Son is being harrassed by classmates

amother ↓

Sun, Dec 09 2007, 1:29 pm

I've already involved the teacher (he is reluctant, and not on top of it, hasn't returned calls), involved the principal, who spoke to the boys that are doing it, and it didn't stop. I've suggested changing classes. The principal claims that that's running away from the problem, but I don't agree. I think he just probably doesn't want to change the class balance. I do not see this problem as presenting itself again the other class. Some of the other teachers in this grade seem to be more involved with their students.

My son is not a "nebby". He's sweet, cute, and socially fine. NOT a victim type. But he is very sad and cries when coming home lately, and can't get their taunts out of his mind. His support base in the class isn't strong, because two of his good friends transferred to another school. I actually think that in earlier grades, some of the boys were jealous of this group, and now are having their chance to get at the remaining member while he's without support.

My husband spoke to one of the parents. They were cooperative, but their son is still bothering mine. Has anyone successfully resolved such a problem?

su7kids ↓

Sun, Dec 09 2007, 1:55 pm

Is this in a Yeshiva, full day school, set up? Or do you have time to put your son in martial arts classes?

Toughen him up, rather than making other people change?

It doesn't mean he has to HURT them, it means he toughens up and learns how to handle himself better.

There are always going to be nasty kids in this world, so moving him from one class to another doesn't always resolve the problem.

yersp ↓

Sun, Dec 09 2007, 2:08 pm

My niece had to switch schools this year because of classmates that were taunting her too. It turned out that one of the principles had a pick on my niece and actually allowed the class queen and her two bully friends to taunt and torture my niece for the last couple of years. She's B"H much much happier in the new school.
If nothing will resolve you might have to switch your son schools. I see such a different child now with my neice than last year.

grin

Mon, Dec 10 2007, 11:44 pm

how old is your ds?
I disagree with the martial arts route. yes, it would "toughen him up" but it would also teach him to find solutions thru power . We try to teach "words before hands" = moach; lo koach - that's the Jewish way as opposed to "hayadayim - yedai Eisav"

soemitmes changing classes can do wondres.

↑ yersp

Mon, Dec 10 2007, 11:46 pm

rg wrote:

soemitmes changing classes can do wondres.

you're right! it can do wonders...................the problem is if theyre willing to switch him at all. My neice was supposed to have switched, she was all excited about it and last minute this principle decided that it wasnt necassary to mess up the balance of the classes.

↑ su7kids

Mon, Dec 10 2007, 11:47 pm

rg wrote:

The idea of Martial arts is not to teach him that this is a way to fight and solve problems, but to empower him within himself.

Very often kids who are picked on are "weak" and "whimpy", not saying this OPs child is, but it is worth giving him his own self worth this way.

roza ↓

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 1:32 am

How old is your son?

greenfire

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 9:11 am

hate to break it to you ... but boys do function in this way ... I'm bigger I'm stronger ... my son quite an intellectual was teased as well - and other's told me toughen him up ... I thought a bit cause it sounds like "fight, fight, fight" ... but boys respect boys who are tough and once my son started standing up for himself - he was no longer bothered ...

although he did change schools cause of the bullies on the schoolbus ride back home ...

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 10:00 am

My son is 10. My husband spoke to the parents again, lets see what happens today. The teacher hasn't called so far.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 1:24 pm

id say send ure son to a diff school. if the schoold doesnt care about it wju should the kids?/

Chani

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 1:33 pm

We were in this position a few years ago. For a year, we stuck it out, trying to work with the school, but honestly, what can they do? There's no way that a rebbe is going to be able to watch all of the boys 100% of the time so that nothing happens. We also got a little of the "what's he doing to cause them to pick on him" line. Well, we changed schools for the next school year, and everything was 100% fine from that point forward. I really just wish we had moved him mid-year instead of making him suffer for an entire school year, but I guess hindsight is 20/20.

ganizzy

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 4:32 pm

I dont have expirience with this bh but kids can be so cruel and not realize. if the parents are working with u maybe give them some of chaim walders stories for them to read WITH their sons. or go into the school and speak to the teacher directly so he has to deal with it. make up that instead of explaining the situation, ur son can make upa sign with him when hes being harassed so the teacher/recess supervisor can intervene bec the teacher cant notice everything. but bh ur son told u and is wiiling to do s/t abou it. thats a step.
good luck

happymom

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 8:30 pm

is there a different school he can go to? it doesnt spound like he has such a good teacher......

Tefila

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 11:00 pm

Quote:

Toughen him up, rather than making other people change?

