How does DH react when teens are Chutzpahdik to you?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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When mother is badly insulted by teens and DH observes this

Ignore?

[ 1 ]

Show displeasure?

[ 1 ]

Show displeasure and reprimand?

31%

[ 5 ]

Show of displeasure and reprimand with consequence?

56%

[ 9 ]

Total Votes : 16

amother ↓

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 10:53 am

When you (the mother) are badly insulted by teens and DH observes this DOES HE- Which of the below (or specify if other) options?

Can you give me an idea of how your DH reacts when you are called an Idiot or worse, or when the teen ignores when you calmly ask the teen to do something with DH right there witnessing it.....

cindy324 ↓

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 11:33 am

Heaven help my kids when they open their mouths the wrong way!!

My Dh has no tolerance for chutzpah. He immediately reprimands AND doles out an appropriate punishment.

chocolate moose ↓

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 1:07 pm

Cindy, would he make house calls ???

Tamiri ↓

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 1:09 pm

I think fathers should make it clear that mother is NEVER to be insulted, or the kids will have to deal with HIM.
My husband is not like that Sad

greenfire

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 1:09 pm

he'd probably find a way to blame me - or say that I deserved it ...

peach

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 1:14 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

Cindy, would he make house calls ???

Good one, cm! LOL

↑ chocolate moose

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 2:18 pm

Well............

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 2:27 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

Well............

Sounds like I've got a husband with the same personality type. Why??? do they do this at the risk of their children's Chinuch AND the relationship with their wives?

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 2:33 pm

greenfire wrote:

he'd probably find a way to blame me - or say that I deserved it ...

Unfortunately, I've been in that sitch.

↑ cindy324

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 5:36 pm

LOL CM! My oldest is only 12, we'll see how it's gonna be when they turn your kids' age!

Tefila

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 5:37 pm

Quote:

Heaven help my kids when they open their mouths the wrong way!!

Oh yes

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 6:12 pm

cindy324 wrote:

LOL CM! My oldest is only 12, we'll see how it's gonna be when they turn your kids' age!

The kids get gutsier but the husband's response doesn't change. My DH has always been very passive. He can be called senile himself and ignore it, and think he's doing the right thing. We went to R' Brezak's classes and R' Brezak said to melt your kids with kindness, never to give Mussar, and to play dumb, so the situzation has gotten worse. Yippee! Rolling Eyes

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Dec 11 2007, 6:24 pm

Nothing. Not. A. Thing.
Not only that, but if I banish them to their room, or whatever, he is always trying to plea-bargain for them, arrange ways for them to earn back whatever privilege they lost, etc. Honestly, the man should have been a criminal lawyer, he's such a bleeding heart.
At least it's some consolation to know others are in the same boat.

So, moms with hubbies who do not defend their wives' honor, do you defend theirs? I do, always. They're chutzpadik to dh much less than they are to me, maybe b/c I'm the only one who ever tries to impose any kind of discipline. I'm always the one to say "don't you dare talk to your father that way." he has never said 'don't talk to your mother that way'.

↑ Tamiri

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 1:13 am

We have been married for nearly 25 years, I think (lost count). Just recently my DH has started to be proactive in this matter. I demanded it. I got fed up with always doing the disciplining. I think it's a matter of how you were brought up. I don't think there was too much chinuch (maybe it wasn't needed) in the household my DH was brought up in. He came out fine but is not much of an authoritarian.
It irks me no end to hear my kids and the kids in other observant family being so chutzpadik to their parents. How can this be? We never DARED speak like this. I was even punished once for walking away from my mother in a chutzapadik manner (she claimed I wiggled my tush at her, and she was right!
What has happened?

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 2:04 am

amother wrote:

New amother here. I'm also in the same boat. But not cos he has a bleeding heart (he won't give in to their pleas). Just cos he cant be bothered to say anything. Same here. I also wont let em talk like that to their father. But me? Im just the dishrag.

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 7:40 am

amother wrote:

Im just the dishrag.

OP here. You couldn't have put it better. My question is - if we take the famous Parenting expert R' Brezak approach, we'll only become more of a dishrag! Am I not getting his approach? Am I not chapping something?

Can s/o who is familiar with his approach please clarify. To ME- it seems like he suggests to be easygoing, no matter what, and the relationship will improve leading to less Chutzpah, which hasn't worked for me at all. Did I get it wrong?

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 7:12 pm

Dh is not likely to say anything, or says it so halfheartedly that its the same as keeping quiet.
HOWEVER, I do not let them get away with it. I am no dishrag and they will treat me with respect because I demand it.

Question to those of you whose children are disrespectful: How does your dh treat YOU?
I have a friend whose dh talks down to her and treats her like garbage-so naturally, the kids do to (he has said that she has to learn to stand up for herself-I agree-but to him as well as the kids).

Motek

Thu, Dec 13 2007, 4:54 pm

amother wrote:

We went to R' Brezak's classes and R' Brezak said to melt your kids with kindness, never to give Mussar, and to play dumb, so the situzation has gotten worse. Yippee! Rolling Eyes

Call him up.

gryp

Thu, Dec 13 2007, 5:04 pm

My kids aren't near the teenage years but if any of us were ever chutzpahdik as teens to my mother in front of my father, my father would first turn pale as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing, then snap to attention, and give us what for (in a speech). And then came the punishment.

If we were chutzpahdik to my father, my father would sigh, take a breath, and let us know what would happen as a result of the chutzpah.

As kids we were trained to say "Yes, Mommy" or "Yes, Tatty," and be silent otherwise. If we had a problem we were free to talk about it at a different time.

We were not chutzpahdik very often.

Anybody else's childhood like that too?

↑ amother

Thu, Dec 13 2007, 6:33 pm

Motek wrote:

amother wrote:

We went to R' Brezak's classes and R' Brezak said to melt your kids with kindness, never to give Mussar, and to play dumb, so the situzation has gotten worse. Yippee! Rolling Eyes

Call him up.

Believe me I've tried. He lives in EY and doesn't communicate w. people one on one in the US. I've sent a fax and haven't been answered. Being that each situation is very different and what works in one home, doesn't neccessarily work in another, I gained little from the sessions. If a/o knows of a way to reach him from the US, please let me know. We offered to pay for a consultation one on one.

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