[STORY] Damsel in Distress (Update #16 - 26 Iyar p. 23)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Oct 28 2021, 7:42 am

IT'S NOT THE WEDDING

It's not the wedding, it's the marriage.

"I can say it, and I can even understand it," Chava thinks. "But how long will it take to believe it?"

----

The handwriting is on the wall. The guards' increasing hostility is impossible to ignore, and Rabbi and Rebbetzin Cohen decide that they'd better ease off quickly before they lose everything.

Everyone is safely engaged, the basics of halacha have already been taught, the mikvah is ready for use in the basement of Building Three. It's just a matter of giving the infamous "last class," best done one-on-one, the pre-wedding mikvah, and the chasunas themselves.

The guards' remaining good will needs to be preserved for ongoing Mikvah use, and asking for too much at this point can jeopardize that.

With that priority clear, the Cohens inform the guards that at this point, everyone will remain in their own apartments. They obtain permission to visit the young folk individually for the next two weeks, arrange a system for Mikvah, and begin to work out wedding plans.

The original idea of having a lively celebration for each couple is regretfully shelved. Though the guards would certainly prefer completely private ceremonies, Rabbi Cohen decides that groups of three would be best, to at least have two Eidim for each. The uneven number of couples forces an unhappy compromise, and he agrees to be one of the Eidim himself for two couples.

Rebbetzin Cohen spends a whirlwind day running around the building, and eventually is able to get everyone a date that will work for them.

Chava is placed in the last slot.

Her dates would have worked with the first, but her unique living situation doesn't make it a good idea to get married until everyone else is out.

She is equal parts disappointed and relieved.

----

It is odd, being back in the kitchen with all of the rules changed.

All of the bochurim are young Chassanim, and you can see it on their faces. And, Chava notes, amused, in their appetites. Whether from nervous energy or from excitement, she has to cook significantly more to keep ahead of them.

Being busy has its benefits. Less time to worry, more opportunities to listen in to the fascinating discussions happening at the table, and as a special bonus, more time to surreptitiously observe her own Chosson.

"So, Motty, what's it like to scrape the bottom of the barrel, eh?"

Chava grins to herself. Motty was the unfortunate last engagement, and has received more than his fair share of needling.

Today, however, he's prepared to give as good as he gets.

"Rabbi Cohen told me something interesting," he announces. "All you people picked based on your own taavos and seichel. But I did it like Adam Harishon. We know that there was no other option, so we must have been made for each other."

Motty gets a few "ooohs" and some smattered applause for his speech, but then everyone is left in a thoughtful silence.

"We're actually all like that," Chava thinks, putting down the pan carefully on the counter. "Even when we chose, it was all a setup. It's true, we must have been made for each other."

----

Being engaged isn't much. A kinyan, a lechaim — and not even a party — but it is transformative.

The spring in her step, the smiles that randomly pop out from the corners of her mouth, that she all expected.

But what is this new dynamic?

Chava is surprised at how shy she feels all of a sudden around Eli. She is also unprepared for his new level of protectiveness.

Erev Shabbos, she accidentally bangs her wrist into a pan straight out of the oven. She winces and runs it under cold water, mentally castigating herself for not being more careful, and whittling down her to-do list to the essentials.

Eli, who has been checking on her every so often, notices, and runs white-faced to the kitchen.

"It's nothing," she tries to tell him. "I just got a small burn."

Eli insists on seeing it for himself. He seems somewhat reassured that it is superficial, but still doesn't leave until he bandages it properly and she promises to keep it clean.

As Chava stares after him, nonplussed, a mountain of worries tumbles back into her mind. Will this forever be her role to play, the damsel in distress waiting for her shining knight to rescue her? Is this anxious person the calm Eli she thought she knew? What else does she not know about him?

At licht bentchen, she stands with her hands over her eyes for much longer than usual. She davens for herself, for her chosson, for all of the young couples awaiting their marriage. She davens for the unknown world they are cut off from, for the pain she knows must exist there.

But most of all she davens for clarity, for the fear to leave her. And at long last, she feels the peace of Shabbos, settling softly into her shoulders, a warm snow blanketing her with serenity. "We were made for each other," she remembers, "and it must be good."

