punishments | Imamother

Seraph

Sun, Feb 03 2008, 11:33 am

how do you punish your kids at different ages for misbehavior? do you think your method works?

I heard a story about rav yehuda ashlag (I think). when he would misbehave, his grandmother would tell him "I'm going to punish you for that". the next day, the grandmother would sit him down and go over with him what he did wrong and why it was wrong, and then say "because I love you I'm gonna have to punish you to teach you not to do that." and she'd even have him agree that he needed to be punished. and then she'd patch him (I think).

What do you think of such a story? good method or no?

mimivan

Sun, Feb 03 2008, 12:12 pm

It really depends on the age. I think what you described would work for five and up (I.e. with the delay) I like the fact she waited to ensure she wasn't punishing out of anger. Given the violent society we live in these days, a patch may well be out of place. Consequence based-punishments (I.e. if a boy gets into a fight at the park, he is not allowed to go to the park for several days or a week) I think work quite well for any age.

A kid younger than five I think should be "punished" the same day, because then they won't know why they are being "punished" and it may seem like spite. A non-consequence based "punishment" may also look like spite.

There was a mechanech in Chabad who suggested not using the word "punishment" He said we don't use the word punish often about Hashem, because everything he does is for the good and is ultimately for our benefit. This doesn't imply a liberal mode of parenting however---a person can adopt firm rules and consistent consequences for behavior without resorting to automatic responses...or "punishments" that aren't relevant to the situation.

B'kitzur, I think the story was pretty good, Breslov, depending on the age, except for the patch...(which in those days was perhaps more appropriate)

grin

Sun, Feb 03 2008, 12:44 pm

I've picked a few things over the years:

Don't punish out of anger - even if you're right, it will backfire.

Try to have the child suffer the consequences of his misbehavior (when appropriate), not punishment.

Even if you punish the "wrong" way (potch, etc), if it's done not from anger but becuase of true love for the child and the need to discipline, it won't have ill-effects. (I remember specific cases when I cried while punishing but was sure I was right; years later, the kid didn't remember the incident at all!)

try to make it age-appropriate
and ladies, never forget to daven!!