Bothered by Neighbors kimcha d'pischA

amother

Lemon

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 9:59 pm

I totally get you OP, I think people who are so quick to say you don't know their story are saying that because they don't know anyone who matches the description. My parents have adopted the same attitude as your neighbors and it embarrasses me to no end. Work? But why?? Look at all you can get for free if you just sit back and relax! Sorry to burst people's theories of dan lechaf zechus but there are able bodied and mentally sound adults out there who stopped working or barely work because you can get so much more via tzedakah than you can ever get by working your tuchus off.

Instead of organizations going over the top with donations, more time should be spent helping these people help themselves and to not let them rely on these organizations year after year. It causes huge shalom bayis problems between DH and me, what am I supposed to do? But he despises going there for Pesach while they flaunt and show off all the wonderful things they got for free by signing up with multiple organizations. And us? My daughter looked in the freezer tonight to see what I'd prepared for Pesach. "Hmmm, let's see for Pesach it looks like we'll be having...chicken! What a surprise! And what's this that Mommy prepared? More chicken! And in back of that? Chicken and potatoes....chicken in duck sauce.....and wait! No, it's just more chicken". Rolling Eyes

Dandelion1

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 10:01 pm

Where I come from there is a lot of chessed done, packages for chagim, etc. but I've never seen anything lavish as OP describes.

But if that is indeed the case in some areas, I don't understand why people are saying OP is wrong for being annoyed. It's just basic mathematics. There is endless need and deprivation the world. If our tzedakah dollars are spent in the manner op describes, then by definition, it is not available for others who desperately need it as well.

Yes, I would be upset to hear that my tzedakah money was going to buy food for a family that was then in a position to spend on non-essentials. Not because I can't "fagin" anybody their nice clothing, but because there are absolutely other families and causes out there which need help as well. When tzedaka is used without proper discretion, there is that much less of it to go around. Someone else IS doing without.

amother

Teal ↓

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 10:35 pm

aleph wrote:

I really wonder where OP lives. I am part of the Yeshivish community and I have never heard of lavish packages either. The organizations that I know of only provide the real basics needed for Yom Tov.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 10:53 pm

Can someone please explain this coupon thing to me? I thought coupons are something anyone can use. Store has coupon for thing, if you get ahold of the coupon, you use it and voila, discount. So what is everyone talking about here with being "eligible" for coupons?

To the op, it's frustrating, it's annoying, but stewing in resentment never did anyone any good, least of all yourself. First of all, I've read enough awful threads here to know there are some really useless husbands out there who don't work and don't do anything at home either and the wife is falling apart doing everything because someone has to be the adult. Perhaps that's what's going on here? We can kick and scream all day that he should man up, but if it isn't happening, if his own family can't even make it happen, at least let them have a break this one time a year. Think of it as helping them, not the useless husband.

If that's not enough for you, try to remember that most people taking tzedaka really do need it. Yes, we need to be careful about disbursing funds and not wasting and of course there need to be systems in place to prevent fraud and abuse. But there will ALWAYS be someone who slips through the cracks and finds a way to cheat the system. There's only so much we can do to prevent it, it's not an indictment of the program if a few undeserving individuals get through. I'd rather that than something so onerous that those who deserve help can't get it. You know the saying better 10 guilty people go free than 1 innocent go to prison? I think that applies to tzedaka too. I'd rather see a few undeserving people slip through than be so tightfisted that people who really do need can't get any help.

amother

↑ Jade ↓

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 10:54 pm

Op here. I live in Monsey, my neighbors are from the skvere community. Many of the packages come from skvere organizations which they are known to be over the top. Ghee don't pay tuition either because they know they won't be thrown out of the mosof because they're skvere.
Bottom line is, if the organizations wouldn't go so over the top with packages & coupons people wouldn't be so resentful.
Bh I'm so so thankful that we are zocha to afford all we need & don't have to rely on others.