----

Rabbi Cohen joins them for most of Shabbos. He pulls aside one or two of the bochurim for private discussions, but most of the day he sits at the table with all seventeen young men hanging onto his every word.

In the kitchen, slowly making more salads than she expects will be eaten, Chava is also hanging onto every word.

Rabbi Cohen's perspective on a man's role in Shalom Bayis is gratifying, and his insightful thoughts on gender differences are interesting, but Chava is hungry to hear something more.

As Rabbi Cohen discusses the spiritual necessity for marriage, the holiness of a couple coming together, and the Hashgacha Protis evident in their own stories, Chava feels the Shabbos peace solidify in her mind.

----

Having that clarity doesn't mean the worries disappear. But when the fears rise up in her chest, she is able to effectively deflect them by recalling Shabbos.

She needs it.

Sunday is the first set of weddings, and Chava is as jittery as one of the Kallahs herself. Rabbi Cohen escorts the three Chassanim out of the apartment for the last time, to the joyous singing of the others.

Her body picks that charged moment to short-circuit her diaphragm again.

It's been nearly a week since the last time, and Chava is doubly frustrated, having hoped that the parsha had finally ended.

Shooting an apologetic glance at Eli, which he doesn't see, she presses the panic button, resigned.

At the familiar sound, he stops short, grabs Berke and the equipment bag, and runs over to her. Why he thinks he needs to put on monitors for a routine event, she has no idea, but she meekly cooperates.

When she is breathing again, Berke goes back to join the party, but Eli stays with her for another few minutes. Chava can't seem to come up with more than one-word answers, leaving Eli even less convinced that she is okay.

Tension is swirling around in her mind, and she isn't even sure she recognizes herself today.

Chava closes her eyes for a moment, and lets herself relax into the time she had known this all clearly.

Then she opens her eyes, smiles shyly at Eli, and thanks him. "I'm fine, really. Everything is just happening very fast."

Finally reassured, Eli smiles back. "Well, it's always better not to push off for tomorrow something we can do today."

----

The days fly by quickly. Fourteen bochurim, then twelve, then nine.

The first morning without a minyan is almost painful. It is a Thursday, and the Aron Kodesh looks forlorn.

For a brief, poignant instant, Chava wishes she was a boy.

Then she catches herself, laughs at herself, and reminds herself that the Shechinah rests wherever ten Jews find themselves. She might not be able to make a Minyan, but she is the tenth soul for the Shechinah.

----

The next Shabbos is almost desolate. Six bochurim, one girl, and way too much food.

Although it is less than a week to the Chasunah, she can't fully avoid her Chosson, and Rabbi Cohen tells her not to worry.

Still, with no good excuse to be in the kitchen, Chava stays in her room for most of the day. She sits on a chair close to the door, trying to listen to Rabbi Cohen's impassioned talks and the heartfelt singing. The wedding is scheduled for Tuesday night, and the unknowns are calmed by hearing the bigger picture painted by his words.

It is already long dark outside, but Shalosh Seudos is still in full swing when Rebbetzin Cohen suddenly bursts into the apartment. She calls her husband over for a brief, urgent discussion.

Something is up, and everyone knows it.

After a few minutes, Rebbetzin Cohen knocks on the door to Chava's room. Surprised, she opens the door and offers the Rebbetzin her chair, going to sit on the bed. The Rebbetzin is not smiling, and Chava's heart drops.

"Chava," the Rebbetzin begins, "Your Chasunah was scheduled for Tuesday night, right?"

Chava nods apprehensively.

"Well," the Rebbetzin says, "I spent part of today with one of the other Kallos in your group. But," she continues, "she got a nosebleed."

Chava looks up, startled.

"No, you're not missing a halacha… Just for this girl, apparently that's a sign that her period is starting soon."

The Rebbetzin pauses, and Chava feels a dread weight descend on her as she realizes exactly what this means.

"I can't reschedule the Sunday night group, this girl obviously can't wait, and the other girl in your group doesn't mind pushing it up."

"But I can't go to the Mikvah until Monday night!" Chava scream-whispers.

"I know," the Rebbetzin sighs.

Chava sits frozen.

"I'm going to speak to my husband to figure it all out, but he says we can make it work.

"There's a lot to do still, I thought we had more time. I'm going to be back in a little while to help you with the last preparations."

