help me be happy for her

amother ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 10:28 pm

I'm posting this as amother bc I'm embarresed of myself.
My SIL is engaged and we're (DH and myself) both very close wiht her, dealt with the whole dating process, lchaim, planning...but within it all I feel this distance. I dont feel totally happy for her. We will have to pay close to 4000 dollars to travel to her wedding bc it is overseas and its peak time, I feel stipid paying all that money.
I dont know what it is, maybe its bc my DH and I are dealing with our own issues, Im very stressed from work, having issues balancing home, work and social responsibilities....maybe its bc Im ttc for over 2 years and it's sad for me to see the whole fmaily moving on, when I didnt get a chance to "finish" my stage yet...
I dont know but I hate myself like this, can u help me sort through my feelings, give me some kind of positive drive,?

greenfire ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 10:56 pm

I guess the money issues can cause a great deal of stress ... so can "ttc" (I trust you cause I don't know what it is) ... but to see your family happy ... is a simcha we don't always share - be happy for them ... you will be happier for yourself as well ... cause deep down that is how you want to feel ...

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 11:09 pm

call this obnoxious but I dont really have much to do with DH's fmaily being tha they live soooo far away, its hard to shell out so much money to be a spectacle or nebached.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Apr 08 2008, 4:50 am

IMHO I think you should try your best to go. Last year we went to my parents on Chol Hamoed Succos, travelling for 4 hours each way to see other members of my family who were there and I was so pleased we made that effort because a few weeks later my niece was unfortunately killed in a car accident and I spent over 1000 dollars to go to be menachem ovel my sister in another country - I was with her for 4 hours before I had to come home again. Spend your money going to a Simcha!

Raisin

Tue, Apr 08 2008, 4:54 am

obviously its your decision if you can afford to go, but look on it as going for your sil, not for yourself. Will she be happy if you come? Or will it make her sad if you can't make it?

Its a mitzva to mesameach a kallah, maybe in the zechus of this, your tefilos will be answered.

↑ greenfire

Tue, Apr 08 2008, 6:06 am

amother wrote:

we're (DH and myself) both very close wiht her, dealt with the whole dating process, lchaim, planning...

amother wrote:

call this obnoxious but I dont really have much to do with DH's fmaily being tha they live soooo far away, its hard to shell out so much money to be a spectacle or nebached.

could it be you are just feeling this about yourself - family is family - the good the bad & the ugly - they accept you for you ... why can't you put your best foot forward - go in a positive light ... Hashem is the controller - try to be b'simcha and you just might be b'simcha ...

freidasima

Tue, Apr 08 2008, 7:09 am

There are lots of segulos having to do with a wedding. See if you can be part of them and whether it will give you the shalvas nefesh that will help Hashem help you conceive (along with the doctors of course!).

The money is a lot of money, if there anyone who can help you from the family if it is tight? If not, and you are really upset about this, could your dh go without you explaining that it is the finances, your work etc.? I have done this because of finances when dh had to be with his parents in the past and we couldn't afford for both of us to go...

Whatever you do, do it besimcha. And may hashem give you your heart's desire as a result of doing your mitzvos besimcha.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Apr 08 2008, 8:02 am

OP, I know how you feel.
When dh's younger brother got engaged I was really excited and thrilled,but when the wedding was nearing, my mood was getting worse and worse. we were ttc for over a year already and now dh's younger is already getting married and we are still stuck in the same ''stage''!!!! meanwhile his wife got pregnant 6 weeks after her wed...and I'm still ttc for almost 2 years.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Apr 08 2008, 10:00 am

I know ur all right...but y can't I feel it?

greenfire, Im not imagning the spectacle, when we went just a year after we were married, it was terrible, the comments etc.

What sort of segulas are there connected to a wedding?

My SIL would be hurt if we didnt come, so no choice bout that, it's just that I wish we would get some kind of something (recognition, appreciation?) for goign all out like that. I
I wish my IL would help pay 4 some of it. It bothers me that they talk about how having no money but are paying top dollar for the entire wedding expenses (like a 2500 sheitel) but expect us to shell out so much money just to show up! Of course Im goign for SIL but the whole thing is turning me off. It's hard we dont live near them, so we're not very close, they dont understand y we live so far away (Im from here, have a good job etc) and in general are dispproving of our choices....telling us we should just daven to have kids, its not so long, we're wasting money on fertility meds etc.............

Im just so not ready for all this ----!!!!

thanks for ur support

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Apr 08 2008, 11:53 am

I want to be there for my SIL, she would be highly insulted if I didnt go. Im not lookign to hurt her, I just need to sort through my feelings and maybe...grow up Wink

↑ chocolate moose

Tue, Apr 08 2008, 12:38 pm

amother wrote:

I want to be there for my SIL, she would be highly insulted if I didnt go. Im not lookign to hurt her, I just need to sort through my feelings and maybe...grow up Wink

You can't help with others think and feel. If you can't go emotionally, then don't.

A lot of people do thing cuz they think they Have to - IMO, jsut say NO. Specially if crazy money is involvd.

↑ amother

Tue, Apr 08 2008, 12:40 pm

amother- I know a little bit of what you are going through. My husband and I who are both very close to his sister, were going through a very hard time in our marriage two years ago when his sister got engaged/married. Everything about the wedding was hard on me, paying for my dress, the gifts, etc. but I did it all. My husband and I have since reconciled and I am happy I was able to put on a brave face through it all, hatzlacha!

mother48

Tue, Apr 08 2008, 8:14 pm

is it possible to use this trip as sort of a mini-vacation for you? if it's in a nice place, so some touring or somthing special, so you have what to help you look forward to, and after spending all that money, you have have two purposes.

red sea

Tue, Apr 08 2008, 8:25 pm

- it sounds more like mixed feelings, not so thrilled about some things that come along with the whole picture. you're normal. just cuz of other stuff do you really feel not happy for her? or despite being happy for her, youre not happy about some of the stuff that go along with the whole picture?