Chesed begins at home?

suomynona ↓

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 9:31 am

I'm wondering what you ladies think about this.
I live in Israel and my sister is in seminary here for the year. I was really excited about her coming, first of all, because I don't have family here, but also because I can really use her help.
Her sem, like most, has a chesed program where they place them at families to help them for a few hours on Thursday afternoon. I was hoping that she would be able to come to me as her "chesed job". I had heard that the sem doesn't really like placing the girls at family, but I figured that I'd be able to convince them to let her come to me because I really need her help. In fact, I desperately need her help. I don't have time to make shabbos unless someone helps watch my son Thursday afternoon because I work whenever my son is not around (mornings and nights). Btw, I'm also 39 weeks pregnant.
Anyway, it turns out that they only place the girls at families with lots of children. When my sister made a special request to come to me, the person in charge told her that there's nothing she can do - once in a while they make an exception and send to a family with 3 or 4 children, forget about 2!
For girls who want to help out at family, they suggest that they go after they finish helping at their assigned families, since they have the entire afternoon off. So that's what my sis will be doing. So far she changed schedules on me 3x, every time her main chesed "job" changed her mind about what time she should come.
It just bothers me. Why should I have to work around this stranger's schedule, and why should I only have her help for part of the afternoon, when she could be helping me all afternoon? For the one year that I have one measly family member in the country! And it's not like she can help me every other afternoon during the week. She's swamped with school work.
Besides for the fact that I want her help, I think it's the wrong message to give to the girls. When they get married iy"h, their main chesed priority should be their families. They won't necessarily have time to do chesed for strangers at all.
(Also, and this is speculation because I don't know the chesed families and their situations, but 1) I really think I have less time than some people who have a bunch of kids. From reading this site and hearing the things people actually have time for, and from seeing people around
2) many people here are being supported financially by parents in the US. Since I am not, I work full time and that's why I could use some help. The sems encourage marrying someone who learns in kollel and to support them, so is it the right message not to be willing to send help to a full-time working mom ? I don't want this to turn into a discussion about kollel and working mothers, so please don't respond about that.)

Tamiri

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 9:46 am

suomynona wrote:

It just bothers me. Why should I have to work around this stranger's schedule, and why should I only have her help for part of the afternoon, when she could be helping me all afternoon? For the one year that I have one measly family member in the country! And it's not like she can help me every other afternoon during the week. She's swamped with school work.
Besides for the fact that I want her help, I think it's the wrong message to give to the girls. When they get married iy"h, their main chesed priority should be their families. They won't necessarily have time to do chesed for strangers at all.
(Also, and this is speculation because I don't know the chesed families and their situations, but 1) I really think I have less time than some people who have a bunch of kids. From reading this site and hearing the things people actually have time for, and from seeing people around
2) many people here are being supported financially by parents in the US. Since I am not, I work full time and that's why I could use some help. The sems encourage marrying someone who learns in kollel and to support them, so is it the right message not to be willing to send help to a full-time working mom ? I don't want this to turn into a discussion about kollel and working mothers, so please don't respond about that.)

The only problem here is that she came to SEMINARY for a year, not to help you out. Whoever is paying for her program wants her IN THAT PROGRAM. Otherwise, they could have easily given her a ticket to come to Israel to do what she pleases.
I think you are in a very tough situation and I think it would be wise to find a girl in your neighborhood who is willing/able to do a true chessed, without it being part of school "credit". Your poor sister must be so torn!

anuta

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 9:51 am

I would write a letter to her teacher who denied her assignment, with all your arguments; and it would be nice if you could support them with quotes from Jewish sources. And send a copy of this letter to the teacher's boss or even several bosses (seminary director, etc.)

It is true, I have learned that you have to first help your family, then people in your city, then all the Jews, then the world....
If you say (very convincingly, to me for instance) that you do desperately need your help, how can they judge that you do not, or that somebody else needs your help more?

shoshb

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 10:14 am

Since the seminary can't realistically evaluate every family, and all the different factors in their lives, they need rule of thumb guidelines as to who they will give "Chesed" hours to, and to some extent, they've made the arbitrary rule of "many children". As you say, someone can have 10 children with 2 ozerets, loads of family and family money, whereas someone can have 2 children with no emotional or financial support, a hidden illness, and needs much more help. But the seminary can't know that.

Suomynona, if your sister wern't in Israel, or if she was in a seminary far from you, you would have found a way to manage, so you may just have to pretend she's not there!! I understand your frustration, but I don't think it'll do too much good to start up with the sem about this.

The only thing you can do, is ask your sister to ask her assigned Chesed family to please be more consistent with their schedule, as she has an other family that needs her help.

In my mind, this is part of what's wrong with "formal Chesed". To me, true chesed is seeing a need and filling it, even when you don't get credit for it.

mimivan

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 10:23 am

GR wrote:

Suomynona, you are absolutely right. I have no idea who decided that a family with more children needs more help than a family with just one or two. Older siblings can help younger ones but a toddler can't watch himself!