Now the Rebbetzin looks directly at Chava and reaches out to hold her hand.

"You're going to be married in a few hours, Im Yirtza Hashem. I know that's not enough warning, but it's still a big simcha. Whatever other things you want to do to prepare, try to find the simcha in yourself.

"Don't tell yourself that it will be good, know that it is good already."

One last hand squeeze, and the Rebbetzin leaves the room.

Chava lets herself flop over onto the bed. She wants to cry, to let all of her feelings out, but somehow she can't.

Eli is probably hearing the same speech now, along with the other two bochurim. Does he know it will be a Chuppas Niddah? How on EARTH will that work? Is Eli excited to be married sooner? Annoyed? Disappointed?

The Shalosh Seudos has come to an abrupt end, and a few minutes later Chava hears them begin Maariv.

When they call out for Havdalah, she opts to stand partially behind the door, not feeling brave enough to look at any faces.

----

Last few hours as a single, Chava tells herself disbelievingly. Get ready to get married!

And how exactly are you supposed to do that?

Chava methodically applies makeup. Smiling into the mirror tells her that emotions are sometimes very easy to disguise. Pulling her hair up into a twist, she can almost fool herself into thinking that her reflection is an excited kallah, instead of a petrified teenager.

She puts on pretty earrings and gold flats, contrasting a little with her simple Shabbos outfit.

There is a gown for her downstairs, she knows. The Rebbetzin had let them all try on and pick the one they'd like to wear.

Appearance, check.

Last class, nope. Not yet.

Chava lets the panic and disappointment of the Chuppas Niddah wash over her. She blinks back the tears that are now forming, telling herself sternly that she had her chance to cry, now she is NOT going to redo all the makeup.

But then the realization hits her that she is getting married very soon, and nobody knows.

Her parents won't be there, her Bubby, her cousins, Shaindy, nobody.

The misery bubbles up and overflows, and she can't stop herself from crying. The Chuppas Niddah is just adding insult to injury, and how can she look forward to a wedding, however pathetic, with this giant awkwardness and who-knows-what following?

When the Rebbetzin reappears an hour later, Chava's carefully made-up face is a streaky mess. Chava guiltily remembers the enjoinder to find the simcha, and looks embarrassed.

But the Rebbetzin doesn't seem upset at all. "Don't worry, mammele," she soothes. "It's a lot to handle. But you're going into marriage with a big zechus."

Chava wipes her eyes, leaving a long streak of mascara on her hand, and looks curiously at the Rebbetzin.

"Taharas Hamishpacha is one of the biggest mitzvos, especially for women. You're enabling another girl to keep it properly, and it's not coming easy to you. That's real Mesiras Nefesh."

"But I'm being forced!" Chava bursts out.

"You've already made a lot of choices. You didn't argue with me, you didn't throw a temper tantrum."

Chava looks down, feeling worse about her tears.

"You were sad, but understood how important it is. And however miserable you might be about it, I'm going to guess that you did not consider not keeping the mitzvah, right?"

Chava nods a little.

The Rebbetzin smiles triumphantly at her. "That's a tremendous zechus! I'm sure it will be a wonderful beginning for your marriage.

"Now, can I help you fix up your makeup, and then I'll tell you what the plan is for later tonight?"

Nervously, Chava manages to repair the damage to her makeup, and listens as the Rebbetzin outlines the plan.

"Tonight there will be just four bochurim sleeping here.

"One of them knows, obviously, that's Eli.

"We're going to have to let another one in on it, and the others might figure it out."

Chava winces, but appreciates the Rebbetzin's honesty.

"It's not going to be easy, but it will be the right thing. You will sleep in your room with the door locked, and your Chosson will sleep in his room with the other bochur as a Shomer.

"Sunday night, we will sneak your Chosson out to go to the Chasunah, and then me and my husband will sleep over with you until Monday night."

It's a lot, but when the Rebbetzin puts it that way, it seems somewhat doable. It's not one of the nightmare scenarios she's been trying not to think about.

"The Chuppah itself is basically the same, don't worry."

Chava manages a small smile.

"And… Chava?" the Rebbetzin looks at her kindly. "If it makes you feel any better, I also had a Chuppas Niddah."

----

Two hours can't have passed, but Chava finds herself downstairs in the conference room, now home to a few extravagant faux flower displays and three white wicker thrones.

