Mommy doesn't daven

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Mommy doesn't daven

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amother

Lemon ↓

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 8:07 pm

I just don't.
I don't have time and I have emotional difficulty with it.
But I would like my kids to.
Today they were talking (6 and 8) and they were like Mommy doesn't daven so I don't have to either.
What can I say to them?
Please don't tell me to daven even for their sake - I've been struggling with this for 10 years and I just can't do it at this point.

das

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 8:13 pm

"Do as I say and not as I do," unfortunately doesn't work.

If you truly CAN'T daven, pretend to.

happyone

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 8:15 pm

You can say that mommy's daven with their words as they cook, clean, do laundry, dress children , bathe etc. As they are busy 16 hours a day. Children and Tottys make time to daven.

amother

Mustard

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 8:17 pm

I don't force my kids because that is part of what led to my emotional issues with it.

If they ask I might say a mommy doesn't have to because she's busy taking care of her kids.

Sometimes I daven together with them, that way they see me davening and I don't feel triggered the way I would if I'd have to pick up a siddur and do it on my own.

4pom

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 8:22 pm

Daven with them. Sing the songs with them. Pretend. (If you cant. Drop it. )
And add a part of personal request at end. ( an idea. Not if you cant. )

pesek zman

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 8:24 pm

Disagree with the suggestion to fake it. Explain that you daven all day, every day. You are constantly asking Gd to watch over them, your family, your home, your livelihood as you strive to raise His children. That you daven differently, when you light candles (and/or bake challah) and when you do special Mommy mitzvos.

Kiwi13

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 8:45 pm

I agree with previous posters that it's a good opportunity for a talk about the idea that davening can take many different forms. It might actually make the concept of davening more real to them than obligatory rambling words off a page.

amother

Gray

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 8:50 pm

As a child, I saw my mother spend her time when she wasnt busy with us kids chatting on the phone or reading. She hardly ever davened. I was resentful when she made me daven and would not have bought the "mommies daven in their own way thing." I'd also have rather spoken to Hashem in my own words than read what for me as a kid was boring.

I still struggle with davening today. I see friends whose mothers swayed over their siddurin with concentration in fron of their kids do daven with kavanah today. Its not foolproof but...

If you want your kids to daven formally, you need to model it. There's no way around it.

erm

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 8:55 pm

Why do you want your kids to daven if you have a problem with it? What makes it so important? If you feel it is important then why are you not making an effort to work on your own? Perhaps the first step is to work on your relationship with Hashem.

Aylat

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 9:49 pm

amother wrote:

"I wish I davened every day from a siddur. It's something I'm not good at and I'd like to improve in. I think it's really important because [in your own words]. It's not always easy to do though. If you like we can make you a davening chart and you can choose a prize each week you daven every day (or whatever)."

As an aside OP, is this about davening in school or at home/shul on Shabbat or during holidays? If the latter, I don't think I would choose to make it a focus for this age children. I think the informal and emotional aspect is much more important. Say aloud in your kids' hearing things like, "Wow, these biscuits look delicious, thank you Hashem! Baruch ata..." "Oh no, we're running late, please Hashem let there be no traffic!"

Iymnok

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 12:24 am

Shema and Shmona esrei.
Don’t worry about kavana and wearing socks.
Being dressed as if before a king has caused me to not daven too many times.
Dd loves to daven standing next to me. That realy should motivate me, but it so doesn’t.

Ruchel

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 2:38 am

They also see you don't go to shul and (at leats the boys above a certain age) they go; it's ok to have different halachos. You can tell them you hold (married?) women daven xyz. I try for shema and a personal demand. I still remind the kids to daven. Why? Because they're not me.

smilingmom

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 5:39 am

Does their father go to shul or Daven at home?
Do they Daven in school?
If yes, let it go.
They have some good role models in davening.
The rest will come on its own.
Just explain to them that you Daven on your own time.

PinkFridge

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 5:59 am

Iymnok wrote:

I second this.
The most RW rabbanim tell busy mothers that they can do the Reader's Digest version. I've heard someone say, say one Shemone Esrei a day and if it's maariv that works, great.*

I'm not saying you should daven maariv or even try for one Shemone Esrei a day, just the principle.

Do say something formal, and don't wait for kavana. Assure your children that you do talk to Hashem, formally and informally, and that depending on people's situations (you do not have to elaborate and say x number of kids/obligations/personal relationship with davening) at different stages in life, we might subtract from what we started with. They otoh are at the learning stage with no obligations and distractions because you are there.

Now if they call your bluff and say, we'll watch the baby for you or behave, then hey, do it one day. You don't have to say everything. Again, Shema and Shemone Esrei. Your kids don't have to have a clue of what you are or aren't thinking, though it would be great if you could use this time to talk to Hashem. And that includes kvetching and arguing.

Hatzlacha!

* IMPORTANT ETA: I believe I remember this. Even if I were 100% I'm not quoting the someone so this is not halacha l'maaseh, just a possible option to explore.

Last edited by PinkFridge on Sun, Aug 19 2018, 7:41 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Lemon

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 7:35 am

Thank you for all the responses.
Yes, they daven in school and sometimes at home and their father davens in shul 3x a day. I davened on tisha bav with them. I will on RH and YK.
Thanks

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 8:21 am

Also have a hard time. My new thing I am trying now is seven minutes of davening in the morning. Usally once I start I give it another seven minutes,

saralem

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 8:29 am

How about saying morning brachos with a siddur, in the kitchen? Maybe while they eat breakfast?

luckymom1

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 8:32 am

A rav of mine once said that when he asked a Gadol about Davening the Gadol (I'm sorry I don't recall which one) said before age 16 Davening inside the Siddur is not expected to be appreciated or valued. I ask my kids, did you speak to Hashem today? And I am mindful to thank Him aloud. They do the same. Beh one day as they grow up and mature they will Daven within the text.

WastingTime ↓

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 9:00 am

I have the SAME problem. My 14 yr old just saw me daven on Shabbos ( I got to the point where I can make the effort to daven its just so became off my radar that I forget before work) and said "you don't daven during the week do you?"
I felt very uncomfortable...said " I try to"
I have boys so they TG go to shul with my husband so it's less of an issue..

I especially feel bad abt it now bc I'm pregnant and feel like I must daven for the baby

↑ WastingTime

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 9:02 am

amother wrote:

Also have a hard time. My new thing I am trying now is seven minutes of davening in the morning. Usally once I start I give it another seven minutes,

7 min is a ton!
Ideal for me is brachos shema shmoneh esreh which practically would be under or just 7 min

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