I felt vindicated when a woman with a large family said of my two boys (both climbers)...(she was speaking in terms of physical activity) "One of yours is like two of mine!" Every family is different, why do they base it on the number of kids. Even a five year old can sweep and do some simple chores...having one little one while pregnant or a baby and a toddler is not easy.

smiley:) ↓

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 10:48 am

Suomynona-
I saw your message before anyone responded and I thought I'd be the only one to say I totally agree with you. I am very pleased to see that I am in the majority though. When I was in sem I was sent to a family of 4 kids. The mother went to sleep and I was supposed to peel veggies or get beaten up by the kids. I just had enough and left. I never told my sem. I just went to help my sister who had ONE kid... not the easiest kid. But I felt there was nothing wrong with me enjoying myself while I help a family member. I dont know where the sem draws the line 2 kids is not ok to go to, 3? not so great either. 4? borderline! I remember my sem was going to send me to a family with 1 deaf kid. Now anyone could use chesed but why this person more than others? Who can decide who needs chesed more than the next one?
If a person is doing "chesed" but feeling grudges because of it then something is wrong with the chesed program! Who is a chesed coordinater to say to someone "no you dont need chesed." That person should learn to do some chesed! I think it';s a bit pathetic that a seminary (and I know all sems do) need to have a PROGRAM. If a person wants to do chesed great. But I think most girls feel forced to. Go to the park near your house on a monday afternoon (as u know I know your neighborhood) and you can see local sem girls doing "chesed" with ppl from the neighborhood. Let's just say I would pass on having my kids watched by them. They dont want tobe there and it shows.
I dont think anyone can judge if you need chesed or not. If you can use help that's all that counts.

shalhevet

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 11:18 am

Su, every single word of your post is 100% correct.

It is irrelevant how much some other family needs help, the halacha is aniyei beischa kodmin. (Apart from which you certainly do need the help.) I would call up whoever is in charge of the chessed program (without your sister's knowledge) and tell them all this. If that doesn't work I would call up the rav running the sem (who most probably doesn't know about this policy). It is simply against halacha. Nekuda. And so it is giving the girls the wrong message. The message that the world loves - leave your kids with a babysitter so that you can bake a cake for the woman down the block who just gave birth. Ask your husband to stay home from kolel and watch the kids so you can go visit the old lady down the street. Pick up the phone and organize some committee, but you don't have time to call your mother. Rolling Eyes

To the poster who said what if her sister wasn't here this year - that's ridiculous; she is here. So her sister has to help people according to a halachic priority. There are another thousand families in Yerushalayim whom she could help, but she can only help one.

Personally I think someone in their ninth month with a toddler and a full time job supporting Torah is a good candidate.
Believe me, it's much easier now with 6 kids, bli ayin hara, when I have older dds who I can ask to watch the little ones while I rest or get something done, than when I was pregnant and/or after birth with my second or third.

Twizzlers

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 1:58 pm

Although I do agree with you, Suo, you have to realize that the seminary wants the girls to do actual chessed. Now most girls would rather say they have to help a relative, and in the meantime hang out in the relatives house, do their laundry, eat a decent meal, stock up on nosh for the dorm...etc. That is why they discourage girls from doing "chessed" by relatives. I know this from experience. I was in seminary in Israel too.
I'm not trying to say you dont need or deserve the help. I think you absolutely do. But you can calmly call up the dorm counselor or whoever gives out the chessed assignments and explain that you truly need your sisters help and that the hours she spends by you will be helping not partying. Thats all the seminary really cares about. That they help someone in need.

dveikus

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 2:24 pm

How does your sister feel about working two chesed jobs instead of one? If your sister has the afternoon off after her chesed job, I don't think it's automatic that she should have to come help you. Maybe she wants to go to the Kosel, and why shouldn't she?

As for the seminary, imagine how overwhelmed you feel now with two children - and then imagine you had three more children in addition to the ones you have. That's how the other mothers feel, and that's why the chesed goes to them first. But I think it would be a good idea to call them and explain your situation, and see if they'll agree top let your sister come to you - that would be better for you AND your sister!

If things at home are too hard for you to manage without help, consider sitting down with your husband and looking for other solutions. Perhaps you could find room in the budget to hire some help, or perhaps he would agree to store-bought challah, a simpler menu, and no guests (other than your siste). Try to work with the resources you already have and try to find solutions that don't necessarily involve your sister.

amother

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 2:38 pm

I have a problem with the demanding of Chessed. Does not sound nice. And I have a problem with expecting a sister BECAUSE she is a sister, to come and do your work for you. I know it's tough but that's life, just because little sis is here doesn't mean it's okay to unload like that. I feel sorry for the younger sister who has to deal with this. I can't imagine that you are the only one in this situation, and the seminary probably has many kvetchy pregnant and otherwise overworked family members to deal with so they go according to protocol. You could always call the sem and state your case but isn't that embarassing? Maybe she could cut class and come help you out.
Anon so I won't be harassed.

newmom ↓

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 2:56 pm

I completely agree with suono! Like one previous poster said- call the sem and tell them you need the help and your sister isn't coming over to take a 4 hour nap.
Stickyfingers, I find your post completely off base. Why should she sit down and find new solutions when clearly the solution is that all she needs is her sis's help.

My seminary didn't let me do the kind of chesed that I wanted to and sent me to a local family where I had to polish their silver instead. Let me tell you, I really resented it and it put a bad taste in my mouth. (come to think of it, I wonder if I went to the same sem as she is in.)