Wearing the gown she had chosen, and holding a small bouquet of silk flowers, she sits gingerly down on the chair, looking at the other two girls doing the same.

The Rebbetzin is holding a Polaroid and beaming. "Smile," she orders each of them, taking photo after photo.

Chava tries, jealous of the other girls and their unsullied wedding.

Then she reminds herself that 95% of this craziness is shared. They're all here without parents, relatives and friends. They're all making a wedding at a moment's notice. They're all nervous and excited and thrilled and scared. So she has a Chuppas Niddah and they don't? Well, she knows her Chosson, and theirs too, better than they do.

She manages an encouraging smile for her fellow Kallahs, and a half smile for the camera.

"Mommy, Tatty, I know if you were here you'd be ecstatic, and I know you'd want me to be happy," she thinks. And the imagined Mazel Tov wishes ringing in her ears, she finally manages a real smile.

Rebbetzin Cohen, relieved, presses the shutter quickly so the moment can be shared with her family after this is all over.

----

A CD player sings the haunting melody as Rabbi Cohen escorts one Chosson at a time to cover the face of his Kallah.

Chava isn't sure she will be able to look up, and as the footsteps approach, she says the words of Tehillim even more desperately.

But then she can't resist, and a moment before he reaches her, she looks up.

Eli's face is glowing, and his pure joy pushes away any leftover fear. He doesn't look upset, disappointed or hesitant. His smile is full and genuine as he tenderly drops a thick veil over her face.

She can't see him anymore, but he has poured that joy over together with the veil, and though she can't see it, her face is now glowing too.

----

It is the first time she has been outside in nearly a year, and Chava gasps at the freshness of the air.

Why isn't there a bracha for going outside, she momentarily wonders, then calls her attention back to the candle she can get a sideways glimpse at, held by the Rebbetzin as she slowly helps her circle around Eli.

Before Rabbi Cohen recites the brachos, he pauses.

"Chava, Eli, you are now standing under the Chuppah together. This one mitzvah will forever connect you. It is the cornerstone of your married life together. We, and the neshamos of all of your ancestors, are here to help you with this part.

"But from here on, it is up to you. The foundation of an everlasting Jewish home is Torah and mitzvos. Here, under the Chuppah, you are both forgiven for all of your aveiros. It is your personal Yom Kippur, and you have a chance to make a fresh start.

"There is a tremendous amount of kedusha here, just waiting for you to take advantage of it. Take these precious moments to make strong resolutions to forever make your home one that Hashem will be proud to call home. Remember that a home that is warm for others is a home that will be warm for you. Use this time to daven for yourselves, for others you know, and for Klal Yisroel."

It now feels like a real Chuppah.

Chava finds herself silently davening for all of the new couples about to begin their married lives alone, for the wider world that seems a dream away. She davens for herself, to overcome the immediate challenges of handling tonight with poise, and to build a proper Jewish home with gezunt, parnasa, and nachas.

Eli carefully slides a simple gold band onto her finger, and she is awed at the finality of it all.

She answers Amen tremulously to each of the brachos, sung in Rabbi Cohen's deep voice.

And when finally she hears the crash of glass, she throws back her veil with euphoria. Yerushalayim is destroyed, but it will be rebuilt, and now she is married and ready to build it, together with Eli!

----

The dancing is nothing special, a CD playing as three kallos, cheered on by one Bubby in a pretty lavender suit, whirl around together.

But Chava deliberately stays on cloud nine.

She lets herself get into the music, pulling the others along, until they are all exuberantly dancing together, singing along at the top of their lungs. The Rebbetzin looks relieved that the men's section is in the other room.

But it is over all too soon.

The Chassanim each escort their happy brides back to their apartments, and Chava, feeling foolish, trails Eli back up to her apartment.

At least the wedding isn't over there, and she sits on her bed, ebullient and lonely all at once, listening to the dancing in the living room. It ends, and the four Chassanim sit together, singing wordless melodies and talking Torah as dawn approaches.

Chava quietly locks the door, removes the wedding gown, takes off the makeup, puts on pajamas and climbs into her bed.

"It's not the wedding, it's the marriage," she repeats. "But when's the marriage?"

To be continued...
ETA: Continuation on page 11