Dh didn't learn Torah

amother

Blonde

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 12:23 pm

amother wrote:

I read the whole thing in the mishpacha. That's wonderful- but it's for men who want to learn. Dh should read it, he doesn't like reading magazines though, maybe they're too inspiring.
He won't learn with me. I cant bring it up because he'll tell me to stop making him crazy. I shouldn't dare buy him a sefer as a gift- I tried that once. An exciting thrilling novel rather.
Thank you all for the kind and understanding words...it feels better to know I'm not alone in this... I do appreciate him for what he does but somehow these yamim tovim like shavuos, simchas torah... make me feel sad like there's a whole world out of my reach.

I totally understand you.
My DH does sometimes open a sefer for a bit, but doesn't go to any shiur- daf yomi or other, doesn't have a set learning schedule, doesn't have a chavrusa, doesn't stay up Shavuos night. On Simchas Torah he halfheartedly takes the kids around once or twice then can be found in a corner shmoozing with a couple of other guys who are into learning about as much as he is.
I gave up ages ago trying to get him to read or listen to anything to I find interesting or anything on the subject. I know I'll just be hurt by his sarcastic comments.
You're not alone, OP, but if you want my take on it- don't let this wreck your marriage. If there is anything you like about dh, try to focus on that. And allow yourself to be sad but get over it.

amother

Lilac

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 2:01 pm

My husband sat through one shiur that night, but he REALLY loved the barbecue he went to at a friend's house afterward.
Point is, not everyone is a learner, and your husband gave you a clue as to why it might not be something he enjoys. You mentioned he said he's turned off because of the strictness he experienced in yeshiva. Did you ever ask him about this? I've heard some true horror stories from friends about their experiences in yeshiva with verbally and physically abusive rebbeim. Maybe something happened to your husband that left a bad taste in his mouth.

Orchid ↓

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 2:24 pm

The problem is we have always learned "nashim b'maiy zachsan?" How do women get rewarded [for Torah study, as they are not obligated in torah study themselves]. Answer: by sending their menfolk to study.

So then you have situations where the men don't want to learn and it causes great anguish to women who are dependent on their men for zechuyos.

I heard a shiur that addresses this. Too bad I don't remember the details!

amother

↑ Burgundy ↓

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 3:16 pm

Orchid wrote:

I learned this too. How is that fair.

amother

Forestgreen

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 5:21 pm

I'm another one who's dh never learns. The ironic part is that my oldest asked me to study with him for his gemara test and I told him I never learned gemara. The few times dh tried to learn with ods, ods ended up making fun of him for not knowing it. I know dh struggled in school as he went to a high school for problem kids despite not being a behavior problem, since he couldn't keep up academically in mainstream yeshivos. He struggled in college (I ended up helping him a lot with his papers after many attempts at teaching him the basics), and he struggles with work. (I refuse to help him with work related reports. I remind him of my attempts to teach him when he was in college and tell him if he wants to hire a tutor, he could, but I'm not doing that job.) I do suggest that dh learn with his sons sometimes, but now that my 10-year-old surpassed dh, it would be ds teaching dh the gemara. I still think it would be good for ds, but dh doesn't feel comfortable with it. I just regret that my parents paid money they couldn't afford for a shas for dh when I was engaged, and dh never used it.

amother

Azure

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 5:35 pm

My husband did happen to stay up Shavuos night to learn, but our guests didn't. My FIL can't physically manage an all nighter any more and our other guest had been up late for work for so many nights in a row that he could barely keep his eyes open through the meal. I certainly didn't think any less of either of them for going to sleep, although I felt bad for DH that he didn't have their company all night.

If you think about it, most Shavuos night programs begin at midnight and end in time to daven vasikin around 4:15 AM. That's not much time to actually accomplish a lot of learning, especially if it will negatively affect the person staying up for the next couple of days. Some, if not many, people are better off going to sleep normally and catching a shiur the next day.

amother

↑ Burgundy

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 7:17 pm

animeme wrote:

Think about getting a subscription to AlephBeta. This is Rabbi Forman's website. He has video shiurim that can be very in depth, about tanach topics mainly. I find with some men, they don't connect to gemarra but do better with tanach. The videos aren't him talking, but graphics, but definitely work for adults. You can also just listen without watching. You can watch a certain amount free each month (maybe half an hour?) If you want to check it out. You can get it for yourself and mention it to dh, and if he's interested, it's there. If not, you have it 😊.

