mon, May 05 2008, 5:58 am

Don't feel resentful. Just say no. People don't expect everyone they ask to say yes.

Mimisinger ↓

Mon, May 05 2008, 6:12 am

This stuff gets me so frustrated. I was invited to a shower for someone I knew (notice I didn't say friend) and the invitation asked me to pay $30 for the shower. That's a lot of money, esp. when you still need to give a wedding gift.

My parents were invited to a party for my mother's good friend at a restaurant. They don't drink and they still had to pay $150 for everything...

I think it's chutzpa to assume people will make a party with you unless you ask them way in advance. To ask for tuna the day before and the $10 is rude. But I understand it might be embarassing to show up with nothing or people have people think you didn't contribute.

I'd prob. make the tuna and crackers and fume about it all night.

↑ chocolate moose

Mon, May 05 2008, 7:13 am

Thank you all for validating my feelings, and adding yoru own! I appreciate that!

Anyoen else?

NotInNJMommy

Mon, May 05 2008, 7:19 am

If someone offerred to "make" the event, without qualification, then I'd assume it's her responsibility. This doesn't mean she can't call people to donate food, but not at the last minute.

I've had the occaision to "host" events, but in the situations where I was not going to be able to provide refreshments, I made it clear that I was donating my house and cups/plates, etc. not the food and not the shiur too, but I made that clear from the get go.

Or, I'd offer to give the shiur, but I would not be responsible for the food/place...I said so from the beginning.

I did once co-chair a sheva brochas. The whole lot of us knew it was a group effort, and tasks were divied up immediately. What wasn't delegated at the beginning, my friend and I took responsibility for bc we had taken on the responsibility to coordinate the whole thing. We weren't going to slam those helping us with last minute oversights.

↑ Mimisinger

Mon, May 05 2008, 7:32 am

NJ you sound like you know how to do things. We should all take notes...