[STORY] Damsel in Distress (Update #16 - 26 Iyar p. 23)

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Forum -> Hobbies, Crafts, and Collections -> The Imamother Writing Club

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amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 4:11 pm

amother [ Burntblack ] wrote:

I hear. But it would be just tachlis- not flirting

It's a slippery slope. Remember that Eli was just saving someone's life, can't get much more tachlis than that... and look what happens in the end, everyone thinks he's marrying her!

(Yes, yes, I get the message. We'll put Eli and Chava back together. But then I have to write in the scenes that balance out their relationship. I think she'd hate being in such a one-sided marriage long term.)

amother

↑ Burntblack ↓

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 4:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That’s the point. If it’s romance, let that slip slide
Also I was sure her symptoms were panic all along and once she married him they would stop

amother

↑ Burntblack ↓

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 4:18 pm

Also I would heighten the tension by letting the reader get to know the other boys a little- and how does Chava feel about them

amother

↑ Burntblack ↓

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 4:20 pm

Also you can have character development by having Chava change from a frum tznius by girl who doesn’t talk to boys into a mature adult woman who can handle a conversation w the boys without overstepping boundaries

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 4:24 pm

amother [ Burntblack ] wrote:

That’s the point. If it’s romance, let that slip slide
Also I was sure her symptoms were panic all along and once she married him they would stop

Chas Veshalom! Chava is a VERY frum girl. She would NEVER chat with a boy outside of dating or marriage.

In another version, a different girl takes in three bochurim but does flirt with them. It made Chava look even better by comparison, and made the bochurim in her apartment feel grateful for her restraint.

The panic attack angle was much more pronounced in a previous version of the story. Chava goes along with the diagnosis but gets suicidal from the medication. She realizes in a moment of lucidity, flushes the rest of the bottle, and stays in her room, afraid of herself, until it leaves her system. She knows when she tells Eli and co. about this, they won't believe her. They are skeptical and are not fully convinced it's not a panic attack until the first time they need to do CPR. But I couldn't find any good data on ruling out panic attacks, panic attacks are themselves a diagnosis of exclusion. Plus I felt that it might minimize the fact that panic attacks are a real disorder, not just in someone's head.

amother

↑ Burntblack ↓

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 4:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Chas Veshalom! Chava is a VERY frum girl. She would NEVER chat with a boy outside of dating or marriage.

. Plus I felt that it might minimize the fact that panic attacks are a real disorder, not just in someone's head.

Oh ok it’s your story you decide
I guess I was just projecting my life story in my advice
Also as a person who has had panic attacks, there was always a trigger. Could be being locked up in an apartment w ten guys would do that to your very frum heroine

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 4:31 pm

amother [ Burntblack ] wrote:

Only after she gets married. Remember that I'm the model for Chava (yeah right) and I can flirt with a statue if I let my guard down. She's already joking with them the minute she exchanges a few words!

The main character development she undergoes during these months is learning to value herself as a person, even when she is not accomplishing anything and is not productive in any way. She also learns to accept from others graciously (something I haven't quite learned myself).

If the marriage issue only comes up later, she might be able to be more mature about gender relationships, but she'll lose some of the romantic tension in the interim.

I also considered having some of the bochurim realize that emotional health is a real need too, and give her some support. But slippery slope, especially with a character like Chava.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 4:36 pm

amother [ Burntblack ] wrote:

I'm finding it amusing to be debating this seriously about a pathetic fantasy that has been living in my head.

I have a number of parallel versions of the storyline. In some she has these attacks before her roommate is due to arrive, and is hoping for support from her. In others, she is the unwanted intruder that gets shoved into an apartment full of bochurim.

Quote:

She can hardly believe this is finally happening. All the planning, shopping, goodbyes. She grips her suitcases tightly, and hurries after the brusque official who is showing her to her new room. Her curiosity about her new roommate is reaching a peak.

He indicates a door and swings it open. She walks inside, pushing one suitcase and pulling the other behind her, then suddenly stops short. The faces looking at her, in wide-eyed disbelief, are bearded, with black yarmulkas or hats perched on them. She drops her suitcase, turns and runs, catching the door right before it swings closed. The official mutters a curse, kicks her hard in the leg and shoves her back inside, to some gasps and exclamations from the stunned group. She stumbles, falling on top of her suitcases. The door slams shut and the click of the lock is heard clearly.

Flustered, she stands up, wincing a little at her new bruises, and defeatedly turns to face her new roommates.

--

She has her own room. For this she is infinitely grateful. It is small, sparse, still smells like the laundry room it used to be, but it is private. It even has a latch, which she uses every time she enters.

She is the new chef, a role that keeps her blessedly busy and able to drown out the rising sense of aloneness in a crowded apartment.

The version I posted first was the tightest plotline, but as you can see it could still use some work.

amother

↑ Orange

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 4:58 pm

Totally enjoyed, and I agree, she marries Eli if she marries anyone. If written for the general population and not med students, though, you need to slash the medical jargon and detail by 75% at least. You did say this was a romance and not MCAT for Dummies. You want some detail, for authenticity and tension, but after Chava's first few episodes my eyes glazed over and I skipped the medical conversations entirely while my brain was screaming " Dummkopf, ask her out, already!" And I have a science background. You would have lost a history major by the third page.