It doesn't mean he has to HURT them, it means he toughens up and learns how to handle himself better.

There are always going to be nasty kids in this world , so moving him from one class to another doesn't always resolve the problem.

I do so agree and no it doesn't have to be martial arts u know. Honestly there will always be those type of bullies wether in camps, schools groups and one can't be their for their kid all the time. So he should be taught how to disregard ignore throw back a comeback etc rather then allowing others to hurt him so Sad

I would also look into a different school if there is a choice talking from experiance here, your child must be happy or at the very least content...........

↑ roza

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 2:39 pm

Here is what had worked for us.

We had a simmilar problem in one of my son's class, one boy was calling him names and telling him other mean things to get him annoyed. He did it when the teacher was not looking and so the teacher could not really do anything.

I made a table on the paper for my son (who was 11) to keep a log of all the incidents. The table included: date, describe what took place, who started, did you react, did the teacher see/do anything about it.
He was keeping this log for a week. Instead of reacting, he would fill in the info in the table. After a week or so, I made an appointment with the principal and showed him this log. I asked the principal to talk to the boys about those incidents and come up with some resolutions and consequences. It was very concrete and obvious on the paper. The principal made a copy, within few days called the boy and my son, had a talk. After this the other boy almost stopped to bother my son, except for few times which can be ignored.

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 4:09 pm

I hope I can write coherently as you are bringing up some very strong emotions in me. I apologize for being anonymous, but this is very personal information, and I hope you consider what I have to say.

I was bullied for a couple years as a child. The teachers and principals tried to brush it under the rug when my parents would bring it up. Although my parents did what they thought best, there was a lot going on, and they didn't realize the extent. It wasn't until I was an adult that I was even able to let them know what this bullying did to me. It ruined my self esteem as a child and teen (the scars of which still come up every now and then), put me in a deep depression, and looking back I can now say that I was probably even borderline suicidal. Seems extreme? I was your normal good kid, and still kept up pretty good grades and continued on in the top of my class. No one realized what I was going through inside. Today, people don't believe me when it comes up that I was bullied. "You?" But yes, it was a horrible time in my life. I finally switched schools which did wonders as no one knew me as the scapegoat, and I was finally able to be a normal kid again.

1. First and foremost, listen to your child (which it sounds like you are doing). Listen to his fears and complaints no matter how extreme they sound. Also realize that if he is being bullied, he may have a hard time taking any criticism or dissapointments at home, no matter how minor. His coping skills are being stretched to the limit and home is his safe haven where he needs to build up his confidence.

2. Document, document, document. It's the only way to really prove what is going on. A bully will use even smirks or "pareve" comments to further torment his prey in a way that the bully will not be able to be incriminated for it - but if it is part of a larger picture it will add up.
3. BE Your CHild's Advocate! If you feel another teacher will take care of the child better - INSIST that you change the class. You should also help your son become internally strong - confidence building in something he excells, martial arts, therapy, whatever works for him. But you need to stop the bullying before it does more damage! A normal person would never allow a child (or anyone) to suffer from a serious illness such as Yene Machla and only focus on strengthening the immune system - they would also work on fighting the illness! Or allow bullets to shoot at someone and just say "quick, put on a bullet proof vest!". So why is changing the class running away from the problem? And if the principal and teacher refuse to help - THAT is running away from the problem!!! There is a halacha Al Taamod Bdam Rayecha - and embarassing, taunting is like spilling blood. TELL THIS TO THE TEACHER AND PRINCIPAL. Every tear from the bullying is like another drop of blood being shed.

(4. This is in parentheses because while bullies often need no reason for bullying whatsoever, but at other times, while not looking to blame the victim at all, it could be possible that the victim is inadvertently instigating the bully, whether verbally or even by just being who he is, since very often bullies are insecure about a certain part of themselves and pick on another child who exemplifies this trait or talent. The victim may need someone to help him see where he may be socially awkward or even insensitive of another's situations. This does not excuse the bullying!!! But it can help your child become more sensitive to someone else's feelings and needs. )

mumoo

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 4:28 pm

amother above- I'm sorry for what you had to go thru; I really don't have enough words

you are so right that the mother has to insist that something be done
emotional pain is every bit as bad-or worse than physical pain

↑ amother

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 5:02 pm

roza wrote:

that's a wonderful idea! my 10-yr-old also is very sensitive and has probelms standing up for himslef. I think I'm going to suggest this to him. It both documents what's going on as well as giving him an outlet that helps him feel taht it will be taken care of and hopefully may keep him from lashing out.