Thank you for this suggestion. It looks interesting and I started watching one.
I listen to shiurim on torahanytime.com a lot.

mille

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 7:44 pm

IMO encourage what he IS doing like the shiurim and don't push further. Engage him and ask him about the shiurim he's listening to, ask him the most interesting parts, get into a discussion, ask questions about things you want to know and what can he tell you about them... Make him feel good about what he HAS been learning (shiurim in the car totally counts as learning!), and maybe he'll feel better about learning from a sefer one day. But don't worry about it so much - not all husbands/fathers/men/boys/etc stay up all night on Shavuot. He's certainly not alone. Sleep is precious Wink

People like to brag about their accomplishments and feel that them/their husband staying up all night is brag-worthy.

Hashem_Yaazor

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 7:53 pm

Orchid wrote:

I learned that if a woman enables her husband to learn -- whether he does or not -- she gets the zechus for her chelek...that may mean consciously arranging her schedule to make it conducive to him going to a shiur and then, even if he decides not to attend, she did her best. Not everything is in our control. We do our best, and get schar for that accordingly.

↑ Orchid

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 7:54 pm

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

Yep, I think that was it. Thanks!

sweetpotato

Sun, Jun 04 2017, 1:26 am

My husband didn't stay up either. Instead he slept and woke up at 4 am prepared and rested for meaningful davening. He then came home and took care of the kids so I could go daven by myself for the first time in ages, and then we both had energy for the rest of yomtov with our very little kids. My husband didn't go to Jewish schools or yeshiva later on and his Gemara skills aren't strong but he learns a bit every week with a chavrusa. He's also extremely careful about always davening and says a lot of tehillim each week which I greatly admire. Everyone has their own way of avodah.

amother

Peach

Sun, Jun 04 2017, 6:49 am

My dh is an amazing amazing guy but he finds learning hard. He listens to a shiur on his commute to work usually and if he has time will try to open a sefer. If we had a neighborhood shiur (we don't ) then I think he would go.
In regard to shavuos the first 4 years of marriage he did not stay up. It was a bit disappointing to me. He also hated the shul. We moved 3 years ago and he started the shul. HE LOVES IT. He is there every davening and mostly on time. He wants to stay up on shavuos. He belongs. He finally has a shul and a chevra. He is in charge of the weekly kiddush, shalosh seudos, candy man, shul treasurer, etc
He is finally a somebody. It's amazing how it changed him.
He still doesn't learn much from a sefer but I have learned that he tries his hardest and I am proud of even the little bit he does.
Some men find learning from a sefer hard. I don't pressure him. I think he will come around to learning more with positive encouragement.

amother

Dandelion ↓

Tue, Sep 17 2024, 12:20 pm

Any tips on how to encourage DH to learn (in general)?
For context, he is very smart, I think it’s just more of a laziness thing.
I don’t want to badger and certainly don’t want him to feel like he has a mashgiach. It just really bothers me that he’s not learning every day, even just a little, especially because he does have the time. I’d love to subtly suggest and encourage without putting pressure or showing that I don’t respect him.

amother

Nasturtium

Tue, Sep 17 2024, 12:24 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

Better to start a new thread than bump one that's 7 years old. People will be replying to the original posts not realizing they're old.

amother

Cantaloupe ↓

Tue, Sep 17 2024, 12:32 pm

amother Nasturtium wrote:

Better to start a new thread than bump one that's 7 years old. People will be replying to the original posts not realizing they're old.

Yeah this. But the thread was an interesting read regardless.

One of the posts says “we are living in VERY hard times”. Lol. This was before covid, before inflation, before October 7th. She had no idea what was coming. She was living in such peaceful, normal times.

amother

Camellia

Tue, Sep 17 2024, 4:18 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

. Sorry, but inflation's been around since before the Flood. You are either too young to remember or blessed with a very short memory.

amother

↑ Cantaloupe

Tue, Sep 17 2024, 4:53 pm

amother Camellia wrote:

. Sorry, but inflation's been around since before the Flood. You are either too young to remember or blessed with a very short memory.

I meant the very high inflation we’ve experienced in the past few years. It was well above the low level inflation that occurs in a healthy economy.

I am also too young to remember the problems in society in 2017 - I was a teen.