You really need to explain what's going on. Readers don't appreciate being kept in the dark, especially when the loose ends aren't tied up when the story is over. Were they in a concentration camp? Prison? Dead and in purgatory? Hostages kidnapped by Hamas terrorists and kept in an underground vault? Tourists trapped by floodwaters? Where did the other girls come from and why did they have to get married? Was there a nuclear holocaust and these were the last people left alive on Earth, needing to repopulate the planet asap? Why wasn't it at least a mar'is ayin problem for Chava to be in a locked apartment with a crowd of bocherim? Where did Chava get all the food to feed these guys for weeks and weeks?

WHY THE HECK DIDN"T ELI AND HIS PAL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR AND DEMAND CHAVA GO TO A HOSPITAL RIGHT AWAY INSTEAD OF WAITING TILL SHE ALMOST DIED SEVERAL TIMES OVER? This sheer, unmitigated irresponsibility, more than anything else, made the story utterly not believable. It might have been believable had you explained the dystopian circumstances, but as it was...no. I'm not buying it.

In short, you need an editor to help you with the inconsistencies, mysteries, loose ends and some grammatical errors like using "lay" when you should have used "lie", but the basic framework is good, your powers of description superb, your imagination amazing. Your writing may not be ready for publication but your potential is enormous.

Thank you for this evening's entertainment. I look forward to more--with greater clarity and less shop talk.

zaq ↓

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:03 pm

mommy2379 wrote:

Yea, re the romance aspect- there is no romance in the current version. IF she marries Eli and you elaborate on that then this piece could qualify as romance. But again, really enjoyed! Loved the dystopian aspects, would love if you could flesh that out more.

What, you don't think a bocher saving the life of a single girl is romantic in and of itself?

amother

Lily ↓

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:09 pm

Wow OP thank you so much for sharing, I was riveted!
You had my attention till the end, I liked all the medical stuff, I could tell you put a lot of research into that.
I am a sucker for romance, so maybe could you pretty please with sugar on top include maybe some dmcs throughout, and some more at the end, and have her marry Eli at the end???
You'd make my night!
And please share more stories!!

↑ zaq

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:12 pm

I happen to love novellas and short stories. I always want to know RIGHT NOW what happens in the end, and if that means staying up till 3 am to finish reading, so be it. Novellas allow me to read the whole story and still get to bed at a decent hour.

I'll suggest to my dc that they name my next granddaughter Novella. It has a certain ring to it, no?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:29 pm

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

Orange, you had me literally laughing out loud. Are you sure you majored in science and not English Lit?

To somewhat slake my insatiable need for drama, Chava had to have enough crises to kill an elephant. Without a generous helping of dystopia, it's hard to make that remotely plausible. It definitely needs more of a prologue to allow a reader to buy into that.

amother

Cherry

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 8:39 pm

Great work OP! Reminds me of the fantasies that I used to have, except I'm not as talented as you to write it down! Alas it shall stay in my mind only. Lol LOL

Rutabaga

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 9:25 pm

Fascinating! I would be curious to read more about the world they inhabit.

amother

Azure ↓

Mon, Sep 13 2021, 10:02 pm

I also really enjoyed it and couldn't stop till the end!
I would love to hear more about what part of a dystopia makes it impossible to call an ambulance.

↑ sequoia

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:29 am

I also wondered all night why the Jewish community, including rabbinic leadership, cooperated with the oppressors.
Why didn’t they say, no, we’re not pairing people off at random?

amother

↑ Jean ↓

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:15 pm

This was great! Never realized what I was missing in my life was a frum fantasy! (Being serious). But ...I get that the idea of a yeshiva bachur taking care of a lady is romantic on its face, but there was no actual romance. Please add more romance and then you have it made (in my mind!)

To respond to points raised by other posters, no, it was NOT too much medical detail. It was nicely realistic that way.

We definitely needed more background to have even basic understanding of what was going on. With your explanation of the govt restrictions, it made more sense. would love to read more about that. You are very talented!

amother

↑ Jean

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:16 pm

Oh, and the most realistic part of this? Definitely that the doctor blew her off and didn't take her seriously. A notorious problem, especially for women. That is a dystopia that is the real life experience of many women.

CatLady

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:57 pm

I devoured this like a bag of potato chips, despite the fact that I don't usually read fantasy, NA or books written in the present tense. That shows how talented you are! I loved the story and appreciated the fact that nothing was dumbed down - neither the religious nor the medical elements. But it's not a romance. There's not even a hint of flirting (which could be done so subtly that only the two parties involved would get the subtext) or an acknowledgement of attraction. Also, the title sounds like a rom-com. Something like "The Chosen Ones" might be more fitting (it's taken, but you get the drift)

If you're planning to let us read a future instalment, I hope it's about the mandatory marriages and how the people subvert the system to find happiness. This would use one of my fave tropes: disenfranchised women finding agency against the odds.

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