amother

White

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 10:56 pm

Op you are being very judgemental but you can work on yourself. Pesach with that size family must cost a fortune so I am happy they have the help.
However I also want to mention that we get a huge pesach order as well but we pay for it and because of the bulk its very discounted. Perhaps their order is paid for? But you will deny this saying you know for a fact its not since you know every detail of their lives.
Get busy with your own pesach and stop looking over your shoulder.

amother

Blush ↓

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 10:59 pm

Op, I'm drooling over the stuff they got. I'm a single mom and don't receive any orders. Most I received was $100 at a supermarket, for which I'm extremely grateful. Having food b'revach helps us have a simchas y"t.
Are you in Israel? If in NY I would call the org and ask for help.
I'm not here to defend your neighbor, or anyone who gets k.d. Your pain is emotionally understandable. I can imagine being in your shoes and being bothered as well.
I wonder if you too wish for a little bit of sweetness and caretaking in your life. I would like to send a fairy over to give you a break :-)

amother

↑ Denim

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 11:16 pm

amother wrote:

Excuse me amother white, if you want to be nasty, have the decency not to hide. I don't think I'm being judgmental. I said already that the issue is more with some people's sense of entitlement the organizations giving out lavish stuff thereby setting high standards. And I know that it wasn't paid for because my neighbor told me so herself.

She's obviously a little socially off.

amother

↑ Jade ↓

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 11:18 pm

Thanx amother blush! You are so sweet. Aren't there organizations in you're neighborhood that can help you out??Bh I don't need help bh! We're very happy with what we have! And I'm bh well taken care of. I was just raising awareness on a bothersome issue & as usual on imamother, many posters are reading this wrong & making me sound like the worse most horrible judgmental person on earth just for sharing my thoughts.

amother

↑ Blush ↓

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 11:37 pm

amother wrote:

I'm bh well taken care of. I was just raising awareness on a bothersome issue & as usual on imamother, many posters are reading this wrong & making me sound like the worse most horrible judgmental person on earth just for sharing my thoughts.

I didn't hear judgment in your post. (Maybe I'm half deaf). But even if you were judgmental, this is how I play/experiment with my judgements:
My judgements inform me what's valuable to me. If I'm judging someone as being not farginning, it informs me that generosity is a valuable thing to me. If I judge someone as being lazy, it informs me that I value the opposite of lazy. Whatever my judgment is, it informs me that I value the opposite of the judgment.
And I think it's brave of you to share your thoughts, and I wish there was more tolerance, and a seat at the table, for anything that wants to be expressed, heard, received with care.

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 11:44 pm

This thread is bringing up a memory. My father was chronically ill for many years, but he was great at hiding it. He told people, flat out, that he's fine and doing well.

But he was not fine, he was quite sick. I still remember one night, my mother broke down in tears and confided in me, how someone had asked her, when is her dh finally going to start working?

The person who asked was a community member, not anyone who had any "right" to know this. Nothing to do with a tzedaka organization. Just someone being nosy.

What could my mother possibly respond, other than sharing private medical information? It was so painful to hear what people were assuming.

livinginflatbus

Thu, Mar 29 2018, 12:57 am

thunderstorm wrote:

There are more of us living like this than it appears. I got my Payless shoes for Yom Tov. One of my son's got one pair from Target. Everyone else got nothing for Pesach. But I'm not checking out my neighbors boxes! As a matter of fact my DH and my sons actually pack and deliver these boxes to deliver to others . Some of these people live in mansions. Does that make me angry? No. Many of them lost all their money but don't want anyone to know.
I have never shopped for shoes for any of my kids in a Jewish store because spending $60 or more on one pair is not something we can even think of doing. Do I get angry when I see people shopping there and getting Tomchei Shabbos every Thursday night? No.
I will be working on Erev Yom Tov and Chol Hamoed and so will my DH, because we need to and need our jobs. Will I get upset when I see all these people staying home on such a hectic day? No.
Every woman in my office got a new sheitel for Yom Tov while I haven't gotten one in 10 years. Does that make me upset? No.
Oh! yes it's very hard and sometimes a huge struggle but why compare????
My life is not theirs. Their struggles are not my struggles. Their parnassah is not my parnassah. Their life is not my life. So I'll continue to enjoy and eat my chicken for eight days while they enjoy their meat. Some people only get to have a piece of meat once a year when they get their Pesach package. Let them enjoy it! Not everyone is mooching off the system. Most are not. The tzedaka organizations usually do background checks to make sure these people are indeed eligible. Let's learn to fargin. We don't have to know reasons why they are wearing venettini shoes in three different colors while our kid is wearing klutzy sneakers from Target. As someone who grew up in a home where we received and relied on tzedaka to live, I am grateful to be able to buy meagerly but with my own money now and not need to rely on when the chesed coupons will show up so I could buy a headband and shoes.

