Parents getting involved in kids fights...URGH!

amother ↓

Sat, Nov 10 2007, 7:49 pm

There are a few parents at my shul that get involved in every fight their kid has with another kid. Today a woman came over to me and told me my daughter said she wasn't her daughters friend. What should I do? SHe didn't hit, bite, or do anything harmful. The parent looked really annoyed with me because I simply told her I don't get involved in my kids fights. Was I wrong?

↑ amother ↓

Sat, Nov 10 2007, 8:16 pm

I do step in, if I hear or see my child doing something that isn't nice. How else will she learn that such behavior isn't nice? Obviously, I'm not there all the time, but if I do hear about something unkind, it's the perfect opportunity to explain how to treat others.

Every mother I know that says, "I never get involved, kids will be kids, etc.," has a kid other parents and kids want to avoid.

Tefila ↓

Sat, Nov 10 2007, 8:31 pm

Quote:

Today a woman came over to me and told me my daughter said she wasn't her daughters friend. What should I do?

Tell your daughter that hurts sometimes more then a physical fight Confused

and she should apologise and be nice to other kids Exclamation

How would she like if someone said that to her Confused

and imo as a mother if u don't teach her this then she won't learn it from anywhere else.
In lots of cases it is sheer laziness on a parents part when they say that they don't want to get involved, now if she was a teen I'd agree but not at such a young age Sad

↑ amother ↓

Sat, Nov 10 2007, 8:41 pm

I was the first amother who responded to this thread and I was thinking of an older child, lets say 10ish.

with youger children you do need to get more involved because they need that guidance.

one thing you have to realize is that each parent only hears one side of the story and there is always something else we don't know about which is why I originally said I agreed with OP.

for example, kid B may have said "I'm not your friend anymore" after
kid A spat at him/ hit him/ said something very hurtfull etc.

not saying he did, but its something to consider.

My first question I always ask my kids is "why did he say/do that"
sometimes the response can be quite enlighting
sometimes the response is to look away and get uncomfortable Wink

and sometimes the other kid really was at fault but kids need to learn how to handle and fight their own battles.

however if I actually 'hear' a kid saying something especially a 5 year old I'll step in and be mechanech my child.

↑ amother ↓

Sat, Nov 10 2007, 8:43 pm

GR wrote:

I agree with you amother. Not getting involved doesn't mean too lazy to deal with it, it means not interested in working it out with the other parent. You can talk it through with your daughter and let her settle it herself.

yeah its each parents responsibility to work with their own child, not the other parent.
On the other hand I was approached by a mother who admited yes her son has been giving mine a hard time and getting physical.
I just couldn't seem to understand what she was actually doing to rectify the situation other then try and explain to me why he behaves that way Confused

shanie5

Sat, Nov 10 2007, 8:45 pm

when my oldest dd was in 4th grade, she and a friend made a club that excluded one girl in the class (only 5 girls total in the class). I told dd that if 1 girl is excluded, she cannot be part of the club. the other girl was allowed in, and today, she is really the only one my dd keeps up with.
I dont usually get involved in my kids fights, but I do try to find out why they exclude s/o or treat them not nicely. this is done in private.
I had another situation where a different daughter was being treated badly by her classmates -to the point that other mothers were calling me to inform me that they did not like what was happening. in this case, I called the mother of the instigator and discussed the problem with her. she was BH open minded and had no idea her dd was doing this. after talking w/ her dd, the girls became friends.

I do not call mothers who attitude is " my kid wouldnt do that"-and I know too many of those.....

