Need advice on handling situation

amother ↓

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 8:34 pm

My 10 yr. old son can at times be extremely stubborn. He was punished in school today and is very upset (angry at teacher and principal). Tonight he told me he has no english h.w. - I find out he does. He refused to do it. He said they punished me for no reason - I'm not doing it. What should I do? Literally stand over him and force him to do it - or as I told him he'll have to suffer the consequences in school. I called him into my room and told him calmly that he has two choices - either do his h.w. which will take him 15 min. and he'll come to school prepared and feel good tom. or if it's not done he will come to school - and right away be singled out for not doing it and he will have to suffer the consequence for that.

He is in bed now without his h.w. done.

I don't know if I did the right thing. Should I have made him do it - since this is what I told him to do and even if he doesn't want to do it he has to listen to his parents??

Any good advice?!?

shoy18

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 8:38 pm

amother wrote:

Did you find out what exactly he did or didn't do? maybe he has a legitimate reason for being upset and maybe you need to speak to the teacher and sort it out.

red sea ↓

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 9:12 pm

I think maybe talking to your son about handling the situation would be good. Understanding the feeling of injustice he is experiencing by those who he should be able to trust. Explaining that there will adults in his life who will make mistakes. They may choose not to believe you, but you (ds) know that truth is on your side. It is unfortunate that they do not know and choose not to believe you (ds) but you can feel confident in you are doing right and you just sometimes have to go along with things when there is nothing you can do about it.

Then the second conversation later after feeling better would be about how homework and school work in general is for yourself. Its the method of learning. What you learn in elementary school gives you basic skills that help you do whatever you decide to when you are an adult. But if I saw the child just really needed one night to let off the steam and would not have extra consequences (like would squeeze in the absolutely needed hw not to get in troublre the next day, I would let it go for one night.

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 10:07 pm

op here.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I feel much calmer already.

I do know what happened in school. (His version Wink

) He made some kind of noise in class - had a substitute and was sent to in school suspension for it. I do think it was a bit of an extreme punishment, but I told him - you did something wrong. We can't blame the school for punishing you since you did something you shouldn't have done in class (which he admitted to).

tovasmom

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 11:39 pm

The parenting books talk about "logical and natural consequences" for a child to be more meaningful than classic "punishment" I.e., if you don't study, you will get a bad mark, instead of , if you don't study I will take away your gameboy. This tends to be more meaningful to the child, who really does not want to get a bad mark. I have a ds who gets very angy when punished (by a parent or teacher) and seeks to "get even" for the punishment. He has told me "I didn't pay attention because I was angry at Rebbe" or the punishment will be followed by worse behavior and more punishment... Finally I saw that letting him soak in the consequences of his actions works really well (as long as no one's health or safety is involved) as he really does not want to get the bad mark. So you did exactly the right thing, and maybe he will have learned something from the experience.

↑ amother ↓

Thu, Feb 28 2008, 9:13 am

Quote:

I have a ds who gets very angy when punished (by a parent or teacher) and seeks to "get even" for the punishment. He has told me "I didn't pay attention because I was angry at Rebbe" or the punishment will be followed by worse behavior and more punishment... Finally I saw that letting him soak in the consequences of his actions works really well (as long as no one's health or safety is involved) as he really does not want to get the bad mark. So you did exactly the right thing, and maybe he will have learned something from the experience.

It sounds alot like my ds - but he makes it seem as if he doesn't care if he gets the bad mark - like last night he didn't do h.w and he knows he will suffer the consequence in school. That's why I was questioning myself - should I have insisted he do hw since that is what his parents told him to do even though he doesn't want to.

Imaonwheels

Thu, Feb 28 2008, 9:27 am

No. Definitely not. Homework at the end of the day is between the child and the Rebbe. I get very angry at teachers who make me responsible for this. Yes, you have to do it. Yes, it is wrong not to. Yes, you are the one that loses, not the melamed. But there comes an age where the kid has to go in and deal with his obligations to the outside world and 10 is a good age to learn.

When one of mine at 11 refused to do any h.w. the melamed said that he does not have to do it at home. If he prefers to do it during recess that is also ok. He will even sit with him and help on the days it is not his responsibility to supervise the playground. More or less solved the problem.

Fox

Thu, Feb 28 2008, 11:28 am

I have the same problem with DD, age 13. Elementary school has been a nightmare, and I daven that the more adult atmosphere of high school will help (she always responds better to being treated like an adult, and any hint of arbitrariness on the part of teachers makes her especially stubborn).

The problem, in my case, is 50 percent my daughter and 50 percent the school. It's true that DD is a challenging kid in many ways, but I have virtually no trouble with her at home. Many of her teachers, however, are not very good at classroom management, and seem to have no way to enforce discipline other than screaming, threats, and sending kids to the principal. This irks DD no end, which makes her even more stubborn.

While I would probably let the consequences occur naturally, I've spoken to a number of "kids at risk" at various stages of their "risk" to determine what makes the difference between a child who successfully negotiates the school system, etc., and one who doesn't. The consistent denominator among the "kids at risk" is that they all mentioned that they didn't feel like their parents were on "their" side when there was any kind of dispute with a teacher, principal, camp counselor, or whatever. Admittedly, my little "survey" was not scientific, but the people I spoke with were quite emphatic about this issue.

So the bottom line is that DH and I meet pretty regularly with the school. We endure all the snotty comments from teachers alluding to our apparent bad parenting, and I explain over and over that while I don't necessarily support any/everything DD does or says, my job is to be an advocate for her, and that while it may seem at times that I'm not as supportive as they'd like, my first job is to support DD. Some of the teachers "get" it and work with us; some just roll their eyes and "agree to disagree".

If it's only an occasional thing with your son, I'd ignore it. If it's part of something larger, you may want to initiate a conversation with the principal before you get called in. Good luck and much nachas in the future!

↑ amother

Thu, Feb 28 2008, 12:04 pm

Thank you all for your insight and replies.

My son b"h is a well behaved boy at home (for the most part Wink

) - this year school has not been that great for him. We just switched him out of Hebrew to another class since it was not "clicking" with the Rebbe.

I do agree with fox - and that is one of the reasons we switched him. It's very upsetting to me that he is so so upset at the school - principals - etc... (when he does have a bit of a right to be) but we as parents still insist on derech eretz and good behavior - even though he is not happy there right now.

Hopefully with a tremenous amount of davening and siyata dishmaya we will all be zoche to raise wonderful children.

Thank you all again