Beautiful! Your post is a real lesson on eizehu ashir hasameach bchelko!

amother

↑ Blonde

Thu, Mar 29 2018, 7:50 am

amother wrote:

This is often the case for people that others assume are just taking advantage of the system.
My parents needed help, but we were lucky thar he had an obvious disability and no one judged us for it.

I know a family with severe mental Ole l illness they went to incredible lengths to keep it quiet. You have no idea

↑ watergirl

Thu, Mar 29 2018, 8:10 am

amother wrote:

You keep saying “setting high standards”. What do you mean by that?

After reading how you’ve described this family, I am absolutely positive that they are ill. People dont do this if they are healthy. Mentally, physically... sick is sick.

I have an acquaintance he used to be a close friend. Her husband is a professional and she runs a successful gan from her home. He makes just under the limit of household Eligibility for assistance, they have a ton of kids. She earns money under the table. She laughs when she gets her boxes delivered… Where we live it’s nothing as lavish as what you’ve described. But still, she gets a kick out of it. She tells everybody… That’s one of the main reasons I’ve distanced myself from her. She has real issues and I dont need that in my life. It also happens to be that her husband is a bit of an oaf who doesnt help her at all and pretty much ignores her and the kids. She needs help.

Everyone has their story and you dont know as much as you think you do.

Simple1

Thu, Mar 29 2018, 8:23 am

amother wrote:

Another denim, yes she is a bit socially off. She tells me everything, things I don't need to & im not interested in knowing. But she's happy she has someone who listens to her...

If she's socially off (hate that word), then I'm sure her life can't be all that easy.

Besides, without the packages and help, you would have the innocent kids suffering. It's not their fault their parents aren't working.

Regarding luxuries, it's a matter of mindset. Some people don't consider it Yomtovdig without meat and buy regardless of financial status. For others, they might have enough money, but can't bring themselves to splurge on a roast.

Personally, I know of people who are open about getting tzedaka. But they do work. And work hard - but in low paying jobs. So it sounds like something is out of the norm with your neighbors.

↑ lfab ↓

Thu, Mar 29 2018, 9:15 am

Wow! I can't believe how many people are attacking the OP. Making her out to be a jealous, bitter woman. Nowhere did she say she didn't want people who needed it to get packages and help for yom tov. She never even said she didn't want this specific neighbor of hers to get the help. Her biggest complaint was against the organizations that are giving out these packages. Why are they raising the bar? Noone said anywhere that those receiving help need to live off of potatoes and water for the week. Give them chicken, grape juice, eggs, cheese, apples, melons, peppers, cucumbers, even some yogurts (which are not particularly cheap!). Even include a roast or two, because yes it's yom tov. But multiple meats? Or the most expensive cuts? The kids need new shoes? Give them $30 or so towards a new pair for each, no need for $80 shoes. Kids should have a new outfit for yom tov? Again $30 per child, maybe more for older boys who need a suit. My own kids each got an $18 dress from childrens place for yom tov. Even with needing to buy matching shells it's still under $30 per outfit. B"H I'm able to afford that expense and I have no complaints. But if it's good enough for those of us who are working then shouldn't a $30 outfit from children's place, tjmaxx, H&M, etc. be good enough for those receiving this help too? This is why I am so careful which organizations I give my tzedaka money to. I want my money to go towards actual needs not luxuries. If I found out the money I gave to give someone chicken or matzah for pesach really went toward purchasing expensive clothes or fancy headbands (items I would never ever be able to justify purchasing for myself) I'd be furious.