↑ amother ↓

Sat, Nov 10 2007, 9:06 pm

amother wrote:

Quote:

In lots of cases it is sheer laziness on a parents part when they say that they don't want to get involved

you know it just occured to me something

when I say "I don't get involved in my kids fights"
its a little different then when the bully of the class's mom says the same thing.

so I guess it all depends on the situation and the kid

Funny thing is, the mothers of the bullies and the queen bee girls never think their kids are bullies or queen bees. So when they say they don't get involved, it's because they think kids will be kids, and parents should let them fight their own battles. Too bad the other kids and parents don't see it that way, while their kids are getting beat up, teased or excluded.

workingallthetime

Sat, Nov 10 2007, 10:58 pm

my mother had a policy of only getting involved if there was blood. if she saw one of us misbehaving, she would of course speak with us, but if she saw someone else's kid not being nice, she would usually leave that to the other parent, and wouldnt call another parent on those kinds of things. Ill never forget a new family moved into the neighborhood, and the mom called my mother who was a bit stressed with lots of little kids close in age, and the lady (who had 2 kids) was like, your son is not my son's friend, and my mother said, was there blood? meanwhile, my brother came home that day with a concussion from being knocked out by this lady's son who was a terror!!!

I agree that parents need to get involved if there is bullying or other similar behaviour going on, but for minor childhood issues that all kids go through I think its silly for parents to get involved.

↑ Tefila

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 12:51 am

amother

Quote:

southernbubby

Quote:

Children should not be allowed to fight their own battles. They should be taught not to fight battles! If you get a call from a parent complaining about your child, agree to do something. Usually, it is a 2 way street and both kids are guilty and both need to be taught how to deal with provocation.

Thank-You

I was begining to think that I was alone on this Exclamation

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 2:21 am

first person who responded here again.

look I'm of two minds on this topic. I don't think there is any clear one answer, it depends on the situation.

there are kids that are very sensitive and complain a lot and rather then give them the tools to learn how to handle the nasty girls or boys in the class the parents are always jumping to their defence.

my daughter is not a bully, she is generally a nice kind girl with a huge heart. I remember one year she came home upset because the teacher had called her aside telling her that ..(lets call her chani) chani's mother called to complain that my daughter was being mean to her.

now generally my daughter got along well with that girl. It happened one time that chani got into a fight with my daughter's friend and my daughter was trying to defend her. but after it was over my daughter had gone up to Chani and apologized and tried to make up with her.
now Chani apparently gets insulted very easily.
so even though my daughter apologized she still complained to her mother who called the school to say my daughter was being mean to her daughter.

now personally I think the mother went over board by calling.
if it was an ongoing thing, if my daughter was continuously being mean to her then I would accept she needed to make the call but ONE time? shock

.. and with a girl like my daughter that generally tried to include and be nice to other girls.
actually if anything when it comes to bullying, my daughter is generally one of the targets.
I only make a call to the school if its a clear case of bullying or an ongoing thing that is making her miserable. Otherwise, she also needs to learn how to cope with the world, instead of running to mommy each time she gets hurt.
I'll protect her when it goes overboard but for the little things here and there, no, I don't get involved.
If I hear that she did something nasty to someone then yes I will speak to her, but I will not involve myself in a back and forward "your daughter did this or that" fight.
I'll educate my child and thats it, without it getting between me and the other mother

↑ amother

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 2:26 am

I should add, that one time I did get involved with a mother, when she took it upon herself to try and educate my child without first discussing the problem with me.

I felt that was out of line.

oh and btw, it was a mother who always makes these big claims she doesn't get involved in her kids fights LOL

at the end of the day she was listening to everything her daughter was telling her, and passed judgement on mine without taking into account the other side of the story. (and boy was there another side)

↑ gryp

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 9:44 am

amother wrote:

Quote:

In lots of cases it is sheer laziness on a parents part when they say that they don't want to get involved

In my experience, the reason why parents are in denial about their precious kids being bullies or queen bees, is because the parents are like that too, and still doing it. Rolling Eyes

Clarissa

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 9:53 am

GR wrote:

amother wrote:

Quote:

In lots of cases it is sheer laziness on a parents part when they say that they don't want to get involved

In my experience, the reason why parents are in denial about their precious kids being bullies or queen bees, is because the parents are like that too, and still doing it. Rolling Eyes

Excellent point. I'm the amother who made the post about bullies and queen bees, and there are bullies I know whose fathers are also bullies at home, and whose mothers revel in exclusion of other adult women. They often learn by observation, and/or by stretching their wings and doing rude things, and noting that their parents don't step in.